If you’ve recently lost a pet or are facing an imminent loss, you probably recognise that grief can be all-consuming and isolating in its nature. In many ways, this is because we all experience and express grief differently, which can make it hard to connect with people who are outside of that experience.

Pet loss is often described as a disenfranchised grief because our wider society doesn’t always recognise its impact. There may be people in your circle who have never shared their lives with an animal companion or who have but didn’t have the same connection, and therefore struggle to understand how much you have lost. 

Other people may not know what to say.

Indeed, the latter is common. People often find grief uncomfortable and confronting. It’s a reminder that life ends. You might find that your friends don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say or because they don’t want to say the wrong thing. Or you might find that, when people try to comfort you, it doesn’t offer comfort at all.

This can all add to the sense of being isolated and unseen in your grief.

This blog, however, seeks to recognise that having the support of your friends and family is incredibly important when you’re grieving. It will help you to feel loved, accepted, and grounded at a time when you may feel anything but these things.

So, today, we want to explore ways that you can encourage your friends and family to support you at this difficult time.

Understanding grief

As much as we wish there was a secret formula to understanding and curing grief, the reality is that it is unique to everyone and that it isn’t an ailment to cure. 

Your feelings about the loss of your animal companion will depend on many things, from the relationship you shared to your routines, stage of life, past experiences, personal circumstances, and so much more.

Grief can cause a vast array of emotions – often several emotions at the same time! – including sadness, anger, depression, guilt, anxiety and even relief. What you feel can change from one minute to the next. You may feel distracted, exhausted, physically depleted, tearful, numb – there’s often no way to predict what will come next.

No one else can know your grief, but they can create a space for it.

Why friends and family sometimes struggle to support us

In the face of the uncertain and unique nature of grief, people often find it challenging to know how to provide effective support. 

As we’ve mentioned above, sometimes it’s as simple as being frightened of saying the wrong thing. 

Other times, there’s a lack of understanding about the grieving process. People who haven’t experienced a bereavement before often imagine that grief looks like tears and obvious sadness and may not recognise other emotions as grief. 

The mistaken idea that there are fixed stages of grief means that people in your circle may expect you to move through your emotions in a pre-determined order and then find it jarring when you don’t. This can feed into the idea that you’re someone doing grief in a ‘wrong’ way (which you aren’t!).

People can also feel very uncomfortable around grief. Your loss might remind your friends and family that they will lose their own animal friends one day too. Death is also a stark reminder that life is short, and this can be a frightening prospect. 

Communicating your needs

At this time, we’d encourage you to use open and honest communication with your friends and loved ones. They don’t have to share or understand your loss in order to show empathy.

The important thing is to be clear about what you’re feeling or what you need in order to feel supported.

In the maelstrom of grief, it’s easy to assume that other people will instinctively know that you need support and exactly what that support looks like but often that’s not the case. Even though it’s exhausting to do so, it can be helpful to be clear and definite about what you need. 

A simple statement like, “I would really like to talk about my pet. I don’t need you to try to minimise my pain or fix things because that isn’t possible. I just need you to listen” can open the door to a heartfelt conversation.

Educating your support network

Your friends and family may find it helpful to learn a bit more about grief. You could encourage them to read some of the blogs here on The Ralph Site as they talk about the emotional and practical impact of pet loss.  

There are also many fantastic books and podcasts about grief, as well as pet loss grief.

What friends can do to help when you’re grieving

Of course, only you know what support you would find helpful. However, below we’ve listed some ways that friends and family can typically help when you’re grieving. Hopefully, these ideas might help you to start a conversation:

• Listening without judgement

This is probably the number one thing that anyone can do when supporting a bereaved person. We humans often have a desire to fix things, but grief isn’t fixable. There aren’t short cuts; it won’t magically go away. 

The kindest thing your friends and family can do is simply be with you and listen without judgement.

• Offering practical assistance

Grief is exhausting and it can be all-consuming. Practical things like eating well, exercising or managing a home can be challenging. Let your friends and family know if you need someone to step in and cook a meal or help you in some other practical way.

