Although all pet loss is traumatic, it can be especially hard to cope with when the death of your pet is sudden and unexpected. Tragic accidents such as being hit by a car or attacked by another animal, or a fatal stroke or seizure out of the blue can be almost impossible to accept.

People often talk about grief as a time for finding closure but, when a death is sudden and has occurred in traumatic circumstances, it can be very hard to find peace.

If you have recently lost a pet and it was unexpected, you may feel that life is very unfair. There’s a sense that your companion’s life was unjustly cut short – a life half-lived – with all of that wonderful potential extinguished in a moment.

These are natural, completely understandable feelings.

Symptoms of shock

Sudden and unexpected pet loss can cause pet carers to exhibit physical and emotional symptoms of shock. If your bereavement has just happened – or you’re reading this on behalf of someone it’s just happened to – you may find yourself shaking, experiencing palpitations, headaches, stomach aches, sleeplessness and more.

Some people even show signs of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which is defined as ‘recurring memories and a heightened state of arousal that lingers for more than a month after a traumatic event’. You don’t even have to have witnessed your pet’s passing to feel traumatised. Sometimes not having been there can be just as painful.

Even without symptoms of shock, you may find that you’re experiencing repetitive thoughts, a loss of appetite, guilt, anger, sadness, and that it might be hard to function at the moment.
Again, these feelings are to be expected.

Making sense where there is none

As we discussed in a previous article about pet loss guilt, repetitive thoughts and blaming yourself or others for your pet’s passing are usually a way of making sense of what has happened.

In the case of a sudden and traumatic death, you may feel that you could have done more to stop it happening. It is also devastating to not have a chance to say goodbye.
If you are struggling with these feelings, there are few exercises you can try that you may find helpful.

1. Break down the event

Sadly, accidents and unexpected illnesses can happen. Animals – just like humans – can die long before their time. Guilt and blame are about trying to understand what has happened and why.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of repetitive thoughts, try breaking down the event that lead to your pet’s passing. The aim is to see your role in the event within a larger context.

For example, if your cat ran into the path of a car because a sound frightened it, ask yourself:

• Did you make the sound that frightened your cat?
• Were you able to prevent the sound?
• Could you control the direction your cat ran in?
• Did you have control over the car driver, including what time they left their house and the route they were taking?
• Did you have any control over the injuries your pet sustained?
• When you let your cat out, did you intend to do harm?
• Can you see into the future?

In most cases, the answers to these questions will be ‘no’. If you had the power to change what happened, you would have done.

Please remember that you did not wish harm on your pet – you loved them and they had a beautiful life with you.

2. Think about quality of life

Right now, you may be telling yourself that you shouldn’t have let your cat out or taken your dog for a walk or put your rabbit in their outdoor run (whatever the circumstances around your pet’s death).

However, it’s important to think about your motivation. You did these things to enhance your pet’s quality of life.

The only way to completely protect a pet from external harm is to keep it shut in a padded room away from all danger. But would that give any quality of life?

And what about the internal harms that we can’t control such as heart disease, cancers or epilepsy? Nothing can protect a pet from these hidden dangers.

It helps to remember that animals live in the moment – they don’t measure time the way we humans do and they don’t worry about the future or their mortality. During the life your precious pet lived, they were loved and happy. Maybe it isn’t the quantity of a life that really matters but the quality of the life.

3. Honour your pet’s life

As we mentioned above, one of the worst parts about losing a pet unexpectedly is the feeling of a life unfinished. You have probably always imagined your pet growing old with you and years of companionship together.

One exercise that can help with these feelings is to write a letter to your pet, telling them about the life you had hoped for them. You could also write about the special memories you shared and the big impact they made on your life, even if you only had a short time together.

Some people find it helpful to talk to their lost pet or to memorialise them in some way. You could create a photo book of their life or a special site to visit and remember them.
Hopefully, you have supportive friends and family around you who will be happy to hear about your pet’s life rather than focusing on the events that led to their death. If you do need extra support, there are some excellent pet bereavement services.

Many people on The Ralph Site’s Facebook page and in the private Facebook group have experienced a traumatic loss too and can offer a sympathetic ear.

The main thing is to celebrate the life your pet lived and their unique personality. Instead of letting their story be about ‘the animal that died a tragic death’, tell the story of the animal that loved their belly tickled or had a favourite toy or who made people laugh with their funny quirks.

