Talking about pet loss grief can be hard.

In fact, in our modern society, any conversations about grief can be challenging. Even when grieving for a human loved one, bereaved individuals frequently express that there’s pressure for their grief to end (or for them to at least stop talking about it!). Conversations about grief often include phrases like “I know I should be over this by now” or “I can’t believe I’m still upset” or “I know I’m being silly but…”.

Researching this topic, there certainly seems to be a deep discomfort about talking about death and loss. Bereaved people often observe that their friends and family feel socially awkward around them or even avoid them altogether, which can add another layer to the sense of loss.

Often listeners have good intentions. They don’t want to talk about grief because they worry it will make the bereaved person feel worse. What they don’t realise is that, when you’re grieving, it would be impossible to remind you about something that’s already on your mind twenty-four hours a day.

In many ways, not talking about grief just adds to the feelings of isolation and ‘otherness’. The space to talk can be an important part of making sense of what has happened.

Talking about loss in the past or present tense affects how listeners respond

According to one article from Psychology Today, a psychologist known as Dan McAdams has observed in his research that people are often most comfortable with hearing others talk about grief when it’s in a past context with a positive outcome.

In other words, it’s much easier to discuss a bereavement when the bereaved person can put it within a framework of, “I experienced this terrible loss but I came out of the other side as a stronger person”. McAdams describes this as a ‘redemption story’.

Apparently, people find it much harder to talk about grief when it’s still seen to be present. If someone says “I’m in pain and I don’t know how I’ll ever be happy again”, most humans are far more likely to struggle to be supportive. McAdams describes a life derailed by loss as a ‘contamination story’.

This sounds like a harsh description – no-one wants to see grief as something that contaminates – but the sentiment does seem to reflect what many of us experience.

McAdams suggests that people identify more closely with ‘contamination stories’, the stories of lives being turned upside down by grief, which is what makes them so much harder to hear. In turn, finding things harder to hear makes it harder to respond appropriately.

Talking about disenfranchised grief

Some people find pet loss grief harder to talk about because it’s a type of disenfranchised grief. In other words, a grief that isn’t always fully or even partly acknowledged by society.

Although there can be some wonderfully understanding individuals in the world, many people simply don’t understand pet bereavement. They believe that it’s part and parcel of caring for an animal.

And, of course, it is. We all know that our pets will probably die long before us. We take the risk of the pain of future loss in exchange for the joy we experience during our pets’ lifetimes. But knowing bereavement is inevitable eventually doesn’t make it less painful.

So what can you do if you’re finding it hard to talk about your pet loss? Or, worse yet, if you’re struggling to find someone who will listen? We’ve put together a few ideas:

1. Accept that you are grieving – we often feel we should rush through grief but the truth is that it’s an appropriate response to losing someone you love.
2. Recognise that people find it hard to know what to say in the face of grief – it’s not that people are uncaring, they may just not know how to support you.
3. Be prepared to ask for what you need – you can help people overcome point two above by stating what would help you. Just saying, “I don’t need you to fix anything, I just need to talk” can take the pressure off.
4. Feel all of your feelings – before they experience grief, people often think of it as a long period of sadness. In fact, grief contains so much more: sadness, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, anger, happiness, hope… all emotions have a place. In a stunningly honest interview, actor Rob Delaney described the fact that the rainbow of his emotions remains as varied as it was before but his grief for his two-year-old son has added a band of black.
5. Tell your friends that you appreciate their support – your loved ones may feel like they don’t know what to do or say for the best. Let them know that they’re helping just by listening.
6. Choose your audience – there may be people in your social circle who aren’t able to offer the support that you need right now. It’s OK to choose who you speak to about your grief.
7. Seek help from dedicated grief support services – you may find it helpful to talk to fellow bereaved pet carers or pet bereavement counsellors. Both can provide a non-judgmental source of support from people who understand the depth of your loss. The Blue Cross pet bereavement helpline and The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group are both there for you.

Learning how to talk about pet loss grief

There’s no doubt that how we talk about grief is influenced by our cultures, our societies, our peer groups, our families and our personal experiences. As well, of course, as our relationship with the person, animal or thing (e.g. job) we’ve lost.

In many ways, the rituals surrounding human death serve the purpose of providing a roadmap for how to behave that isn’t dependent on language or even emotions. There’s a death certificate to complete, a funeral to plan, clothes to pick out for the deceased, a wake to attend and so on.

When a pet dies or goes missing, the rituals aren’t as clear, the steps not as ingrained in society. This means we have to find our own way forward in the face of loss. Without the framework of rituals, talking about grief takes on a new challenge.

Hopefully, the tips above will help.

Your grief is yours to talk about as much or as little as you need. Even if other members of your household are sharing the same loss, you will probably each talk about grief differently.

As ever, there is no right or wrong.

And if you do want to talk about your pet loss grief with other bereaved pet carers, know that The Ralph Site is here for you.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In recent times, there have been a number of conversations in The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group about how the coronavirus and the need for physical distancing and isolation are making pet loss grief even harder to deal with.  These worries are likely to increase while the UK and other parts of the world are in lockdown.