People will often say, “Let me know if I can help with anything” but most of us never follow up on this kind of offer because it’s too vague. Equally, people may not step in to help if they don’t understand what help is needed. It can be really useful to say to your friends, “I need X, Y or Z”.

• Being present and available

It can be hard to ask the people around you to be present and available because, of course, everyone has commitments, and you may be worried about being seen as a burden. 

There’s no denying that grief can make a relationship feel off-balance. You may feel like you’re constantly off-loading on your friends or that they’re getting bored or frustrated with you. Do let your loved ones know that their support is appreciated and that you value them showing up and being available at this time.

Coping with insensitive remarks

Despite their best intentions, people may sometimes say hurtful things.

When a pet dies, it’s sadly very common for people to say things like, “When are you going to get a new one?”, “At least it was just a cat/dog/guinea pig, etc.”, “At least it wasn’t a human” or even, “Are you still upset?”

The fact that so many people use the word “it” to talk about a sentient being unfortunately speaks volumes about the fact that people see pets as possessions or commodities that can be easily replaced.

Thankfully, your animal friend has given you the lived experience to have a more empathetic perspective.

And hopefully, this perspective can help you to forgive unintentional mistakes. It’s very unlikely that your friends and family mean to say something hurtful. They’re probably just trying to provide a fix because they don’t know how else to make things better.

Seeking professional help

If your friends and family aren’t able to offer the support you need to come to terms with your loss, you may find bereavement counselling helpful, especially talking to an experienced pet bereavement counsellor.

In the UK, the Blue Cross has a dedicated pet bereavement support service. If you’re outside of the UK, a Google search should help you to find support more locally.

We created the private Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook to give you a safe space to talk to other bereaved pet carers. The people in this group understand how distressing pet loss can be. 

If you are struggling to find support from your friends and family, then we urge you to reach out. You will find other bereavement resources on The Ralph Site.

Conclusion

According to the American Psychological Association and other experts, people are better able to come to terms with a bereavement if they have a good social support network. 

It can be a steep learning curve for everyone. You’re trying to learn how to exist in this new place of loss, while your friends and family are learning how to support you. Patience is needed as everyone is learning to navigate this challenging journey together, whatever their role in your life.

If you’re struggling to tell your loved ones how pet loss grief is affecting you, please do direct them to this website or our public Facebook page so that they can learn more about how life-changing pet loss can be for bereaved pet carers.

If you’ve found ways to connect with your social circle during a time of grief or you’ve supported a friend after a bereavement and have tips to share, we’d love you to leave a comment.

As always, please know that you are not alone.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Were you unable to say goodbye to your pet before they passed? 

Sadly, many pet carers end up in a situation where their pet passes away at home or outside without them, goes missing, or dies at the vets. The latter can be due to complications before, during or after surgery, for example, or because the vet’s investigations have unexpectedly revealed a serious health condition. 

Death without closure

We, humans, like to have closure. We tend to see things in a linear way, understanding that life has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Before we experience a bereavement for the first time, most of us believe that grief is something you work through until you find closure and are able to move on. 

In reality, bereavement is far more complicated. There is no true end to grief, it simply becomes something that we learn to live with, and that becomes more bearable and less of a shock with time.

And as much as we would like to be able to plan or predict the end of a pet’s life, it isn’t always possible. 

Unfortunately, when we’re not able to say goodbye to a loved one, such as a precious animal friend, it can intensify the feeling of having unfinished business or no hope of closure.

This is often distressing.

If you weren’t able to say goodbye to your pet, you may find that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, anger or remorse. 

For some people, not being able to say goodbye contributes to states of frozen or incomplete grief. This is because the parting wasn’t what you’d imagined or wanted or what you felt you both deserved. 

There’s a good chance that you didn’t know you would never see your pet again the last time you were with them. This can cause feelings of regret.

Be kind to yourself

When a parting is sudden or unexpected and you’re not able to be with your loved one to say goodbye, it’s common to replay the circumstances in which they died and focus on thoughts of “If only I had done X, Y or Z”. 

