If you’ve recently lost a pet, you may not be ready to bring a new animal into your home. Some people feel that they can never open themselves to that kind of pain and grief again, while others decide to take some time before making any decisions.

There’s no universal right or wrong, only what feels right for you and your family.
As an animal lover, you may still want to incorporate animals into your life in some way. This can help you maintain some of the animal-focused aspects of your routine and give you a sense of purpose and satisfaction, even as you mourn your loss.

So how can you keep animals in your life when you’re not ready for a new pet?

Volunteer to work for an animal charity

One of the most obvious courses of action is to volunteer for a charity that rescues and rehomes animals.

Organisations such as The Dogs Trust, the Blue Cross, RSPCA, PDSA and Cats Protection all rely on help from volunteers. Dogs in shelters benefit from being walked, while socialisation is important for most pet species so you could provide valuable human contact.

It’s not just the big national charities or dogs and cats that need support. It’s worth having a look on Google (or another Search engine!) to see what smaller charities exist in your area. There may be a guinea pig or rabbit rescue that offers a cuddle with the animals in exchange for cleaning them out, running waste bedding to a compost pile at a local allotment, or handling adoption enquiries.

It’s understandable if you find being around other animals too difficult at the moment – some people feel it’s a painful reminder of what they have lost. There are other ways to support animal charities though – fundraising, manning a stall at a charity event, marketing, social media, doing the laundry, cleaning, etc. are all essential activities that contribute towards improving the lives of countless animals.

Volunteer with a specialist charity

Depending on your interests, experience and local opportunities, you may be able to volunteer with a specialist charity such as Assistance Dogs UK, Riding for the Disabled Association, The Wildlife Trusts, or Pets as Therapy.
This can be a wonderful way to enrich the lives of other people while still spending time with special animals.

Foster

Many charities are crying out for fosterers who will give animals a home on a short-term basis until a forever home can be found for them.
Some of these animals, particularly dogs and cats, may have behavioural issues or have been victims of abuse and will benefit from spending time around an experienced carer who can read their body language and help them adjust to a kinder life.
If you’re not ready to commit long-term to a new pet, foster caring can be an incredible way to make a difference.

Most charities that use fosterers will cover the veterinary costs and offer support throughout the fostering process. Charities that rescue small animals often need fosterers too, especially over the winter when indoor space is at a premium.

Borrow a pet

You may have heard of The Cinnamon Trust, a nationwide charity that provides care and support for the pets of elderly or terminally ill people.
Through the Cinnamon Trust, you may be able to walk a local dog on a regular basis, feed and hang out with a cat, or care for small animals in the pet’s own home. This can give older people or someone with a terminal illness peace of mind that their animal’s needs are being met, even if they are unable to provide practical care themselves.

Another option is Borrow My Doggy, a website that connects dog carers with dog ‘borrowers’ for walks, weekends and holidays. The idea is that, instead of leaving a dog at home alone all day or limiting their exercise because their carer doesn’t have the time or health to walk them, willing borrowers can step in to walk them instead. The creator of the site, Rikke Rosenlund, set it up after walking her neighbour’s dog; she realised lots of people would love a dog in their lives on a part-time basis and that many dog carers could do with a helping paw.

Closer to home, do you have a friend who would let you walk their dog occasionally or who needs a reliable pet sitter for when they go away? Maybe you could join them on their daily walk from time to time?

Donate or fundraise

Again, if you’re not ready to spend lots of one-to-one time with animals, you could still make a difference by donating to your favourite charity or supporting their fundraising efforts.
Animal charities are often over-stretched and under-resourced, and rely on donations from the public to continue offering vital services.

The world needs animal lovers like you. As heartbreaking as your grief is, it’s a sign of your kind, loving heart. There are so many animals in the world that need help and a compassionate touch that whatever you decide to do, the world will be a better place for it.

Until next time, Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Does your cat or dog go into hiding if you so much as whisper the word ‘vet’? Does even a routine check-up fill you and your pet with dread? Is your pet hard to handle when being examined?

As it’s essential that your pet is seen by a vet for routine and emergency care, we’ve put together some of our favourite tips for helping your pet (and you) to have a stress-free visit to the vet.