And always know that you are not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Sadly, the question of whether someone should be allowed time off work to grieve following the death of a pet seems to be a divisive one.

People are often afraid to ask for much-needed time off because they’re worried that their colleagues won’t understand the depth of their bereavement. Many non-animal lovers or people who don’t have pets may struggle to be sympathetic, but that doesn’t take away from the reality of your loss.

Those of us who have lost a beloved pet understand that the grief can be as distressing and life-changing as the loss of a human companion.

That isn’t something you can file away in your mind and get straight back to work as usual.
So where does the law stand on pet bereavement leave?

Time off for dependants

Employees in the UK are entitled to take time off for dependants, including time for emergencies and unforeseen circumstances. A dependant could be a spouse, partner, child, grandchild, parent, or someone who depends on you for care.

Some employers will count pets in this category – after all, your pets are dependent on you to meet their needs. Unfortunately, this provision isn’t written into any legislation. It will depend on the policies and attitudes of individual employers and/or organisations.

Taking time off for dependants would usually apply to a situation where your pet is still living but needs emergency care that you couldn’t have foreseen.

Compassionate leave

If your employer doesn’t view your living pets as dependants but they are very unwell or need emergency care, you may be allowed to take some ‘compassionate leave’ from work.
Whether this is paid or unpaid leave will depend on the terms of your contract and your employer’s policy towards compassionate leave.

Bereavement leave

Interestingly, according to research by Petplan, one in 20 people now take time off to settle in new pets at home and say that their employers are understanding of the need for what the media dubs ‘paw-ternity’ leave.

Sadly, this understanding doesn’t always extend to end of life care for our pets or the subsequent grief that can turn our world upside down.

Currently (March 2018), there is no legal obligation for UK employers to provide compassionate or bereavement leave as standard, paid or otherwise, even in the case of the death of a human family member or close friend.

The Employment Rights Act 1996 gives employees the right to take time off to deal with an emergency situation, including the death of the dependant, but it doesn’t make provisions for after the death, including time that can be taken to grieve.

An increasing number of employers are choosing to add terms for bereavement leave to employee contracts but it’s still a grey area, even more so when it’s a pet that has died.
Many employers feel that if pets were included in the terms for time off for dependants, compassionate leave or bereavement leave, it would be open to abuse or lead to too many pet-related absences.

What can you do if you need time off work for a pet bereavement?

We really mustn’t underestimate the impact of pet bereavement. Some stats suggest that a third of pet carers report grieving for at least six months after the loss of their companion. In the beginning, working may simply be impossible.

The best advice is to talk to your employer about your individual circumstances as soon as you can if you feel they will be receptive. You might want to point out that you will be distracted and not as productive as usual and that you need some time to grieve.

Many employers will be willing to offer one or two days’ compassionate leave. Others may be more sympathetic, some less.

Many people choose not to disclose their circumstances and opt to take paid holiday leave or sick leave instead. This is an option you might want to consider if you feel that your employer or colleagues will not understand your loss.

Gradually, attitudes towards pet bereavement are changing. In the US, at least three national companies now allow staff to take compassionate leave following the death of a pet. Hopefully, more will follow suit throughout the world.

In the meantime, it’s worth reviewing your contract, talking to your manager or HR department, and drawing on the support around you at this sad time.

If you are struggling following the death of a pet, you might find it helpful to talk to a pet bereavement counsellor or seek support through The Ralph Site Facebook group where people will be sympathetic to your feelings.

Above all, do know that you’re not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

If we’re lucky, our pets will live long and healthy lives but, sadly, the end must come eventually.
If you have a terminally ill or elderly pet, the grief can start a long time before you actually lose them. This is known as anticipatory grief and can bring its own particular pain and heartache. Continue reading →

One of the toughest aspects of grieving for a pet is that people often feel very alone and unsupported in their loss.

Sadly, a bereaved pet carer might be given a day off work and receive a few sympathy cards before they’re expected to put their loss behind them and get back to normality. Yet, in reality, the loss of a pet can be as devastating as the loss of a human companion.
Continue reading →

If only…. How to deal with pet loss guilt

Something striking when one reads the many stories of loss on The Ralph Site Facebook page, and especially within the private Facebook group, is that – although the circumstances of each loss are different – guilt seems to be one of the unifying emotions.
Pet loss guilt is particularly present and overwhelming in the early days following a bereavement. Continue reading →