In The Ralph Site’s private Facebook group, people often say that they wish they’d gone to the vet sooner or recognised how poorly their pet was or that they hadn’t gone out/gone to bed/gone on holiday. 

There’s always something we wish we could change.

If you’re having these thoughts, the important thing to remember is that you’re viewing the situation with hindsight and judging yourself using information you have now but didn’t have at the time.

You did the best you could with what you knew, and your intentions came from a place of love. You wouldn’t be reading this article if they didn’t!

Even if you did make a mistake that contributed to your pet dying or you not being able to be with them at the end of their life, please show yourself compassion. 

What would you say to a friend in the same situation?

No doubt you’d be kind to them. You’d tell them that they’re human and that humans make mistakes sometimes. You’d encourage them to exercise self-forgiveness and to learn from their mistakes.

Now is the time to treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend.

Steps to help you say goodbye

Having the opportunity to say goodbye is an integral part of the healing process when we lose someone we love. Even when we know the outcome isn’t what we would choose, most of us are hardwired to seek out a resolution.

While you’ve been robbed of the opportunity to be with your pet physically for their final breath, it is still possible to say goodbye. After all, your animal companion was so much more than a physical being. They were a unique personality, a member of your family, part of your daily routines, a friend and confidante, and saying goodbye will be gradual.

What you may also discover is that, in the process of saying goodbye, you actually learn that many of the qualities your pet had – and the love you feel for them – will continue to live on inside of you. In this way, goodbye isn’t as final as you might think.

Here are some ways you can say goodbye to your pet without being with them: 

• Focus on the times you were with them

As we’ve said above, your pet was and is so much more than their physical being or when, how or why they died. Before their death, they had a rich and beautiful life. You shared at least some of that with them.

We know that you’re hurting because you couldn’t physically say goodbye and that your thoughts may be stuck on “if only…”, but each time you think a negative thought about what you weren’t able to do or say at the end, see if you can counter the thought with a positive memory of what you were able to do at other times in their life.

This should help you see that you were there for your animal companion so many other times that mattered.

• Create a memorial

Saying goodbye plays an important role when we’re grieving. It helps us to transition from a reality where our loved one was alive to a reality where they’re not. 

It’s one of the reasons that almost all cultures have death rites and rituals.

This can be missing from pet loss, even when everything about our pet’s end of life goes as we would have imagined.

Many people take comfort in creating a memorial for their pet. You might want to bury them in your garden so you can spend time near their physical remains. You might want to scatter their ashes under a favourite plant or in a favourite place.

Some people choose to create a memorial in their home in their pet’s favourite spot or in a chosen corner. 

There are no right or wrong approaches. All that matters is that you’re able to create a space where you feel close to your pet.

• Find ways to honour your loved one

A great deal of comfort can come from being able to say, “This animal lived, and they mattered, and the world was better – I was better – because they were in it for a time”.

One way to say this is to find ways to honour your pet. 

Making a donation, showing kindness, talking about them, fostering an animal, sponsoring someone, celebrating your pet – these are all valid ways to honour their memory. Just choose what feels right for you.

• Write them a letter

When you haven’t been able to say goodbye, it can be helpful to write a letter to your pet, saying all the things you would have wanted to say if you were with them.

You could bury the letter with your pet or have it cremated with them, if there’s still the opportunity to do this. Alternatively, you could burn it, bury it, rip it up, or keep it somewhere special. Again, the choice is yours.

• Go to a special place

If you had a pet who went outside, did they have a favourite place? Is there somewhere you spent a lot of time together?

You may feel closer to your pet in a place that meant a lot to you both. Some people visit a special place to talk to their lost loved one, reflect on the past, tap into happy memories, grieve, celebrate happier times, and say goodbye.

• Create something to express your feelings

We talked in a recent blog about how alternative therapies can be helpful for processing a bereavement. If you’re someone who enjoys painting, sculpting, knitting, sewing or, indeed, any kind of crafting, you could make something to express your feelings of loss and to say goodbye to your pet.

Some people find it healing to create a photobook or scrapbook of their pet’s life and precious memories of time spent together.