1. Visit your vet regularly when they won’t need anything invasive done

Often, we only take our pets to see the vet when they’re feeling very unwell. At this time, they may feel more vulnerable than usual and less willing to be touched.

As well as keeping on top of their good health, routine check-up appointments are a great way to familiarise your pet with seeing the vet in a pressure-free situation. A regular weigh-in and general health check doesn’t usually require jabs or any invasive treatments.

You could even talk to the receptionist at your veterinary practice and ask if you and your pet can just hang out in the waiting room to get them used to the sights, sounds and smells.

2. Use a carrier, whenever possible

For their own safety and to keep down their stress levels, smaller dogs, cats and small animals usually need to be securely fastened in a carrier when visiting the vet.

A carrier will also limit their view of the vet’s practice and other animals in the waiting room and give your pet a safe space. Ideally, you should keep your pet in the carrier off the floor and away from larger dogs.

3. Familiarise your pet with their carrier

All too often, we only bring the carrier out when it’s time to visit the vet. This can cause our pets to associate the carrier with stress, injections and/or being handled by a total stranger.

good way to overcome this is to leave your pet’s carrier out and about where they can interact with it on some days that won’t involve a vet visit. You could leave the door open and scatter some treats or toys in the carrier or even pop in your pet’s favourite blanket.

4. Get your pet used to the car

Many dogs are used to car trips to the park and further afield but for some dogs, cats and smaller animals the car is a terrifying place, somewhere they only visit when they’re on the way to see the vet.

Some people find it helpful to pop their pet in the carrier and take them out for a few short car journeys so that they don’t stress when it is time to go to the vet’s.

5. Resist the urge to keep reassuring your pet

Sometimes our good intentions can make a visit to the vet even worse for our pets. If you keep hugging your pet and telling them it’s OK, they may start to wonder what you’re so stressed about, which can send their own stress levels through the roof!

The best thing you can do is to be as matter-of-fact and unruffled about visiting the vet as possible.

6. Get your pet used to being handled

Your pet is probably used to being stroked and held by you, but how would they react to the vet looking at their teeth, feeling their tummy or clipping their nails?

It can make it easier for you, your vet and your pet if you can get them used to having more vulnerable areas such as their mouth, paws, ears and tummy touched and examined.

7. Go armed with treats

The aim is to make visiting the vet as pleasant an experience as possible. Unless your vet has asked you to not feed your pet before their appointment, it’s handy to go armed with a supply of their favourite treats or a special toy.

If you decide treats are the best option, offer one to your pet as they sit nicely in the waiting room or as they let the vet handle them. The key is to reward good behaviour throughout your visit.

This is especially important for dogs who can find the waiting room very stressful. Try to encourage your dog to face you and to focus on you while you wait. Give them treats for sitting nicely and focusing on you.

Also, your dog may be super friendly in a waiting room of other super-friendly dogs but you never know how nerves will affect a usually approachable animal. To be on the safe side, it’s not advisable to let your dog approach other dogs in the waiting room.

8. Feed and exercise your pet beforehand

Again, unless your vet has specifically asked you not to feed or exercise them before the appointment, it’s a good idea to make sure your pet has been fed, had a run and been to the toilet before leaving for your appointment.

Having met their basic needs should help them to feel more comfortable instead of being hungry and irritable.

9. Write down your questions in advance

Visiting the vet can be nerve-wracking for you and your pet, especially if they are very unwell. It can be hard to remember everything you need to ask when your pet seems stressed and eager to leave or you’re trying to take on board everything your vet is saying.

A top tip is to write down all of your questions, concerns or information you want to pass on to your vet in advance of your appointment.

Anything that brings down your stress levels will bring down your pet’s stress levels too.

10. Warn staff if your pet is extremely anxious

If your pet gets very anxious at the vet’s, phone up in advance and talk to someone from the practice about steps you can take to minimise their stress. You may be able to wait outside until your appointment and some practices have an entrance that by-passes the waiting room.

Most vets are experienced and aware enough to understand that animals need time to adjust to a new environment. Your vet may chat to you for several minutes before approaching your pet.

In cases of extreme anxiety, your vet might even recommend giving your pet a mild sedative to calm their nerves.

