One of the things that people often mention in The Ralph Site’s Facebook group following the death of a beloved pet is the loss of routine that comes hand-in-hand with their bereavement. It’s something that many of us don’t see coming and yet it can hit you like a high-speed train at a time when you already feel fragile with grief; another loss to mourn.

In many ways, the animals in our lives can shape our daily routines even more than the people around us.

It was a dog’s life

If you’ve had a canine family member, you’re probably used to planning your days around walks and dog-friendly places to go. I imagine you carry a stash of poo bags and treats in your bags and pockets, have a towel in the boot of the car for muddy days out, and never stay away from home for too long. You may default to practical clothes that don’t show up dog hair or that can withstand the weather on winter walks.

Your social life may revolve around your four-legged friend too. You’ve probably seen the same people on your morning walk for years or have struck up a friendship with a trusted dog walker or groomer. Maybe you and a friend always meet up at the weekend to walk your dogs together. Without your dog by your side, you may feel familiar faces are slipping away.

No more furry alarm clocks

Other animals can shape our lives just as much. You might have fed your cat at specific times or called them in from outside every night before you went to bed. Maybe you’ve been used to administering medicine to them at certain times of the day, especially if they were ill for a while before they passed away. You probably even miss cleaning out their litter tray!

An advert about pet food can be a crippling reminder of what’s missing from your shopping list and you may find yourself avoiding the pet care aisle of your local supermarket, having visited it with clockwork regularity for many years.

Perhaps your cat or dog laid beside you sleeping at night or nuzzled your face to wake you in the morning. You may have been blessed with a lap cat. The absence of them now is a constant reminder not only of the physical life that has passed but the shared life now past.

All creatures great and small

Smaller animals require commitment and dedication too, and their loss can be felt just as keenly. Whatever the species, perhaps you always cuddled your pet while you watched TV at night or spent time watching them play. Your routine probably includes cleaning out their cage, shopping for supplies, chopping fresh veg or topping up hay (or providing a more exotic variety of dinner, depending on the type of pet).

And let’s not forget that, as a pet carer, your companion will have been in the forefront of your mind for every holiday, every weekend away or evening out for the duration of their life with you. Whether you agonised about the perfect kennel or cattery, left your pet in the hands of a trusted friend or went somewhere your pet could come too, you’ve always prioritised their needs.

It’s these habits and moments that punctuate our lives as pet carers that are lost too when a pet dies, making the bereavement truly life-changing in emotional and practical terms.

Routine changes rated as major causes of stress

The Social Readjustment Rating Scale, which identifies major stressful life events, shows that the death of a close family member is the fifth greatest cause of stress. Animal lovers and bereavement experts alike increasingly acknowledge that those close family members are often pets.

But more than that, changes to your routine such as how you spend your spare time or your social activities can be significant and debilitating causes of stress.

It can be even more difficult to deal with if you feel that the people around you don’t understand how your life has changed overnight. Friends and family who don’t have pets of their own may struggle to grasp what you’re feeling. People may make clumsy attempts at seeing the bright side of the situation by saying things like, “At least you’re free to go on holiday whenever you want” or “I know you loved him/her but they were a tie, weren’t they?”
You may feel very alone as a result and, with the loss of routine, like you’ve lost the solid ground you need around you to support you at this sad time.

Dealing with your loss of routine

If you’re asking what you can do to help yourself as you grieve, you might want to try the following:

• Be kind to yourself. Grieving doesn’t have a timeline, nor is it a linear process. You may have weeks or even months in the future when you feel like you’ve turned a corner and then find yourself sobbing into your cereal one morning without knowing where the tears have come from. It’s devastating but completely normal too.
• Part of the grieving process includes acknowledging the routines, habits and literal creature comforts that you have lost. It isn’t just your pet who has gone but the life you shared with them.
• Find an ally, someone you can talk to about your feelings. If you can’t find someone among your friends or family who understands, then you can reach out to pet bereavement services for support. The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook is a warm, supportive place where everyone understands the true scope of your loss.
• Think about your pet and write down your favourite memories of them, including the routines you had together.
• When a human dies, every culture has rituals to help the bereaved mark and cope with the loss. This is often absent when a pet dies. However, you could create your own rituals. Perhaps you could hold a ceremony for your lost companion or plant a tree in their favourite spot in the garden.
• Create new routines or adapt the routine you shared with your pet. If you’re used to walking your dog before work every morning, you could try maintaining this habit but perhaps walk a different route or put the emphasis more on your own fitness and wellbeing.
•  Many people decide to bring a new pet into their home following the loss of a beloved furry companion. This helps them to maintain their routine and focus on the needs of the new addition. That doesn’t mean they ever forget their lost friend or skip over the grief but it can be a comfort.
• Volunteer for an organisation such as The Cinnamon Trust (in the UK) to walk a dog or care for the pets of an older person or someone who is ill. This may help you maintain aspects of your routine.
• Sit with your feelings. You may feel like the world expects you to move on from your loss straight away and that you have to ‘carry on as normal’, even when it’s your ‘normal’ that’s gone. It’s important to let yourself feel your loss so that you can begin to create a new normal.