• Talk to others

For many of us, being able to talk about our grief is one of the most helpful ways to process our feelings. If you have a good support network with your friends and family, you might want to talk to them about how difficult it has been to not be able to say goodbye to your pet.

You may feel that you need more formal and experienced support in the form of a pet bereavement counsellor. This can provide you with a safe space to talk about every aspect of your pet loss.

Alternatively, a community like The Ralph Site’s private Facebook pet loss group is the ideal place to connect with other bereaved pet carers, many of whom may share your feelings about being unable to say goodbye, even if their circumstances were different.

Goodbye is more than a word 

As much as Hollywood loves a poignant death scene and a tearful last embrace, the reality is that it isn’t always possible to be with a beloved pet when they die. 

But goodbye is so much more than a word. 

With pet loss, it’s a slow letting go of your animal’s physical presence, while you realise that the memories will always be with you.

Pet loss grief affects all of us differently, but alternative grief therapies can help you to cope, especially if you’re finding it hard to get support from your friends and family or you feel you need an extra level of support.

“Successful” mourning

Research suggests that we can achieve what’s known as “successful mourning”, which is when we navigate our way through grief into a state of mind where we’re able to “imagine a satisfying future” without our loved one, if we have a good support network and healthy coping mechanisms.

Although it seems uncomfortable to think of mourning in terms of success, this definition just describes being able to re-engage with daily life and reconnect with others (animal and human), and to be “able to experience hope for a future with potential for joy and satisfaction”. In this state of mind, grief integrates with your reality and transforms into acceptance.

So, what are the alternative grief therapies that can help you to achieve this state? Here are eight suggestions that many bereaved people find helpful:

1. Journaling and writing

We’ve written a few different articles about journaling and writing as a way to process pet loss grief. It’s such an effective therapeutic method that we feel it’s worth mentioning again.

Keeping a grief journal or writing letters to your deceased pet(s) can be a cathartic way to process your emotions and memories. It allows for reflection, expression of thoughts and feelings, and can serve as a private space to connect with your grief and find solace.

If you’re not sure how to get started, you can find 50 grief journal prompts here that will hopefully inspire you. 

Also, Sue Ryder, a bereavement support organisation, has an online grief journal tool that you might want to use if you prefer typing to pen and paper. 

2. Art therapy

Engaging in art therapy can be a powerful way to express and process emotions related to grief. 

Creating artwork, such as painting, drawing, or sculpting, allows for self-expression, reflection, and healing. You can use art therapy individually or in a group setting led by a qualified art therapist. It’s even something you can try at home.

It helps to give yourself permission to express your emotions freely through different artistic mediums. No one is going to judge your artistic skills – this type of therapy can be most effective when you let go of the idea that you must create “good” art and you instead allow yourself the space to explore what it is you want to express.

3. Music therapy

Listening to or creating music can be another incredible therapeutic outlet for grief. 

Music has the power to evoke emotions, provide comfort, and serve as a form of self-expression. Participating in music therapy sessions or creating personalised playlists of meaningful songs can be healing.

When writing our blog about how music can help pet loss grief, we found that music is proven to reduce anxiety, lower your blood pressure, improve your sleep quality and put you in a better mood. 

4. Meditation and mindfulness

Practicing meditation and mindfulness techniques can help calm the mind, reduce stress, and promote emotional healing. These practices encourage focusing on the present moment, acknowledging emotions without judgment, and cultivating self-compassion.

Most of us want to rush through grief, to come out the other side to a time when our loss doesn’t hurt as much. But the thing about grief is that it demands that we feel and experience it fully. There aren’t any shortcuts and, indeed, attempting to bury grief can actually prolong it.

Meditation and mindfulness practices can help you to sit with your grief and make peace with its presence.

There’s a wonderful piece of writing by Donna Ashworth called “Love Came First” that sums this up beautifully. Please do check it out.

5. Nature therapy

Spending time in nature, whether it’s walking in a park, sitting by a lake, or walking in the hills, can have a calming and grounding effect. Connecting with the natural world can provide a sense of peace, solace, and perspective during the grieving process.