11. Trust your vet

Remember that, although it may be your pet’s first time at the vet or they’ve only been infrequently in the past, vets see all sorts of animals day-in and day-out. They understand different species, breeds and temperaments, and they will have a whole host of tricks up their sleeve to make handling your pet as easy and stress-free as possible.

If you have any concerns at all, talk to your vet and make a plan in advance of your appointment. Any vet worth their salt will be happy to make the experience as positive as possible for your pet.

Until next time, Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

As we’ve talked about in previous blogs, pet bereavement is seen by many as a disenfranchised grief. People are often afraid of telling their friends and family how much the death of a pet has affected them for fear of not being understood. Non-pet lovers may say, “It was just an animal” or “It’s not the same as a human death”.

Indeed, many people feel that there is still a cultural stigma around grieving for a pet and that they’re expected to “Just get over it”. They may question their own feelings, “Is it normal to be this upset?” or “I know it’s crazy to still be grieving”.

It doesn’t help that, as a society, we’re not very comfortable with the concept of death. In the quest to look younger and live longer, many of us prefer death to be hidden away as much as possible. Pets confront this with their short lives, which can make people uncomfortable.
Loving a pet is also complicated by the fact that we give our animals status within our families, sometimes on a par with children, parents and friends, and yet we can still buy and sell pets like commodities. To the wider society, this commercial aspect of having a pet can make it hard to appreciate the level of grief.

But, if you have loved and lost a pet, you will know that the grief is all too real.

Looking into this topic online, there are several references to a Co-op study (unable to find the source to link to) that found that more than 25% of people felt as devastated at the loss of a pet as at the loss of a close human family member. A further 33% said the grief was the same as losing a good friend. Sixteen percent of people said they were still struggling with their grief more than a year after their bereavement.

As 40% of us have pets in our homes, this is a significant number of people who will face the loss of a much loved animal and the grief that comes with it in the not too distant future.
Fortunately, times are changing. There is a growing recognition of the grief we experience when a pet dies, and this is one area in which the current cult of celebrity may be making a positive difference.

With the growth of social media, many people who live in the public eye are connecting with their audiences via social media pages rather than relying on interviews in newspapers and magazines. This provides a sense of immediacy and often gives us glimpses into the lives of the rich and famous.

As a result, more and more celebrities post details about the animals in their lives and the special bonds they share with them, as well as expressing their profound grief when a pet companion dies.

Back in 2010, former MP Roy Hattersley wrote a heartfelt article about the death of his beloved dog, Buster, saying, “I sat in the first floor room in which I work, watching my neighbours go about their lives, amazed and furious that they were behaving as if it was a normal day. Stop all the clocks. Buster was dead”.

In another piece Lord Hattersley said, “Buster’s death was the most painful thing I had ever experienced, more painful than losing my mother. We were so close. I didn’t put out my mother’s breakfast in the morning or walk her in the evening. She didn’t sleep in a basket in my bedroom. In objective terms, I am sensible enough to put human life above dog life. But one’s affections aren’t objective.”

True Lies, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Dollhouse star, Eliza Dushku, posted about her heartbreak when her wonderful dog, Max Factor, died in August 2014.

Several months later, she shared a post of a retriever pup saying, “I want 1 of u in my life again soon, lil dude. Not ready yet, but maybe soon. Miss my #MaxFactorD desperately. But he’d mos def want me to be a mum again. #dawgs 💛“. It’s a struggle with which many of us can identify.
In January 2015, she brought a new pup, Tanner, into her life with the hope that Max Factor would be ‘shining down’ on them.

American journalist and author, Bob Sullivan, has written a number of poignant articles about the death of his dog, Lucky, and his subsequent decision to adopt rescue pup, Rusty. One that really stands out is when he talks about feeling invisible after Lucky died – we’ve talked about loss of routine here on The Ralph Site blog too.

Bob Sullivan even created a memorial Facebook page called So Lucky to reach out to people on social media during and after his time of profound grief. From the comments on the page, it’s clear that many people welcomed a platform to provide and receive support following their own pet bereavement.

In 2017, Tom Hardy’s emotional tribute to his rescue dog, Woody, made headlines throughout the world and invited hundreds of thousands of comments of support from pet carers who understood the depth of his loss. You can read it in full here.

