As each of us knows all too well, losing a pet is devastating. The emotions we experience cannot be fully understood or mitigated by planning or expectation. If your pet has borne a terminal illness, knowing that the end is coming is no less painful than one that arrives unannounced.

It’s important to remember that there is no ‘right’ way to feel, no ‘normal’ length of time to grieve. You may feel bereft and hollow for weeks, or you may feel calm and accepting of your loss within days. Each and every scenario is your ‘normal’ and cannot be altered by well-meaning friends and colleagues telling you to ‘buck your ideas up’. Some people find it helpful to look for a timeline of grief, so that they can see a glimmer of light ahead, identifying a time when they might start to feel better again.

‘Time heals’ we often hear. Those of us who have been through bereavement know that the pain never magically goes away, although it does become manageable as time passes. It really does. The intense feelings of loss, anger and pain do become less raw as the months inevitably go by. With a physical injury, the wound heals with time and we are left with a scar. The same is true with emotional pain; our hearts and our minds draw a veil over the immediate pain, but a scar remains. With time we can remember our lost friends with a smile instead of a tear.

Just how long this process takes is impossible to predict and difficult to measure. It will be different for each of us and with every pet, as a wide range of factors affect our handling of grief. So whilst we may not be able to say, “you’ll feel better in x weeks”, we can say for certain that with time, you will start to notice the signs of healing:

• You have more good days than bad
• Energy and motivation levels increase
• Memories are fond, rather than traumatic
• You can think constructively about the loss of your loved one and the impact on your life
• Sleep patterns return to normal
• You feel optimistic about the future
• Performance at work improves
• You’re able to focus on personal health and wellbeing
• Relationships feel more functional and healthy
• You feel as though you are ‘re-joining the human race’
• You begin to seek emotional and physical intimacy again

Until then, don’t put yourself under pressure to feel ‘back to normal’, especially as the parameters of ‘normal’ in your life have now been changed. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty that you can’t yet get past your grief, and give yourself the time to heal. And hard as it may be, try not to begrudge friends and family enjoying precious time with their pets . In your head and your heart, permit them the joy that comes from the special bond between us and our pets for as long as it lasts, and remember fondly the many happy times shared with your own dear friend.

Know that the pain will ease and in time comes new hope and strength.

Lots of love from Shailen and The Ralph Site team,
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

As you may well be aware, The Ralph Site has a very active Facebook page where over 40,000 friends share their experiences and emotions, supporting each other through the toughest of times. You may not know that there is also a private closed Facebook group where members can share their innermost feelings and receive advice, sympathy and a virtual hug from others who have experienced, or who are now going through, the same maelstrom of emotions. Membership of this group is by request or invitation from existing members.

Initially brought together by a shared experience of loss, these pet carers from across the world and from every different walk of life, quickly form strong bonds of empathy and friendship with each other that help them bear the burden of their grief, if only in some small way. Posts to the closed group page are often incredibly personal and raw; those who have recently lost a much-loved friend share their thoughts and feelings honestly, safe in the knowledge that there is no judgement, only understanding and love.

There are many common themes running through the language of grief. The word cloud here illustrates the most common themes and emotions shared by pet carers across The Ralph Site Facebook pages. The size of each word is determined by the frequency with which it features, and so the largest words are those that are the most used:

Most commonly used words by Ralph Site community members.

As you can see, the most commonly used word is ‘sorry’, closely followed by ‘loss’ (indeed, these are often used together, “I’m sorry for your loss”). Knowing that a stranger cares about how you are feeling is both comforting and empowering. In the depths of grief it can feel like you are the only one feeling the pain, and a virtual hug, in the shape of a few kind words, can provide some welcome light in the darkness. ‘RIP’ is also much used and offers the comfort of knowing that these pets are now in a better place, where they will not age or feel pain.

Many Facebook users clearly take comfort from the idea that their pets are waiting for them at Rainbow Bridge, where they play with other pets who have passed, each restored to health and vitality. When the pain and loss does not make sense, giving a shape and colour to the experience in the form of a heavenly place such as Rainbow Bridge can help enormously. Many pet carers struggle with the thought that their pet may be cold and alone in their final resting place, and so thinking of a much-loved friend in a better place is a welcome relief. Whether or not you are a spiritual person, and regardless of which God you may believe in, accepting that the mortal remains under the ground are simply the shell that once held the spirit and beauty of a dear friend can help alleviate some of the guilt that accompanies burials and cremation. Many members of the Facebook community discuss how they have dealt with moving house when their pet’s grave remains, and amongst the empathy there are many practical tips to be found. One person shared her plans to be cremated with the ashes of her much-loved cat, so that they can at last be reunited – an idea that many others found both inspiring and comforting.

