Sadly, the question of whether someone should be allowed time off work to grieve following the death of a pet seems to be a divisive one.

People are often afraid to ask for much-needed time off because they’re worried that their colleagues won’t understand the depth of their bereavement. Many non-animal lovers or people who don’t have pets may struggle to be sympathetic, but that doesn’t take away from the reality of your loss.

Those of us who have lost a beloved pet understand that the grief can be as distressing and life-changing as the loss of a human companion.

That isn’t something you can file away in your mind and get straight back to work as usual.
So where does the law stand on pet bereavement leave?

Time off for dependants

Employees in the UK are entitled to take time off for dependants, including time for emergencies and unforeseen circumstances. A dependant could be a spouse, partner, child, grandchild, parent, or someone who depends on you for care.

Some employers will count pets in this category – after all, your pets are dependent on you to meet their needs. Unfortunately, this provision isn’t written into any legislation. It will depend on the policies and attitudes of individual employers and/or organisations.

Taking time off for dependants would usually apply to a situation where your pet is still living but needs emergency care that you couldn’t have foreseen.

Compassionate leave

If your employer doesn’t view your living pets as dependants but they are very unwell or need emergency care, you may be allowed to take some ‘compassionate leave’ from work.
Whether this is paid or unpaid leave will depend on the terms of your contract and your employer’s policy towards compassionate leave.

Bereavement leave

Interestingly, according to research by Petplan, one in 20 people now take time off to settle in new pets at home and say that their employers are understanding of the need for what the media dubs ‘paw-ternity’ leave.

Sadly, this understanding doesn’t always extend to end of life care for our pets or the subsequent grief that can turn our world upside down.

Currently (March 2018), there is no legal obligation for UK employers to provide compassionate or bereavement leave as standard, paid or otherwise, even in the case of the death of a human family member or close friend.

The Employment Rights Act 1996 gives employees the right to take time off to deal with an emergency situation, including the death of the dependant, but it doesn’t make provisions for after the death, including time that can be taken to grieve.

An increasing number of employers are choosing to add terms for bereavement leave to employee contracts but it’s still a grey area, even more so when it’s a pet that has died.
Many employers feel that if pets were included in the terms for time off for dependants, compassionate leave or bereavement leave, it would be open to abuse or lead to too many pet-related absences.

What can you do if you need time off work for a pet bereavement?

We really mustn’t underestimate the impact of pet bereavement. Some stats suggest that a third of pet carers report grieving for at least six months after the loss of their companion. In the beginning, working may simply be impossible.

The best advice is to talk to your employer about your individual circumstances as soon as you can if you feel they will be receptive. You might want to point out that you will be distracted and not as productive as usual and that you need some time to grieve.

Many employers will be willing to offer one or two days’ compassionate leave. Others may be more sympathetic, some less.

Many people choose not to disclose their circumstances and opt to take paid holiday leave or sick leave instead. This is an option you might want to consider if you feel that your employer or colleagues will not understand your loss.

Gradually, attitudes towards pet bereavement are changing. In the US, at least three national companies now allow staff to take compassionate leave following the death of a pet. Hopefully, more will follow suit throughout the world.

In the meantime, it’s worth reviewing your contract, talking to your manager or HR department, and drawing on the support around you at this sad time.

If you are struggling following the death of a pet, you might find it helpful to talk to a pet bereavement counsellor or seek support through The Ralph Site Facebook group where people will be sympathetic to your feelings.

Above all, do know that you’re not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

If we’re lucky, our pets will live long and healthy lives but, sadly, the end must come eventually.
If you have a terminally ill or elderly pet, the grief can start a long time before you actually lose them. This is known as anticipatory grief and can bring its own particular pain and heartache. Continue reading →

One of the toughest aspects of grieving for a pet is that people often feel very alone and unsupported in their loss.

Sadly, a bereaved pet carer might be given a day off work and receive a few sympathy cards before they’re expected to put their loss behind them and get back to normality. Yet, in reality, the loss of a pet can be as devastating as the loss of a human companion.
Continue reading →

If only…. How to deal with pet loss guilt

Something striking when one reads the many stories of loss on The Ralph Site Facebook page, and especially within the private Facebook group, is that – although the circumstances of each loss are different – guilt seems to be one of the unifying emotions.
Pet loss guilt is particularly present and overwhelming in the early days following a bereavement. Continue reading →

Most people associate pet bereavement with the physical death of a beloved pet but what happens when you’re grieving for a pet that has escaped from your home, runaway or even been stolen?

