Losing a pet is hard enough for us adults, but for a child, losing their best friend, confidante and partner in crime can feel devastating. Parents already coming to terms with their own loss are called upon to comfort, advise and encourage their children through the healing process, and this can add extra stresses at an impossibly difficult time. Equally, the very process of sharing your feelings and talking about positive steps forward, as you help your child come to terms with his or her grief, can be beneficial for you too.

Clearly everybody’s reaction to the loss of a pet is different, depending both on the circumstances of the loss as well as on the personality, age and situation of the carer. Yet at their varying stages of development and maturity, helping children deal with grief will require a particular, and more predictable, approach, according to their age.

The following guidelines are from the Association of Pet Loss and Bereavement:

Toddlers:

At this age children should be told the pet has died and will not return. It is important to reassure them that they did not do or say anything to cause the death. It is good to cry and show your own feelings of grief, but these must be controlled and perceived as a normal response to the loss of a loved one. Extra reassurance, as well as maintaining usual routines will help. Any new pet will usually be accepted very easily.

4-6 year olds:

There is now some understanding of death, but the permanence of it may not be grasped. Manifestations of grief may include bowel or bladder disturbances as well as a change in playing, eating and sleeping habits. Through ‘little and often’ discussions, allow the child to express feelings and concerns. Give extra reassurance. Drawing pictures and writing stories about their loss may be helpful, and it’s recommended that you include the child in any funeral arrangements.

7-9 year olds:

Children in this age group know that death is irreversible. They do not normally think this might happen to them, but they may be concerned about the death of their parents. They are very curious and may ask questions that appear morbid – this is natural and is best approached frankly and honestly. Grief may manifest as problems at school, anti-social behaviour, aggression, withdrawal and clingy behaviour – once again, it’s important to reassure the child that the death was not their fault.

10-11 year olds:

Now children are usually able to understand that death is natural, inevitable and happens to all living things. They often react in a manner very similar to adults, using their parent’s attitude as their model. A pet’s death can trigger memories of previous losses of any kind, and this should always be open for discussion.

Adolescents:

Whilst teenagers react similarly to adults, the typical adolescent span of expression can range from apparent total lack of concern to hyper-emotional. Peer approval is very important – if friends are supportive, it is much easier for them to deal with a loss.

Young adults:

The loss of a family pet at this age can be particularly hard. There may be feelings of guilt for abandoning the pet when leaving home for college, work or marriage, especially where there has been a very close relationship since early childhood. Distance may also make returning home difficult, which can add an extra sense of guilt.

Many books have been written to help children come to terms with the loss of their pet, and you may find it useful to read these together with young children.
You can find a list of our suggestions on our main site, via this link.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

In the latest of our series of mini interviews with friends of The Ralph Site  we heard from Agnes Cuthbertson, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

Living at home with me at the moment are a white German Shepherd called Alfie…

…and a kitten called Poppy.

2. What was the name of your first pet?

I got my first pet was when I was living at home with my parents – a dog called Trudy. She was a rusty coloured collie and we loved her very much.

3. Why did you choose that name?

It was a family decision – my brother found her in the snow, dumped at the side of the road, and brought her home to my mum. I remember there was a big hullabaloo and she got to stay after much ‘please, please mum can we keep her?’

4. Cats, dogs or another species? Can you choose? And why?

To be honest I love all animals. But if it comes down to choosing then it’s got to be cats. If I’m honest I’m not entirely sure why, although I do find them independent, funny and interesting creatures.

5. What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

Wow, that’s a hard one – there are just so many. I think I would have to say my cat Lucky, who was with me for seventeen years. Every morning Lucky would come into my bedroom and look at me to be lifted up. As soon as he was in my arms, his front legs would stretch straight out and he would cuddle them around my neck and stay there until I put him back on the floor.

6. Which three words would you choose to describe him?

I would need so many more than three, but if only three are allowed I would say ‘my trusty sidekick’.

7. What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

That’s easy – Lassie the famous collie dog.  Lassie was gorgeous and very intelligent. I always had a little cry at the end of every film!

8. If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

A cat – they just don’t care! They’re so laid back, sleeping all day and out on the tiles all night, LOL!  They don’t need people as such, and only bother with us if they want feeding and they don’t want to go hunting.

9. What advice would you give to someone grieving for a much-loved pet?

Having lost pets of my own and worked with animal rescue, I know both from personal experience and witnessing in others, the pain and distress that losing an animal can cause.  I would always advise anyone who has newly lost or is having trouble coping with the loss of a much-loved member of their pet family to talk to someone if possible. Choose an understanding friend, or the very welcoming and helpful Facebook group at The Ralph Site. The Ralph Site is now worldwide, so someone is always online 24/7 to talk and empathise with you. If the distress is severe and to the point you need more than a friendly ear, then I would advise visiting your GP and ask for counselling. You can also find pet bereavement counsellors online and on Facebook, and Shailen (who runs The Ralph Site) can point you in the right direction.

10. When and how did you first come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I lost my 10-year-old German Shepherd Sasha five years ago, and a day later The Ralph Site appeared on my timeline. I honestly don’t know how it got there but it saved me. I didn’t talk to anyone apart from the lovely people on the group for two weeks, as I felt nobody understood my pain apart from them. Giving someone else advice and sympathy is easy, it costs nothing. But it’s totally different when it’s you going through the whole distressing experience.  The Ralph Site is a very important lifeline for all those in despair – either from a recent or distant loss, or facing the inevitable decision to have their fur baby put to sleep. So, so many people have come to rely on online friends from The Ralph Site for help, advice and support in their time of need. There is no other pet loss group I know of that provides such a huge, loving and much-needed olive branch.