There’s something about seeing the cyclical patterns of the natural world; the changing seasons, the cycle of life and death, and even the resilience of nature can all serve as metaphors and prompts for reflection, potentially providing hope in the face of loss.

6. Acupuncture and acupressure

Traditional Chinese medicine practices like acupuncture and acupressure can help restore balance and promote relaxation. These therapies involve stimulating specific points on the body to release blocked energy and alleviate emotional and physical distress.

Acupuncture Associates says that acupuncture and acupressure can help as an alternative grief therapy because grief is not solely a psychological experience; it creates a physical response too. Acupuncture can improve common physical grief symptoms such as pain, high blood pressure and low appetite. 

7. Animal-Assisted Therapy

If you feel ready and able, then interacting with animals, such as therapy dogs or cats, can offer emotional support and help alleviate feelings of grief. As you know from experience, spending time with animals can provide a sense of companionship, unconditional love, and a soothing presence during challenging times.

Of course, it’s important that you feel comfortable with being around other animals now. After losing a pet, many people find it too painful, so this might not be the right fit for you. On the other hand, you might find it cathartic. 

If you do want to explore animal-assisted therapy, even if it’s an informal arrangement rather than a dedicated service, then there are a number of options open to you, such as volunteering at an animal shelter, connecting with an animal-assisted therapy organisation, borrowing a pet through an organisation like The Cinnamon Trust (and helping a pet carer at the same time), or even fostering a pet.

8. Support groups and retreats

Participating in grief support groups or attending grief retreats can provide a safe and supportive environment to share experiences, receive guidance, and connect with others who are also navigating a loss. These group settings offer a sense of community and understanding.

Google is a good starting point for finding local groups. There are also online support groups and services, including The Ralph Site’s private pet loss community on Facebook.

With more people recognising the impact of pet loss, there is a growing number of pet bereavement counsellors and support services, including the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement helpline.

It’s your grief

Hopefully, these alternative grief therapies will give you avenues for support and help you to create healthy coping mechanisms at this tough time. Many bereavement experts recommend approaching alternative therapies as complementary to traditional grief support and counselling. 

You might find that consulting with a healthcare professional or therapist who specialises in grief and alternative therapies can help you determine which approach would be best for you.

It’s worth exploring different options to see what resonates. 

More than anything else, know that you are not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team.
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

If you’ve experienced the loss of multiple pets within a relatively brief period, you may be feeling overwhelmed. 

It’s a surprisingly common scenario because many people have pets who are siblings or similar ages because of the companionship they provide to each other throughout their lives. Sadly, this means the pets reach old age together. 

Accidents and even unrelated events and coincidences can also take our animal companions from us in one fell swoop or one after the other. 

Dealing with multiple pet losses in quick succession is often confusing and distressing. You may feel like it’s hard to recognise which parts of your grief belong to which animal companion or that you’re doing a disservice to each pet because you can’t focus exclusively on mourning them.

This type of grief even has its own name (or several, in fact); it’s known as “cumulative grief”, “compounded grief”, or “grief overload”.

You may also experience compounded grief if you have to deal with other losses (e.g., a relationship, job, person, etc.) as well as losing a beloved pet. Although it was in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic, a 2020 study found that multiple losses within a relatively short timeframe can be harder to deal with than a single loss because of the cumulative impact.

If this is something you’re struggling with right now, we’ve put together some proven strategies for dealing with the loss of multiple pets, as well as ideas to help you honour their memories individually and collectively:

• Allow yourself to grieve

It’s natural to feel a deep sense of loss and grief when saying goodbye to multiple pets. If you’re familiar with the ball in the box analogy, you’ll know that each new bereavement can trigger pain from earlier bereavements too – and this is even more disorientating when each loss is fresh.

Give yourself permission to mourn and acknowledge your emotions. You might feel you have to throw all the loss into one box and deal with it as a single entity, but this is rarely possible. You had a unique bond with each of your pets, and it’s OK – and perhaps even essential – to grieve them individually. 