Sadly, the life you shared with your furry friend is now past but it can and will be whole again. This quote from Elizabeth Kubler Ross may give you comfort:
Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the latest of our series of mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site we heard from Anita Nicholson, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

At the moment I have several pets at home: a black and white cat called Jinx, a Westie called Jasper, a German Spitz Kline called Poppy, a Guinea Pig called Milly and Spot, the leopard gecko. I also have three horses and feed a stray cat!

2.What was the name of your first pet?

I lived in Thailand as a child and we took in a gibbon who I called Lucky.

3.Why did you choose the name?

My parents found the poor one on the roadside, having been hit by a car, so it was the perfect name.

4.Cats, dogs, or another species? Can you choose?! And why?

Although I have a variety of furry friends, I would have to say a dog. Cats are very independent, and at times I feel more like Jinx’s butler on call! Poppy and Jasper, however, are always happy to see me, and they give so much love and affection.

5.What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

My favourite memories are with my old German Shepherd, Shane. He was a very special dog and was always very protective. When we brought Jinx home, he washed her and looked after her. He was a ten-stone, big solid dog and very tall, but he looked after her day and night. It made my heart melt.

6.Which three words would you choose to describe him?

My whole world.

7.What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

Definitely Baloo in The Jungle Book. He’s so happy and carefree!

8.If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

I would like to be a giraffe – to be able to see for miles around must be amazing.

9.What advice would you give to someone who is grieving for a much-loved pet?

I’m probably the worst person to ask this question. In November it will be eight years since I lost Shane. On the anniversary I don’t speak to anyone, or even want to see anyone that day. When I talk about him it brings tears to my eyes. My house is covered with his photos. I’m not sure if I’ve come to terms with losing him yet – he meant everything to me. All I can say is that everyone is different, so don’t judge yourself and don’t listen to others telling you what you ‘should’ do, or how you ‘should’ feel. Just take one day at a time.

10.When and how did you come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I came across the site by accident. At the time I felt suicidal, as no one understood how much Shane’s death affected me. I just needed to be with him and I felt that nobody understood. Then I found this community and I knew that at last, I wasn’t alone; there were other people who felt like I did. Had it not been for The Ralph Site I would not be here today – it was, and still is, a true lifeline for me.

We feature regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site; so do keep an eye out each month.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Perhaps you are considering bringing a new pet into the family? We don’t need to remind our friends in The Ralph Site community about responsible behaviour when it comes to welcoming new pets – you already know that a pet is for life, and beyond.

But please forgive us for taking this opportunity to reiterate our belief in neutering. If you are rehoming an animal in need, or your family is about to expand with the patter of tiny paws, you might like to remember that The Ralph Site, along with countless animal welfare organisations and charities, strongly recommends that you have your pet neutered as soon as possible.

Rescue centres and animal shelters are typically fully to capacity. With so many dogs, cats and other pets already looking for forever homes, it is in everybody’s interests to keep the numbers of unwanted pets as low as possible – and to adopt, not shop or breed.

There is also evidence that neutering may have some health benefits in dogs, cats and rabbits.

Both spaying (removal of the female reproductive organs) and castration (in males) are routine and straightforward procedures, and your vet will carry out hundreds of them every year. Both operations are generally done as day cases, so your beloved pet will be home with you the same day for treats and plenty of TLC. Increasing numbers of practices are now carrying out keyhole spays on their female patients; the smaller incision required means a quicker and more comfortable recovery for your little lady, as well as reducing the risk of post-operative infections.

The British Small Animal Veterinary Association recommends that as a rule, cats be neutered from four months old, and rabbits and dogs at around six months. It’s always best to discuss the options with your own vet as he/she will be able to give specific advice that’s best suited to your pet’s individual circumstances.

If the cost of the neutering procedure is an issue, you might like to know that several organisations are able to provide subsidised rates for carers wishing to neuter their pets. You can find plenty more information about such schemes, as well as a whole host of advice on the following websites:

• RSPCA
• Dogs Trust
• Cats Protection
• Mayhew offers a range of free and reduced-cost neutering initiatives for those in the London area

Some people are reluctant to neuter their pets because they believe that it causes them to gain weight. Whilst not strictly true, neutering does slow down the metabolism of many animals and therefore you may find that your pet is prone to weight gain after having the procedure. With this in mind, you may wish to consider transitioning your pet onto a food that is designed to provide the correct blend of calories and nutrients for neutered pets – the nursing team at your veterinary practice will be more than happy to advise you further here and many practices now offer free weight management clinics.
So please, don’t be neutral about neutering!