We’ll be featuring regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site in future; so do keep an eye out every first and third week of each month!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the last week of every month we take a look back at the crazy creatures and amazing animals that have made the headlines in recent weeks. Here’s a reminder of what March’s headlines told us about some of the animals that share our planet:

Uproar as trainee bomb detection dog shot and killed

Sadly the amazing work done by sniffer dogs hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons this month. Grizz, a 10-month-old bearded collie cross, was shot and killed after escaping from his handler and running across the runways in Auckland airport. He had bolted at the end of a training shift and staff reported they had spent three hours trying to catch him, during which time sixteen flights were delayed. Clearly this was a serious safety issue, but many have struggled to understand why the dog could not have simply been tranquilised and rescued, rather than being killed. New Zealand’s Aviation Security Service is currently investigating the tragic incident.

Iron Man talks to the animals

It has just been announced that Robert Downey Jr. is to star in Universal’s latest epic tale, ‘The Voyage of Doctor Dolittle’. An ever-popular series of tales featuring a doctor who leaves his human patients behind in favour of working with animals, with whom he can converse in their own tongue, the original big-screen version starred British actor Rex Harrison and received a Best Picture nomination at the Oscars in 1967. Subsequent comedy and cartoon versions of the story have been equally successful, but there’s no news as yet as to when the latest film will hit the big screen. Watch this space!

Smaller, but still perfectly formed?

Scientists at the University of New Hampshire have published research suggesting that the average size of the earth’s animals could shrink as global warming takes hold. A study of fossil teeth belonging to early ancestors of the horse revealed that during Eocene Thermal Maximum 2 (a warming event of 3oC that occurred around 54 million years ago), animals shrank in size by an average of 14%. Climate researchers currently estimate that our planet will warm between 2-4oC by 2100 and thus similar shifts in size in future are possible. Watch this shape!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the latest of our series of mini interviews with friends of The Ralph Site  we heard from Diane Brodie-Farmer, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

Living at home with me at the moment are Nina a Romanian rescue dog, and Benny a tabby cat.

2. What was the name of your first pet?

My first pet was a dog named Lucky.

3. Why did you choose that name?

She was already part of our family before I was born so I didn’t name her, but she had been the last puppy in the pet shop (back in the days when puppies were often sold that way), so my dad called her Lucky.

4. Cats, dogs or another species? Can you choose? And why?

I have always had dogs, but since getting married we have had cats too. If I really had to choose (and hopefully I won’t ever have to!) then I would say dogs, as I love going for walks with them.

5. What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

There are so many! One that really makes me smile is the memory of taking my first dog (Pipsey) up to the local park and her playing on the slide with me and my friends, going up and down constantly!

6. Which three words would you choose to describe her?

Faithful, funny and lovable.

7. What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

I would say Garfield – he reminds me of a cat we had once who was a real character.

8. If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

That’s easy – I would be a pampered cat in a good home. What a great life they have, coming and going as they please.

9. What advice would you give to someone grieving for a much-loved pet?

First and foremost I would tell them not to feel guilty about grieving. I found looking at old photos and memories helped me, but I have been lucky that each of my animals has lived to a great age. All my dogs were over 13 years old when they passed, so looking back I think I tried to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable. Of course, even so I was heartbroken each time.
I did find getting another fur baby helped me, and rescuing Nina after losing Lottie was the best thing I ever did, as I hated coming back to an empty home. It’s funny, some parts of her character are so like Lottie and that makes me happy.

10. When and how did you first come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

The community was recommended to me by a friend who had found The Ralph Site after losing her own cat – I have found great comfort in reading the words of others who have experienced the same great sense of loss that I have, and I would encourage anybody missing their four-legged friends to join in.

We’ll be featuring regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site in future; so do keep an eye out every first and third week of each month!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Losing a pet is such a personal experience that sometimes it can seem impossible to share your thoughts and feelings with others. Sadly we all know that there is no magic word that anyone can say to make the pain go away, but it’s so true that the simple act of talking about your experience can often take away some of the hurt. The Ralph Site community was founded on, and operates by, this principle with members and friends supporting each other through difficult times. You might also be lucky enough to have a partner, family member or close friend who you can confide in. Or you may find that it helps to speak to someone you don’t know; which is where the Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) can help.

Pet Bereavement Support Service (Blue Cross)

Trained PBSS volunteers offer emotional support and information without judgement or bias. UK callers can access the support line on 0800 096 6606 and it is open from 8.30am – 8.30pm everyday. All calls are free and confidential from a landline, although if you are calling from a mobile phone, please be aware that some phone networks may charge. Alternatively, if you find it easier to put your feelings in writing, you can also email the Pet Bereavement Support Service on pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk and they will reply within 48 hours. More information is available on the charity’s website.

Many of the volunteers working on the PBSS helpline do so because they wanted to share their own experiences of pet loss and give something back to the charity that helped them. Volunteering has proved to be a cathartic experience for many, and perhaps in time you might wish to consider doing the same?

ALLY

One organisation training people to provide support is ALLY, a community-based service for anyone experiencing the loss of their companion animal. From their base in the SW of England they are gradually expanding their network across the UK, and training opportunities are available for anyone wishing to become an accredited supporter and help others currently going through the loss they have themselves experienced. Find out more at their website.

Just remember that however you may be feeling, you are not alone. Countless others are going through the same painful experience, whilst many more have come through it with the help and support not only of friends and families, but also from strangers. Sometimes help is only a phone call or a click away.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.