“Thinking of you” and “in my thoughts / prayers” are also very common sentiments on The Ralph Site Facebook pages. Often friends will post details of their pet’s imminent passing or ongoing struggle with illness or old age, and friends will keep checking back for news. Knowing that someone has been thinking about you as you come to the end of a difficult day offers a powerful sense of support and solidarity.

Members of The Ralph Site community have each gone through the heartache of losing a dear friend and understand the range of emotions involved. ‘Guilt’ is another common thread – making the decision to put a pet to sleep is traumatic enough, without the added weight of responsibility that comes with actively ending a life. Of course, taking this decision actually represents the ultimate selfless act when undertaken with love and to ease enduring pain, but this can be hard to accept in the moment. Reading countless messages from friends telling you that you’ve done the right thing, and that the guilt will pass, helps the healing come quicker.

Many pet carers refer to their ‘fur babies’, illustrating the close and enduring bond that we form with the pets in our lives. This can be hard to understand when you have not experienced the intense emotions evoked by sharing your life with a pet, any several people report receiving harsh comments and unhelpful advice from work colleagues and friends who simply don’t understand the depth of grief that can accompany the passing of a pet. Using the term ‘fur baby’ helps illustrate this connection and can spread the understanding that a pet is not to be seen as a possession, rather as a true family member. Bereavement is therefore equally valid, whether it is following the passing of a grandparent or a child’s beloved guinea pig.

Looking at the words and phrases we use both to describe our grief and to support those going through it is very enlightening. Ultimately however, the most frequently used expressions of support across Facebook do not come in the form of words: x’s as kisses, and emojis feature strongly throughout as friends share the simplest expression of solidarity through images of broken hearts, footsteps, animal faces and rainbows.
Sometimes words are just not required.

xx

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

Rainbow Bridge

Many of us who have lost a pet are comforted by the sentiment behind Rainbow Bridge, the peaceful place ‘this side of Heaven’ where pets wait to be reunited with their human friends. It is not known to whom this reassuring concept can be attributed, only that throughout the 80s and 90s the idea of a Rainbow Bridge was widely shared across the world. Scholars have noted a similarity to a central feature of 13th century Norse mythology, Bilfröst; a burning rainbow bridge that spans between our world (Midgard) and Asgard, the realm of the gods. Others have pointed out that the concept of a paradise where pets wait to be reunited with their humans can first be found in published literature in 1902, in the book ‘Beautiful Joe’s Paradise’ by the American author Margaret Marshall Saunders. Whilst waiting in this paradise, animals help each other and recover from any mistreatment they may have experienced on earth, before passing into Heaven in a hot air balloon.

Of course the origins of the Rainbow Bridge are less important than the comfort it brings. Knowing that a much-loved pet is in a better place, peacefully waiting to be reunited with his or her carer can help to fill a little of the void left behind after a pet’s passing.

Rainbow Bridge where they wait to be reunited x

Ralph Site Collection of Writings and Poetry

You might also like to know that The Ralph Site has collected together a selection of writings and poetry with the aim of bringing comfort and understanding to those who have lost a dear friend. All you have to do to receive your free copy is click HERE and enter your name and email address. We promise that we won’t pass your details on to anyone else.

There are other quotes and poems on the main website HERE.

And we leave you with a tender example of one such poem, beautifully describing the huge sense of loss that accompanies the passing of a pet, sadly the author is unknown:

You no longer greet me,
As I walk through the door.
You’re not there to make me smile,
To make me laugh anymore.
Life seems quiet without you;
You were far more than a pet.
You were a family member, a friend
. . . a loving soul I’ll never forget.
It will take time to heal –
For the silence to go away.
I still listen for you,
And miss you every day.
You were such a great companion,
Constant, loyal and true.
My heart will always wear,
The paw prints left by you.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team,

The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

As the shops begin to fill with things you didn’t know you needed, it can be all too easy to get caught up in a spiral of shopping and spending as Christmas approaches. Sometimes it can feel as though the spirit of the festive season has been lost amongst the wrapping paper and endless queues.

In fact, the best gifts are often those that don’t have a financial cost – a thoughtful touch is always appreciated more than the result of a Christmas Eve panic buy. Spending a couple of hours helping people less fortunate than ourselves is so rewarding, and there are many ways in which you can be a Christmas star. The TimeBank organisation has some great ideas on its website, detailing lots of ways you can give your time and experience in order to make a real difference.