You may find that one pet is on your mind more than another. Remember, this isn’t a measure of love. Many factors will affect your thoughts, including how each pet lived and died, their age, your relationship with them, their relationship with each other, and so much more.

You may also find that each pet steps in and out as the focus of your grief in the weeks and months ahead. Again, this is to be expected and not an indication about who you cared about most.

• Seek support

Dealing with multiple pet losses is a lot to process in one go, so it’s important that you have support. 

If you’ve gone from living in a busy, multi-pet household to a home that’s much quieter, it can have a massive impact on your daily routines, which people outside of your home may not realise. This is just one example of the impact of multiple losses and why it’s important to share what you’re experiencing.

As well as talking to your friends and family, you may want to reach out to pet loss support groups (such as The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook), online communities, or counselling services specialising in pet bereavement. 

Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can provide comfort, understanding, and validation during this challenging time.

• Create individual memorials

When dealing with multiple pet losses, it can be helpful to dedicate space or create individual memorials for each pet. This could be in your home or garden, and can include personalised photo frames, memorial stones, or planting a specific flower or tree that symbolises each pet to celebrate and commemorate them in their own right. 

Another idea is to write letters or create memory boxes filled with cherished items and memories for each pet.

• Share their stories

Although you may always think about your pets’ deaths as intertwined, time will eventually enable you to talk about each animal for their individual merits.

Consider writing or sharing stories and anecdotes about each pet’s unique personality, quirks, and cherished memories. You could do this through a blog, social media posts, or in private journals, letters, or photobooks. 

Sharing your pets’ stories helps keep their memories alive and allows others to connect with the joy they brought into your life.

• Create a collective memorial

If your pets were connected to one another or you see them as sharing a specific chapter in your life, you may want to create a special place or memorial that represents the collective memory of all your pets. 

This could be a designated area in your home, a dedicated section in your garden, or even a customised piece of artwork that incorporates each pet’s name or photo.

• Volunteer or donate

A fantastic way to honour the memory of your beloved pets is to give back to the animal community in their name. 

There are a few ways to do this. You could volunteer at local animal shelters, rescue organisations or veterinary clinics, for example, or make donations in your pets’ names to animal welfare organisations. 

Alternatively, you could sponsor an animal or foster one who needs time and space to decompress before they find their forever home.

• Organise a commemorative event

When a human dies, we have rituals and rites to commemorate their passing. In the same way, it can be helpful to organise or participate in a commemorative event that celebrates the lives of your pets. 

You might decide to host a memorial service or gather with close friends and family to share stories and memories. You could also organise a fundraising event or participate in activities that support animal-related causes, especially something that relates to your pets in some way.

• Seek professional help

If you find yourself struggling with the grief of losing multiple pets, consider seeking support from a professional grief and/or pet bereavement counsellor. They can provide guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to process your emotions.

• Be kind to yourself

It’s helpful to be aware that cumulative or compounded grief can share similarities with complicated grief. Often this is because each new bereavement pulls you back into the early stages of grief, prolonging the overall emotional journey to find acceptance and be able to move forward in your life.

Of course, this isn’t inevitable but it’s something to recognise so that you’re able to ask for support if you feel you’re struggling.

The grieving process is unique to everyone, and there is no right or wrong way to honour your pets. Find what feels meaningful and comforting to you and allow yourself time to heal and adjust to the new reality of life without them.

Just know that you are not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Are you living with pet loss grief and finding it a struggle? 

We’re sorry for your loss. Any kind of grief can be disorientating, exhausting and overwhelming, but pet loss grief carries its own unique challenges. 

If you’re finding it hard to navigate everyday life right now, do know that this is a normal grief response. You’ve experienced a major loss and you need time to adjust.

The most important thing you can do is to be patient and kind to yourself as you process your bereavement. Sit with your feelings when they come, ringfence time – if you must – when you’re able to be present and not have to pretend that everything is OK. Reach out when you need support.

Grief wants to be felt

In the days, weeks and months after loss, grief can make it incredibly hard to navigate everyday life. 

You may feel like time has stopped making sense or as though your brain is so foggy and distracted that you can barely manage things that used to be effortless. You may feel sad, anxious, angry, guilty, frozen in time, relieved or numb – or all of the above. 