As you know, grief is isolating even in normal circumstances but it may be even more so now without hugs and physical reassurance from anyone outside of your immediate household. Naturally, this is even more distressing if you live alone.

If you’re affected in any way, the first thing to know is that we’re here for you. In this article, we’re going to explore ways that you can still access support and comfort, despite being physically distanced from your usual network of friends and family.

1. Reach out for online support

Grief counsellors often recommend that mourners reach out for support, especially from face-to-face support groups. During this current coronavirus pandemic, physical group gatherings are no longer advisable. In fact, if you live in a part of the world that is in lockdown, all such groups will be closed for the foreseeable future.

Thankfully, virtual support groups are still available. The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook is one such group, a community of bereaved pet carers who listen to and support one another at all times. Pet bereavement helpline services are still available – the Blue Cross helpline is a good starting point for phone and email support.

2. Stay connected

Neither physical distancing nor self-isolation mean that you have to be socially disengaged. Our relationships are more important than ever in these uncertain times, so pick up the phone, send an email or even write a letter to your loved ones.

In some ways, these methods of communication carve out the space to talk one-to-one in a way that isn’t always possible during our usually busy lives.

3. Practice self-care

Mental health organisations are understandably warning that physical distancing and isolation during the coronavirus outbreak is likely to have an impact on many people’s mental health.

It’s incredibly important that you find ways to practice self-care, more so because you are grieving and may already feel fragile.

Self-care looks different to everyone and is about more than just having a relaxing bath or reading a book. It’s essentially anything you do to refuel and protect your physical, mental and emotional health.

This might be staying in touch with your friends and family, even if you can’t see them, or making a meal plan to ensure that you eat as healthily as possible. It could be limiting the amount of news you watch or making sure that you exercise at least once a day.

4. Find moments of joy

It can be tough to find moments of joy in life when you’re grieving but even small moments each day can make physical distancing easier to manage.

Is there anything that has happened today that made you smile?

It might have been birds singing in the garden or the sun shining through your window. Perhaps it was listening to Patrick Stewart reading a daily sonnet on social media or using the enforced time at home to do a virtual tour of one of the world’s famous museums. Whatever you find joyful, now is the time to tap into it. And please don’t feel guilty for doing so – your pet wouldn’t want you to be unhappy.

5. Talk to your pet

One of the most difficult things about physical distancing is knowing that it would have been easier with your pet by your side. Whatever species, they would have been a constant and calming companion during these uncertain times.

Even though your pet isn’t physically with you any more, why not talk to them anyway? Tell them what is happening in the world and how it makes you feel, tell them that you love them or talk about your memories of happy times. If you feel self-conscious talking to your pet, how about writing them a letter?

6. Volunteer

For older people and those in at-risk groups who’ve been advised to self-isolate for 12 weeks, looking after their pets – especially dogs – may be a pressing concern. The Cinnamon Trust recently mentioned on their Facebook page that they are looking for emergency volunteers to help walk dogs or pick up food and medical supplies on behalf of pet carers who are in high-risk categories.

Is this something you could help with? Have you thought about volunteering as a way to keep animals in your life and do something positive during this tough time? Many rescues are desperate for fosterers right now. From dogs and cats to bird, rabbits and guinea pigs, there’s an animal looking for a safe space to call home, even temporarily.

7. Offer support too

It’s probably fair to say that even those people who haven’t suffered a bereavement are grieving at the moment. In some way, we all stand to lose aspects of our normal lives, although things will hopefully return to normal eventually.

In a strange twist of fate, those of us who were already grieving may be better placed to move through this surreal reality we find ourselves in. You will already have a deep understanding of how grief can make you feel; this means you can be instrumental in spreading much-needed kindness and empathy to those who are struggling.

And maybe too, other people will gain new insight into your pet loss grief too.

Maybe in their own grief for lost normality, they will recognise how the loss of a loved pet, a comforting presence and the routine that goes with caring for them, can cut so very deep.

Perhaps that could be one of the good things that comes from the coronavirus? More empathy, more patience, more support.

Whatever the future holds, we’ll remind you once again that you are not alone right now. Reach out to The Ralph Site. There is a whole community there for you.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

We’ve talked in the past about how guilt is often something we feel after a pet dies or goes missing. It may be an emotion you’re experiencing yourself, which is what’s brought you to this site.

However, are you sure that you’re experiencing guilt and not regret? The two emotions are often talked about as though they’re interchangeable but there are actually some subtle but important distinctions that can affect how you process your grief and begin healing.

Guilt vs. regret: What’s the difference?

Look in various dictionaries and you’ll find a range of definitions for guilt and regret.

Broadly speaking though, guilt is defined as ‘the fact of having done something wrong or committed a crime’ or ‘a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person’.