It struck such a chord with people that, if you do a search on Google for ‘Tom Hardy Woody tribute’, you get almost a million search results to choose from! It was as though, if a man known for ‘tough guy’ roles such as the Kray twins, could express his grief in such an open and raw way then other people could talk about it too.

Other celebrities have shared their pet bereavement with audiences too.

A tearful Holly Willoughby spoke on This Morning about how her cat, Roxy, had passed away in her sleep unexpectedly and how telling her children was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do.

It is very hard to read Sue Perkins’ open letter to her beloved Beagle, Pickles, without shedding a tear. It truly does encapsulate what makes a pet so special – the unique, exclusive relationships we have with them.

Goodbye my darling Pickle – my joy, my pain.
I loved you so fiercely from the moment we met.
Peace now xx pic.twitter.com/k9neMFpJtq

— Sue Perkins (@sueperkins) January 15, 2014

There are some who say that celebrities shouldn’t share every detail of their lives online, that some things should be private, but I think celebrity pet bereavement – as unbearably sad as it is – can help us to break down the taboos and stigmas associated with grieving for an animal.
It can show that everyone hurts and no one is immune to loss.

When people with public influence are unafraid to talk about pet loss, it brings everyone into the conversation. It may even make people who aren’t animal lovers more aware that pet bereavement is as real as any other form of grief.

It is wonderful to see something positive come out of something terrible, and for pet carers to know that they’re not alone.

Until next time, Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

The death of a pet can herald a challenging time when you’re trying to anticipate everyone’s needs and emotions. As well as your own grief, your children may need support or you could have a partner who shares your overwhelming sense of loss.

For many people, another consideration is the well-being of a grieving pet.

How can you help them? Is there anything, in particular, they need from you? Is their grief impacting on their health in some way?

These are all common concerns.

How to tell if your pet is grieving

Animals express grief in different ways and it seems to have a varying impact, depending on the species and individual nature of the pet.

Across species that pine for their companions, signs of grief include:

• Changes in sleep patterns (sleeping more than usual or disturbed sleep)
• Changes in eating habits (typically eating less)
• Lack of interest in normal activities
• Reluctance to be alone
• Wandering the house or their enclosure searching for their lost friend

If you have a surviving pet who’s showing any of the above changes in behaviour, they may well share your grief for their lost companion.

Tips to help your grieving pet

If you do feel that a surviving pet is grieving, there are a number of ways that you may be able to help them cope:

Watch your pet closely

When an animal has lost a companion, it’s important to monitor their health and behaviour closely. Given time, many animals – like humans – find a new rhythm to life and begin to move forward.

However, there are some cases where changes in behaviour due to bereavement should be taken very seriously.

One example is with herd animals like guinea pigs. These vocal but gentle little creatures tend to thrive in company, showing social behaviour in pairs or small groups that you may not see when they live alone.

Guinea pigs tend to form a close bond with their companions and may become depressed, disinterested in life and lose their appetites when a cage mate passes away. Because they have such fast metabolisms, just a short space of time without eating can have catastrophic consequences for the remaining guinea pig.

If you do notice that a bereaved guinea pig has stopped eating, you may need to see your vet straight away for advice or liquid food that can be syringe-fed.

Of course, you should always consult your vet immediately if your departed pet died of a contagious illness that could affect his or her surviving companions.

Stick to your usual routines

Although you may feel like you need some downtime following the loss of a pet, it’s important to try to stick to your usual daily routines as much as possible.

With so much having suddenly changed in their life, your surviving pet will benefit from the predictability of keeping to their normal routine. You may even find that it helps you too.

Even if your pet has lost their appetite, try to stick to their usual mealtimes to remind them to eat and to ensure food is available.

If your pet is still refusing to eat after a few days, you should seek veterinary advice.

Ignore unwanted behaviour

It can be heart-breaking to watch a bereaved dog cry at the door or window for their lost friend but you should think twice before rushing into comfort them as you may inadvertently reinforce the behaviour.

Instead, try to offer comfort to your dog when they’re quiet and laying down or cuddling up with you.

Build positive activities into your day

Your surviving pet(s) may need reminding about the good things in life. Positive activities such as walks, games and puzzles, and training activities with plenty of treats may help.