People often feel like they’re sleepwalking through everyday life when they’re grieving or as though they’re standing outside of reality. It can be hard to comprehend how everyone is carrying on as normal when everything changed for you in the moment your pet died.

And living with pet loss grief can be doubly hard because your animal friend may have been the one to give you comfort when you were hurt in the past.

This is one of the reasons why pet loss can hurt so much. You shared your home, your inner sanctum, with your pet and now all you can feel is their absence.

Creating your own pet loss rituals

There’s a reason that most human cultures have rites and rituals to turn to when a loved one dies. Beyond the practical need to deal with the physical remains, there’s a strong emotional or spiritual need to commemorate the passing of someone who is precious to us.

Having a funeral to arrange or memorial to organise can also give the bereaved person something to focus on at a time when nothing makes sense – a beacon and buffer in the storm of grief. With human losses, there’s usually an undertaker or someone official to say, “This is what you need to do now”. When it’s hard to focus, this guidance can be invaluable.

Many pet carers sadly miss out on the rites and rituals, as well as the guidance, associated with death, although, thankfully, this is beginning to change. 

If you think it might help you, we’d definitely recommend exploring ways to memorialise your pet or bury or cremate them with some level of ceremony. If you have a local pet crematorium, for example, they may lay your pet out in a private room for you to sit with them and say goodbye. They may also give you seeds to plant in your pet’s memory (Forget-Me-Nots are a popular choice) or talk through your choice of casket or urn. Alternatively, you might want to create a memorial garden at home, collate a photobook of your pet’s life, write to them, or even create a memorial website.

Your everyday life has changed

Something that people who haven’t lost a loved pet before often overlook is that we structure our everyday lives around the needs of our animal companions. Time spent together, walks, mealtimes, grooming, healthcare, bedtime rituals – these all dictate our daily routines.

Without your pet, you may feel like your life has changed beyond recognition. This creates a secondary loss that can add to your grief.

To help you live with this aspect of pet loss grief, you might want to look at parts of your daily routine that you can continue. For example, if you’re used to walking with a dog early every morning, you could continue to go for walks but try different routes if it’s too painful to go where your pet loved.

Alternatively, you might want to make significant changes to your routine to mark this period of change. Some people find it helpful to write about their everyday life with their pet so that, as change happens moving forward, the routine is there is reflect on.

As with all aspects of living with pet loss grief, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with a loss of routine. You might need to try different things to see what you find doable. Just remember that experts advise putting off making big life decisions and changes for at least six months to a year after a bereavement. This gives your thought processes time to become clearer after the initial fog of grief.

Look after your own health

Grief can cause a surprising number of physical symptoms. Therefore, if you’re living with pet loss grief, it’s vital to prioritise your mental and physical health, even when it feels like you don’t have the energy. 

Try to eat nourishing, delicious food and exercise whenever you can, even if that means just taking a gentle 10-minute walk. Reach out to people you trust, sleep when you can, be aware of your alcohol consumption or whether you’re using risky behaviours to cope.

Finding support

It’s important that you don’t feel you have to grieve behind closed doors without support.

Pet loss is a kind of disenfranchised grief, which means that it isn’t always recognised by our wider society. Even when recognised, people don’t necessarily see it as having the same impact on the bereaved person as when a human loved one dies.

But the reality is that loss is loss. Losing your animal friend may have hit you as hard – or even harder – than losing a human companion. It can be incredibly tough if your support network fails to recognise this or to acknowledge the depth of your pain, even if they can’t personally understand it.

Living with pet loss grief can be especially tough because it isn’t formally covered by bereavement leave, which means you may feel that you have to carry on with everyday life straight away, even though you’re grieving.

If you do have supportive friends and family, we’d encourage you to reach out to them. Let them know that you’re in pain. If you don’t feel that your usual support network can help, you might want to think about contacting a pet bereavement counsellor or joining a support group, like The Ralph Site’s Private Facebook Pet Loss Support Group.

Just know that you are not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support