A traumatic loss

When a pet goes missing, it’s so horribly unexpected that it can take time to process the circumstances and your feelings.

Bereavement experts agree that the grief that follows is very similar to that experienced when a pet dies suddenly and traumatically.

As well as the feelings of missing your pet and the life you share with each other, it’s likely that your thoughts may be running in a terrible cycle of questions, “How did this happen?”, “Are they scared?”, “Are they suffering?”, “Are they safe?”, “Has someone found them?”, “Who’s fault is this?”, “What if I’d done X, Y or Z instead?”, “Where are they now?”.

You may feel angry, helpless, frustrated and guilty. If your pet went missing because of someone else’s actions – however innocent those actions may have been – the chances are that you feel angry with that person and may even blame them for your loss.

This can have devastating consequences if that person is part of your immediate support network – a partner, parent or friend – who you would normally turn to at this time of grieving. You may find that you can’t even look at them without thinking of your lost pet.

Or what if your child accidentally forgot to shut the garden gate or close the front door? You may find yourself torn between wanting to minimise their suffering and being angry about their role in this loss, which can be challenging to manage.

How long do we wait?

There’s one feeling, in particular, that can make grieving for a missing pet even more heart wrenching, and that feeling is hope – hope that your pet is alive and well; hope that they’ll come home; hope that your family will be complete again one day.

Most of us have heard stories of cats that have disappeared, only to return months later without a care in the world. There’s always the hope that your pet could return one day too.

As someone once described it, “It’s like having an open wound that’s not allowed to heal” because, of course, all the time there’s hope, it means that the loss might only be temporary. If you have hope, you may feel that it’s not OK to grieve. After all, wouldn’t grieving be like giving up?

But many people are faced with the question of, “How long do we wait for our pet to return?” Maybe what they’re really asking is, “When are we allowed to grieve?”

There is no right or wrong answer. As we’ve said before, grief doesn’t have a timeline.

Searching for a missing pet

Most people find it helps them to be as proactive as possible about searching for their pet, especially in the days immediately after they go missing. If you haven’t already, you could:

• Initiate a search of the local area
• Let your neighbours know that your pet is missing
• If it’s your cat who’s gone missing, many people recommend putting the litter tray outside so that the scent carries
• Check with local vets and animal shelters
• Create some ‘Lost pet’ posters to put up on lampposts and community noticeboards
• Post on Facebook – many areas now have local community groups where you can post about missing pets

These actions can help to give you back a feeling of control at a time when you may feel impotent in the face of your loss

Coping with your loss and finding closure

You may feel like it’s impossible to reconcile your grief with the glimmer of hope we talked about above. It’s this lack of closure that is particularly cruel.

Some people cope by telling themselves that their pet is alive, well and loved but just somewhere else. Others decide to view their pet as having died in order to be able to say goodbye. Eventually, most people are able to say that if their pet returns, it will be the greatest gift but, until then, they have to live as if the animal has gone forever.

Again, there is no right or wrong.

There are some steps you can take to help you cope with your loss, whatever stage you are at in the grieving process:

• Remember that you – or whoever was involved – did not plan for this to happen. No-one woke up one morning and said, “I am going to make sure my pet escapes today”. Mistakes happen – they are part of the human condition.
• Blame is not productive – it creates barriers, loneliness and silence at a time when you need support.
• Ask yourself whether your pet would blame you or want you to be unhappy? The wonderful thing about animals is that they live in the moment, they give unconditional love and they don’t dwell in the past. Your pet would not want you to be sad.
• Grief is experienced one moment at a time – some moments are good, some are bad but all are OK.
• If you have other pets, you might find it helpful to plan against this kind of loss happening again. For example, you might want to ensure that your pets are microchipped or that the microchip has your latest contact details.
• Prioritise your self-care, whether that means eating well, going for regular walks, meeting up with a friend or soaking in the bath.
• Let yourself grieve – whether or not your pet finds his/her way home one day, doesn’t diminish the loss you’re feeling right now. Your grief is natural.

Reach out to pet bereavement support services or groups such as The Ralph Site Facebook group, where other people have lost their pets in all sorts of circumstances and will understand your feelings.

Sadly, you may never know the truth of what happened to your pet after they went missing. But you do know the truth of the life you shared together. It’s important to remember how special this was because that’s the story of your pet’s life and it deserves to be cherished.

Above all, do know that you’re not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support