Lots of cuddles and interaction will help bereaved cats, dogs, rabbits, guinea pigs, rats and other small animals feel like they still have companionship. You may even want to give them a soft toy to cuddle up to for comfort.

Let your surviving pets work out their new social structure

If you live in a multi-pet household, the death of one animal can impact on the whole hierarchy/social structure of your surviving pets. You may find that there are some skirmishes and disagreements as your animals regroup and figure out where they now sit in the social order of their group. Unless there’s a risk of one of them getting hurt, it’s usually fine to step back and let them sort it out amongst themselves.

Be open to your surviving pet’s attention

If you are struggling with your own feelings of grief, you may feel like you want to close yourself off from future hurt. Many pet carers see their surviving pets in a different light – that one day they will feel the same agony over losing them – and this can make people want to withdraw.

However, pets can sense this change in your mood. If you seem sad all the time, they may want to comfort you and become clingy, wanting the reassurance that everything will be okay. They may also misbehave as an expression of their anxiety and double loss (their friend and now you).

It can be incredibly hard but it’s important to be open to your surviving pet’s love and affection. It will help you as well as them – animals have a rare gift of making the world better just by existing.

Give your pet time

Just as you need time to mourn your loss, your surviving pet may need time too. Anecdotal evidence suggests that animals such as dogs and cats remember and miss their past friends for some time. As helpless as it may make you feel, all you can do is provide a loving and secure environment in which to grieve.

Be aware of projecting your own feelings

It’s tempting to view your surviving pet through the lens of grief, seeing sadness in every pose and facial expression. However, in some cases, pets aren’t strongly affected by grief or experience their grief but gently move through it. It’s important not to project your own feelings and not to be hurt if your pet doesn’t appear as devastated as you thought they would.

Beware of being overprotective

If your deceased pet died in sudden or traumatic circumstances, you may feel protective of your surviving pets, wanting to shield them from harm against all costs.

While this is completely understandable, it’s important to think about their quality of life and mental wellbeing. For example, is it reasonable to always keep your surviving dog on their lead in the park because your other dog ran out in front of a car outside your house?

Should you let your surviving pet(s) see their deceased companion?

Although it isn’t always possible for surviving pets to spend some time with their deceased companion, many people feel it is advisable in some cases if circumstances allow it.

With rabbits, for example, many experienced carers feel that a rabbit should be given between three and six hours alone with the body of their companion. At first, the surviving rabbit may try to rouse its fallen friend but, as the hours pass, people often notice a shift in the surviving rabbit’s demeanour as they realise their companion isn’t truly present.

Guinea pigs benefit from seeing their deceased cage mates too. They may push, lick and even gently nip at a friend that has died but only in an attempt to wake them. With time, they begin to realise that their companion isn’t moving and seem to feel less distressed when the body is removed from their habitat.

People with several dogs often like to give the remaining canines the opportunity to see their deceased companion, feeling that it’s helpful. Other dogs take comfort from being able to sniff their lost friend’s bed or favourite blanket.

Should you get a new pet?

This is a question that a lot of pet carers wrestle with, especially if they have a surviving pet who isn’t used to be the only animal in the house.

However, this can be a very emotional decision. If you are thinking about a new pet, you may feel guilty that you’re trying to ‘replace’ the one that has died.

You may feel too emotionally drained to bring a new pet into the house.

For dogs and cats, it can often be very stressful to introduce a new companion immediately following a bereavement. A new puppy, for example, may be too hyperactive for a grieving older dog to deal with while they’re feeling low and vulnerable.

There is no right or wrong answer but it’s important that you feel ready to bring another pet into your home before you do.

There are some exceptions though. Going back to guinea pigs, many need a new companion as soon as possible for their emotional wellbeing. Guinea pigs can go downhill quickly following the death of their bonded friend. They live in the moment and do not always do well alone.

Again, only you will know what’s right for your animal. Some guinea pigs, like other species, cope fine alone but many need a new friend straightaway and long before you might feel emotionally ready.

In these more extreme ‘life and death’ cases, you may feel you have to put the needs of your pet before your own. You may not feel a bond straightaway but, as you discover your new pet’s personality, you’ll probably find a love just for them that doesn’t diminish what you felt for your past pet.

