And it’s OK not to be.

Losing a loved one is always devastating.
But whilst the sense of loss is universally intense, it is also uniquely experienced – no two people will feel the same way, just as the same person may feel different every time they experience loss.

It seems obvious to say, and yet so often society and well-meaning friends assume that we are following a predictable and understandable process of grieving. There is no ‘right’ way to react or feel following the loss of a much-loved pet, and it’s impossible to know how you will feel in advance. Preparing for an inevitable end is not necessarily easier than experiencing a sudden loss.

People may say to you: “it’s only a pet” or “but it’s been ages now”, as if there is an acceptable time to feel bad, and after that point you simply have to switch off and move on.
Others may secretly wonder why you don’t seem sad; how can you have moved on so quickly?
It’s important to keep in mind that everybody means well; they are either trying to help you move towards happier times, or preparing you for a delayed reaction. Take on board any comments that you find helpful, and simply disregard those that you don’t – try not to magnify your grief with anger or sadness directed towards others. Because grief, in all its forms, is a personal process.

You might find it comforting to keep a photograph or a memento of your pet with you at all times. On the other hand, perhaps you find this morbid or upsetting.
Both reactions are perfectly normal, and equally OK.

You might feel that you don’t want your pet’s ashes returning. Or you might wish to plan a trip to a favourite beach and scatter them over the dunes where he/she loved to run.
Either course of action (and of course anything and everything else in between) is just fine.

You might find it helpful to read the experiences of others who are going through the same emotions as you. The Ralph Site public Facebook page  and private Facebook group offer a non-judgemental space to offer advice, ask for support or simply to share memories of a wonderful companion.
There are also lots of links to useful websites and organisations offering support through the grieving process on The Ralph Site. You might not be ready for them right now, and indeed you might not feel that you ever need them, but resources such as these are available for you to consult if, or when, you do.

Of course, there is no website or blog that can take away the pain of loss, but there is comfort to be found in the knowledge that you are not alone, that it’s OK to feel how you are feeling.
And it will ease:

Grief never ends,
But it changes.
It’s a passage,
Not a place to stay.
The sense of loss
Must give way
If we are to value
The life that was lived.
Grief is not a sign of weakness
Nor lack of faith
It is the price of love.

~Author unknown

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team.
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

In the latest of our series of mini interviews with friends of The Ralph Site we heard from Susie Follin, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

I only have Alfe at the moment, he’s a peaches and cream kind of cat, with piercing blue eyes.
He’s in remission from IMHA*, having been diagnosed in 2015.
[*Shailen added: IMHA is a disease where a cat’s immune system destroys his/her own red blood cells causing a shortage (anaemia).]

2. What was the name of your first pet?

My first cat was called Poppy, she was white and black and we had some great times together.

3. Why did you choose that name?

She came to me with the name already – I rescued her when she was 18 months old and we lived together until she reached the ripe old age of 17. Poppy was a proper lady.

4. Cats, dogs or another species? Can you choose?! And why?!

For me it is always cats – they are mysterious creatures (I believe they have psychic abilities) and will never be ruled by anybody else!

5. What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

It’s very hard to choose, as I have lots of happy memories. The one that sticks in my mind is
Charlie – he was so human-like, he used to sit around the fire in the garden with us all whenever we were outside. He particularly loved BBQs and fireworks! Charlie would sit beneath the gazebo in a comfy chair until everyone went home, having made sure he got a tasty something from every guest.
I do miss him.

6. Which three words would you choose to describe him?

My best boy.

7. What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

I would have to say Scooby Doo, I love his scruffiness! He’s rough and ready, but soft with it.

8. If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

I’d be a cat – they have the life of Riley and are so fastidious and clever. Not bad things to aim for!

9. What advice would you give to someone grieving for a much-loved pet?

I would tell anyone going through this terrible experience to go with the grief; cry to your heart’s content if you have to and don’t feel guilty or silly.
Remember. Reminisce. Ramble. Do whatever you have to, and one day you will remember with a smile and not a tear. That I promise x

10. When and how did you first come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I came across The Ralph Site when Alfe first became ill – I really thought he was going to die, as did the vets. I poured my heart out to the community and the response I got was breath taking – people cared; really, really had compassion and they helped me feel not quite so alone.
When I lost Flea the year later I got all the support I needed once again from the wonderful people at The Ralph Site.
I have made some very special friends too – they know who they are!