Pet lovers may want to help an animal charity, and there are certainly plenty of options for those looking to volunteer their time or skills, or simply donate a meal to help an animal in need this Christmas:

• Keep an eye out in your local supermarket for pet charity stands or collecting bins for food and toys. It’s easy to pop a couple of extra tins in your trolley and donate them on your way out.
• Contact your local shelter and offer an hour or two to help walk the dogs or socialise with the cats. There are countless local organisations you can try, and they will all be grateful for any help you can give. Many of the larger charities have volunteer pages on their websites where you can find details of ways to help near you (try the Blue Cross and PDSA)
• Volunteer with your pet to visit the elderly, lonely and house bound. Any dog or cat can become a Pets As Therapy (PAT) dog or a PAT cat, as long as he or she has lived with you for at least six months, is over nine months old and passes a short assessment.
• Fostering pets displaced when families flee domestic violence is a meaningful and practical way to provide help. The RSPCA’s PetRetreat scheme has supported over 1200 pets, belonging to 800 families who have been victims of domestic abuse. Find out more at the RSPCA website.
• Offer to walk your elderly neighbour’s dog or drive them to the vets or the pet shop when needed
• Why not clear out some clutter and have a table top sale or car boot, with all the profits going to a local pet charity?
• If you are good at crafts or baking, perhaps you could make and sell Christmas cards or mince pies to raise money for a charity close to your heart
• You could even organise a sponsored event or hold a collection at a community carol service

Of course, these are just a few of the ways in which you can volunteer, and no doubt you can think of several local causes that would benefit greatly from your support. So if you’d like this to really be a Christmas to remember, why not spread a little extra love in the direction of those in need – there are few better feelings than the warm glow of a generous gesture of support!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.

Now that the clocks have gone back and the Christmas lights are going up, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that winter is on its way. Along with the longer nights and colder temperatures, comes the need to take some extra precautions so that pets who live outdoors don’t suffer with the winter chills; we’ve put together a list of simple steps you can take to ensure your pets stay cosy till the spring:

Rabbits and guinea pigs

Rabbits have naturally adapted to cope with the cold fairly well, but damp and draughty conditions can easily lead to illness or worsen arthritis, especially in older bunnies.

• Check the hutch for signs that water is getting in and block up any gaps
• Ensure that the roof slopes towards the back to drain water away
• The base of the hutch should be raised at least 10cm above the ground in order to avoid damp and rot
• Re-apply waterproofing paint and/or covers (plastic sheeting, tarpaulin etc.) regularly
• Position the hutch away from the wind
• Cover with an old blanket or piece of carpet at night, or a fitted protective cover
• Take care to make sure that there is still adequate ventilation for your pets, leaving the mesh free during the day
• Ideally, move the hutch into a shed or garage, but only if vehicles are not regularly driven in and out – the carbon monoxide in exhaust fumes can quickly be fatal to small animals
• Provide plenty of fresh haw and straw, along with scrunched-up newspaper for your pets to burrow and snuggle in to
  Microwaveable heat pads are available for rabbits and guinea pigs; placed in the hutch at night they offer some welcome extra heat
• Check that your stores of straw, hay and wood shavings do not become damp and mouldy; eating these could cause your pets to become ill
• Provide plenty of opportunities for play and exercise – whilst more difficult during the winter, they remain essential to your pets’ health. On dry days your pets can still spend time in their run, and you can also bring them inside for a supervised run around.
• Check water bottles at least twice a day as these can easily freeze, and your pet may drink more during the colder weather when access to fresh grass and greens is reduced. You might want to add a water bowl in addition to the usual bottle

If your pets are old, young, ill or underweight, you may wish to consider bringing them indoors for the winter. If so, it’s best to choose a quiet part of the house, and provide familiar items with comforting smells in order to avoid stressing your pet. With patience, rabbits can even be litter trained!

Fish

If you have fish in a pond outdoors, now is the time to clear away fallen leaves and organic matter from the pond, cut back dead or dying aquatic plants and turn off your filter and pump before the water freezes.
Hopefully you have been feeding your fish with a high protein food over the summer, building up fat reserves to help them through the winter. As the water temperature drops, the amount of food given should be reduced, stopping altogether once the temperature falls below 100C. A wheatgerm-based food is good, as it is easily digested.

Horses

The RSPCA has put together a handy checklist for horse carers, detailing some extra considerations you may wish to bear in mind as winter approaches.

With a bit of preparation, your pets can comfortably weather the approaching winter, and spring will be here before we know it!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Please note: The Ralph Site is not affiliated with the third-party organisations in any of the links shared here, and the views, ideas and suggestions expressed in this and other blogs are simply shared with the intention of helping you, our friends, take care of the special animals in your lives.