Until next time, best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the last week of every month we take a look back at the crazy creatures and amazing animals that have made the headlines in recent weeks. Here’s a reminder of what October’s headlines told us about some of the animals that share our planet:

The eyes have it

Recently published research has confirmed what everyone with a dog in their life already knows – that these clever canines produce meaningful facial expressions when communicating with their humans. Scientists studying evolutionary psychology at the University of Portsmouth have discovered that dogs produce more facial movements when people pay attention to them – showing their tongues and raising eyebrows to make their eyes appear bigger (a trait us humans are known to find ‘cute’). They conclude that whilst this is not proof that our pets develop a deep emotional connection to us, it does show that dogs are sensitive to our attention. Which anyone who has ever tried to eat a snack whilst being closely watched by a dog will fully appreciate!

Penguin population plummets

Earlier this month it was reported that a ‘catastrophic breeding event’ had occurred amongst a large colony of Adélie penguins being observed by French scientists in Antarctica. In the colony of about 18,000 breeding penguin pairs on Petrels Island, just two surviving chicks were recorded; whilst sadly thousands of starved chicks and unhatched eggs were found scattered across the island. This is the second time in four years that disaster has hit the colony, believed to be due to a localised increase in the extent of sea ice that has resulted in parents having to travel much further afield to find food. Calls have been made for the urgent establishment of a Marine Protected Area, to limit commercial fishing nearby and thus shield penguins from similar problems in future.

Big cat spotted inside Indian factory

Security guards at India’s largest car manufacturing plant in Manesar, New Delhi couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw an adult leopard captured on CCTV roaming inside the factory. It took 36 hours and 200 police and wildlife officials to track down and tranquilise the big cat in order that he could be safely removed from the building. Production was shut down and workers evacuated whilst the hunt went on. The animal was subsequently released back into the wild, none the worse for his ordeal but perhaps a little more knowledgeable about the process of car assembly?!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the latest of our series of mini interviews with friends of The Ralph Site we heard from Nichola Rose, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

I have a beautiful Maltese Shitzhu called Archie who is 23 weeks old. He is very cheeky, loves biting feet, eating and sleeping. He is white with black and brown ears and is very cute!

2.What was the name of your first pet?

The first pet who lived with me was called Oscar – an Irish Red Setter who was beautiful inside and out. He was quite a boisterous, naughty dog but he was very loving.

3.Why did you choose the name?

After Oscar we had a Maltese shitzhu all white with apricot ears, called Ozzie – partly because I had a Yorkshire terrier when I was a kid called Ozzie, and also because he was our first dog here in Australia!

4.Cats, dogs, or another species? Can you choose?! And why?

Definitely a dog for me, I’ve never shared my home with a cat and I just love dogs. I love the relationship and bond that you can form with them – they give you so much joy. I love the walks, the cuddling and looking after them like they are babies!

5.What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

My favourite memories are with my most special little dog, Ozzie. I remember having afternoon naps with him and taking him to the beach in the car he loved so much. He was my special little man! I used to call him Babiez.

6.Which three words would you choose to describe him?

Perfect, beautiful and gentle.

7.What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

Lassie. She always came to the rescue and I used to love watching the films as a child, they always made me cry.

8.If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

I’d like to be a dog in a loving home, with lots of bones and endless playtime!

9.What advice would you give to someone who is grieving for a much-loved pet?

I would say be kind to yourself, although at the time of losing a loved fur baby that is very hard to do. You are so consumed with grief it takes over your whole being. It’s one of the hardest times in life, losing that beautiful unconditional love and it leaves a massive hole in your world. Time helps you to live with the loss, but it never goes away. Always keep your pet’s memory alive and remember the funny things they used to do to make you smile.

10.When and how did you come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I first came across The Ralph Site when I lost my beautiful Ozzie in July 2017. It’s the first time I have lost a pet as an adult and it devastated my world – I cried oceans and my health deteriorated. Life changes so much and the struggle is so hard without them. Every day I think of Ozzie and I still speak to him often. I wonder what he thinks about Archie living with us now, although of course, he will always be my special babiez.
A friend told me about the website and it has really helped to have people I can chat to who are in the same position as me. Sometimes grief can be a lonely place and feeling that you are not alone is key, I think The Ralph Site helps so much to combat that loneliness.

We feature regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site; so do keep an eye out each month!

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support