The most important role of any strong community is being there with love and compassion – that’s exactly what the amazing Ralph Site does.

We’ll be featuring regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site in future; so do keep an eye out every first and third week of each month!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the last week of every month we take a look back at the crazy creatures and amazing animals that have made the headlines in recent weeks. Here’s a reminder of what May’s headlines told us about some of the animals that share our planet:

UK’s first Alabama Rot conference held as deaths near 100

Many dog carers have never heard of this very serious disease, for which there is currently no cure, but vets are reporting cases from increasingly disparate parts of the UK. Alabama Rot was first discovered in the US during the late 1980s, but was not confirmed in Britain until December 2012. Since then, 98 dogs have died from the disease, with 15 cases confirmed already in 2017 – it proves fatal in 9 out of 10 dogs. Outward signs include lesions on the skin and occasionally in the mouth, which can easily be mistaken for bites, wounds or stings. Tiny clots then form in the infected dog’s blood vessels, causing blockages and ultimately kidney failure. If you spot any unusual sores on your dog, please seek further advice from a vet as soon as possible – the disease is thankfully rare but early diagnosis and treatment help improve the chances of recovery.

Uncle Fat put on a strict diet

The internet had a field day this month with the story of Uncle Fat, a morbidly obese wild macaque in Thailand who had grown to three times his normal size on a diet of junk food scavenged from tourists. (He weighs a massive 26kg, and should be closer to 9kg!)

Concerned for his health, local officials managed to catch the chunky monkey so they can control his calorie intake and ensure that his diet consists of more typical fruit, vegetables and lean proteins. Apparently the clever creature had trained several monkey minions to bring food to him once he became too large to move around. Once his weight returns to normal levels, Uncle Fat will be released back into the wild, where he will hopefully also need a new name!…

Omar the Maine Coon soon to be crowned the world’s longest cat?!

This month Omar, a beautiful ginger and white Maine Coon from Melbourne, found out that he is in the running for the record of ‘longest cat in the world’. Omar is already quite the king of social media, with 51,600 followers on Instagram! In fact, Guinness World Records called his owner Stephanie Hirst after seeing photos of the enormous feline on his Instagram feed – he measures 120cm in length and weighs in at 14kg. Omar is awaiting final confirmation from the clipboards and tape measures, but he looks on track to beat the reigning world record holder, Ludo (from the UK) who is ‘only’ 118.3cm long!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the latest of our series of mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site we heard from Julia Aldred, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

I currently live with nine cats, one dog, two rabbits (who live outside) and eight fish!

2. What was the name of your first pet?

I grew up with a house full of pets, although the first one who was truly mine was a Siamese kitten named Sharni.

3. Why did you choose that name?

My mum had had a Siamese cat when she first got married, called Shanei. I liked the name but didn’t want to copy, so I changed it slightly.

4. Cats, dogs or another species? Can you choose?! And why?!

I love all animals – when I was young I was besotted with horses and I got my first one when I was 14. Having said that, cats have always been a huge part of my life. A vet I once worked for was fascinated by the affinity I seemed to have with cats and told me I should take time to study for a career in Cat Behaviour. Unfortunately as a young mother, I couldn’t afford not to be earning a wage, so I never got the opportunity to pursue this. I do seem to bond with cats quite easily, and my friends laugh and call me The Cat Whisperer. I’m sure I’d have been burnt at the stake as a witch if I’d been born in medieval times!

5. What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

Oh this is hard! My lovely old horses, my faithful old dogs, or one of my many cats? All have given me so many happy memories.

I will go with my horse, Zingo – a Welsh Cob I was bought aged 14 for doing well in my exams. I had to get myself a part-time Saturday job in the local newsagents to help pay for his keep, as that was part of the deal, along with babysitting for our next-door neighbour.

He was such a naughty horse when I got him, always putting his head down for grass and because he was so strong I couldn’t pull it up again! When I got off to shorten the reins, he’d turn round and bite my behind as I was trying to remount! Gradually I learned how to work with him, and we were together for 28 years.

In those years we had many funny escapades. He could never pass the petrol station without me having to call into the shop and buy him a packet of Polo mints. He insisted on saying ‘please’ by lifting his front leg, and pawing the air if he spotted anyone eating crisps or Polos. He could break into any pocket on a coat if he smelled mints – he was obsessed! But he was the sweetest natured creature – he taught both my children not to fear horses, and he was the favourite mount of the Riding for the Disabled classes we used to do for a local school.