If you need support with pet bereavement or any of the issues discussed in this article, you might find it helpful to reach out to a pet bereavement counsellor. There are always lots of friendly and understanding people in The Ralph Site’s private Facebook group too.

As always, know that you are not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

What is complicated grief?

Losing a loved one changes us and our lives forever. Grief puts a strain on normal life and it usually takes a long time to start to adapt to life without them. Even then there may be days where we feel like we did in the early days, this overwhelms us but we gradually learn to cope and bounce back.

When these intense emotions feel constant and continue for a long time grief can become complicated. We may feel stuck and find it difficult to work out what we need to do to cope. Some people cope by closing off from their feelings. Giving ourselves time to retreat can be a healthy way to adjust to changed circumstances but if this happens for an extended period it may lead people to withdraw from daily life and become isolated. Complicated grief can upset our lives by affecting our ability to carry out daily tasks, communicate, look after ourselves and this can lead to ill health.

What causes complicated grief?

One thing is sure, complicated grief isn’t a choice. It’s due to a combination of difficult circumstances which leave us unable to accept and come to terms with our loss.

Complicated grief happens when something stops the natural healing process from helping us to adjust to our changed world. This can include the circumstances of the loss, your relationship with your loved one, your personality, other losses at an early age, lack of support and mental health conditions can also make grief harder to cope with. But sometimes there is no obvious cause.

How do you know if you’re experiencing complicated grief?

The symptoms include:

• feeling extreme loneliness
• intense longing and constant thoughts of your loved one
• feeling that you could have done something to prevent your loss
• bitterness or anger about your loss
• problems trusting other people since your loss
• feeling that life has lost its meaning or that a part of you died with your loved one
• being unable to accept your loss, or to be able to imagine or adjust to life without your loved one
• feeling stuck in your grief with no relief from your pain – as though time stopped when you lost your loved one.

Grief has no timetable but if you feel unable to function or feel any joy six months to a year after your loss it might be time to seek help.

What can you do if you feel this way?

There are various things we can to help restore the natural healing process of grief. Our feelings aren’t constant so different things may be helpful at different times.

• If grief feels endless seek professional help from someone who understands complicated grief. They can help you to look at how you’ve reacted to your loss and help you to find ways to come to terms with your loss.
• Find a bereavement group – There may be one in your local community or at a local church.
• Write about your loss and grief or keep a grief diary. This can give you an outlet for your grief and if you’re finding something difficult to write about may help you identify conflicts between the way you’re thinking and the painful reality of what you’re having to deal with.
• Lean on family and friends for support
• Take the time you need to grieve.
• Take care of yourself – be kind to yourself.
• Try mindfulness – this may help you to manage intense emotions, process your grief and deal with your loss.
• Let your Doctor know how you’re feeling. If they know you’re finding it hard to cope they may be able to help you obtain more support.

In the UK The Blue Cross offers a pet bereavement support service. You can call them or contact them using the online form.

Remember, you’re never alone, your friends at the Ralph Site are all here for you.

Resources

There is a lot of information available to help people who are suffering complicated grief including books and articles, websites, support groups and therapists. A selection of these are listed below and there are many others.

Therapists

If you would like to find a therapist to help you please find the regulatory body governing therapists where you are and search their register for a therapist with experience of helping people with complicated grief.

You can call and speak with them before you arrange an appointment and find out what their approach is, if they think they can help you and if you like the sound of them. If you don’t like a particular therapist or their approach try another, there are many types of therapy and you need to find the one that works best for you.

Books, articles and downloads

Living with complicated grief – Professor Craig A. White, Sheldon Press, 2013

The other side of complicated grief – Rhonda O’Neill

Scientific American – Shades of grief

Mindfulness for prolonged grief: a guide to healing after loss when depression, anxiety and anger won’t go away – Sameet M. Kumar

Websites

Cruse Bereavement Care – About complicated grief

The Other Side of Complicated Grief

The Center for Complicated Grief

Psycom – Complicated Grief self-assessment test

Facebook

The Ralph Site private group

The other side of complicated grief page

Center for Complicated Grief page