He was just over 31 when I finally had to say goodbye and send him over Rainbow Bridge, as he had gone off his legs.

6. Which three words would you choose to describe him?

Loyal, loving and unforgettable x

7. What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

Probably a Unicorn, because they are the spirit of love and peace.

8. If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

I’d be a cat – they are such elegant, aloof creatures, but so loving if they choose. Cats are both independent and needy, so to be loved by your cat and not just used as a meal ticket, is truly fulfilling.

9. What advice would you give to someone grieving for a much-loved pet?

Take as long as you need to grieve, and don’t listen to anyone who thinks there is something wrong with you because you’re crying for ‘just an animal’! Our companions are not ‘just’ animals; they are part of the family. Talk to people who also have pets who will understand your grief. If things are really getting too bad, then don’t be afraid to seek medical help.

Don’t feel you are dishonouring your passed fur baby if you were to get another, it may help you through your grief; you are not replacing him / her, just allowing your heart to expand to give another pet some love.

10. When and how did you first come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I first came across The Ralph Site when I lost my old dog Bracken. She had been such a big part of my life and had recovered from two strokes, although when she began to suffer at the age of 17, I realised the time had come to say goodbye. I was heartbroken.

One of my friends sent me a snippet of a poem they’d seen on The Ralph Site so I immediately searched and found it myself. I have been on the site many times since, for my own losses and following other people’s stories.

I think the most important role of The Ralph Site community is to help other people cope with their grief; be it to just let them pour it out to people who understand what they are going through, to pass on advice or to help them remember the happy times and celebrate in their happiness if they do get a new pet.

At the end of the day, it’s a community of like-minded people who are friends – a wonderful place where no colour or religion matters, just our love of our animals and the comfort we can give each other.

We’ll be featuring regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site in future; so do keep an eye out every first and third week of each month!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Losing a friend is a devastating experience to go through, even without the additional burden of having to make practical decisions at a time when you are not functioning normally. Choosing whether to bury or cremate your faithful friend is one of the biggest decisions you will be asked to make at this difficult time, and it is always best to think about the options in advance if at all possible. In this way you can avoid the risk of future regrets, resulting from decisions necessarily taken in haste whilst in a fragile emotional state.

There are two main options, burial and cremation – let’s take a look at some practical considerations concerning both.

Burial

• UK Law allows pets to be buried either at your own property or at a licensed pet cemetery
•  It’s wise to ensure that there is at least a metre of soil above the grave, in order to prevent wild animals disturbing your pet’s final resting place
•  Burying your pet at home brings some comfort in that your pet is close by, in a garden that he or she loved. However, if you subsequently move house it can be distressing to leave your pet behind. If you have young children they might find this particularly upsetting.
•  Planting a tree gives a permanent memory of your pet, but again this can be difficult to leave behind if you ever move. Perhaps you might like to consider dedicating a potted shrub to your pet’s memory – this can be taken with you when you move
• If you choose a pet cemetery as your pet’s final resting place, we recommend that you think about:
  o Arrangements for marking the grave – are you able to choose and place your own marker?
  o Opening times – will you be able to visit your pet easily (especially important if you have to travel far)
  o Annual maintenance fees – what is the ongoing charge for upkeep of the plot, and what would happen to your pet’s grave if the business ceased to operate?
•  Details of pet burial grounds near you can be found quickly and easily by searching online, and we have also compiled a list of pet cemeteries and crematoria on the main website.

Cremation

• Consider whether you would like an individual cremation for your pet, or perhaps a shared cremation could be an option. Not everyone wants to have their pet’s ashes returned, and in this case a shared cremation can be a practical consideration.
• If it is important to you that your pet receives an individual cremation (so that you can be certain that the ashes returned to you are those of your beloved animal) then we recommend you ensure that the crematorium you choose is a member of the Association of Private Pet Cemeteries & Crematoria , where this is standard practice.
• Talk to the crematorium staff about your wishes – it may be possible to view the process, if you would like to do so
• A wide choice of dedicated urns and caskets are available, or you may wish to provide your own container for your pet’s ashes – your chosen crematorium can advise you on the specific requirements.

Of course, this is an upsetting subject and so you might also find it useful to speak with family and friends about their experiences and choices – they will undoubtedly have a wealth of advice they would be only too happy to share. And likewise do of course speak to your veterinary practice about this.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.