Regret, on the other hand, is defined as ‘a feeling of sadness about something sad or wrong or about a mistake that you have made, and a wish that it could have been different and better’. Another definition is ‘to feel sorry or unhappy about something you did or were unable to do’.

The distinction between the two feelings comes down to intent.

Guilt is the feeling that comes from consciously choosing to do something that is morally wrong and knowing at the time that it could potentially cause harm.

Regret, however, is about wishing you could change things retrospectively but not knowing that something was wrong or could result in a mistake at the time.

Guilt or regret? Does it really matter?

There is an argument that, as guilt and regret can both make you feel awful after pet loss, the differences between the two emotions don’t really matter.

Our brains can trick us into feeling guilty even when what we’re really experiencing is regret, so sometimes it’s hard to recognise the emotions for what they really are. As difficult as it is, it’s worth spending some time reflecting on whether you feel guilt or regret. It could give you valuable insights into how you can move forward in your grief.

Guilt requires forgiveness

Ask yourself whether you intended to cause your pet harm?

The fact that you’re on a website aimed at pet loss grief suggests that you’re probably someone who cares a great deal for their animal companions. It would be hard to imagine such a person deliberately going out of their way to hurt their loved one.

But if there is something you did that you genuinely feel guilty about, there are steps you can take to come to terms with your feelings:

• Accept responsibility for your actions
• Take steps to make amends, if possible – even writing a letter to your deceased pet can help
• Explore what you have learned and how you have grown since your pet passed
• Decide to let go of your feelings of anger, resentment or your desire for retribution, whether these feelings are aimed at you or someone else
• Allow yourself to feel remorse
• Commit to not repeating the same behaviours again
• Offer yourself forgiveness

Self-forgiveness is not about ignoring your grief or the reason for your guilt. Instead, it requires you to accept what happened and to show compassion towards yourself. Guilt comes from knowing that something you did wasn’t morally aligned with your values. But the fact that you feel guilt shows that you care.

Recognising regret

As a loving pet carer, it’s much more likely that you need to make peace with regret rather than berating yourself with guilt.

In fact, there’s probably not a person alive who doesn’t feel some form of regret following a bereavement.

Decisions we made, signals we didn’t pick up on, time we didn’t find can all haunt our thoughts.

Again, ask yourself that important question – did I ever intend to cause my pet harm?

Even in the most tragic of circumstances, the chances are that you never intended anything bad to happen to your pet.

Perhaps you left the garden gate open and your cat escaped into the path of a moving car. Maybe you took your dog for a walk and they were fatally injured playing with a stick. Or perhaps your hamster wriggled out of your hands as you were lifting them out of their cage and died as a result of the fall.

In each of these scenarios, you would only have had good intentions for your pet – to let them play in the garden, to enjoy their daily exercise, to experience a loving cuddle. You could never have known that your pet would die.

Sadly, accidents happen. As humans, we make mistakes. We don’t have the ability to see into the future. Sometimes different events collide to create a catastrophe, whereas they would have been harmless in isolation (a stranger driving their car, a stick laying on a forest floor). Regret is about wishing we could change things, even though we know it’s not possible.

Regrets after bereavement

Unfortunately, regrets that come about because of the death of a loved one are probably the hardest to come to terms with.

There’s no way to explain our regrets, do and not do things differently, or make amends because the opportunity has gone.

In this situation, the only option may be to make peace with yourself:

• Acknowledge your regrets
• Accept your limitations – as a human, you are destined to make mistakes
• Reframe your loss by looking at what you can learn from it – what has your pet taught you? What would you want to do differently in the future?
• Express forgiveness

Recognise that you only have regrets because you love your pet so much and that the beauty of that love will continue.

Euthanasia – where guilt and regret meet

Euthanasia is something that causes many pet carers a huge amount of regret and guilt, with the two emotions often overlapping.

It’s a decision that we know will result in our pet’s death and, therefore, it feels like we’re complicit in causing harm.

But, again, it’s important to think about your intentions.

The reality is that you’re complicit in ending harm, not causing it.

You would have agreed to euthanasia because your pet was suffering in some way. Your intention was to end their pain and give them peace. It’s natural to regret that you have had to make this decision but, hopefully, with time, you will be able to absolve yourself of guilt. You only ever had your pet’s best interests at heart.

Only you can let go of guilt

People often go to great lengths to tell someone who’s grieving that they shouldn’t feel guilty. Your loved ones won’t want you to feel bad and, in most cases, guilt is truly misplaced.

But guilt or regret, you can’t help how you feel.

An article telling you not to feel guilty won’t make your guilt vanish in an instant.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is sit with your emotions and acknowledge them. The distinctions between regret and guilt outlined in this blog may help you to find a way to grow beyond your grief, but it’s okay if they don’t.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, only your way.

Just know that you’re not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Whether a precious pet has just died or you have a terminally ill or elderly pet that you know is coming to the end of their life, you may be thinking about aftercare options for their body or planning a memorial. We’ve put together a list of dos and don’ts that should help you make some decisions at this difficult time:

Pet memorial dos

1. DO explore the different options for your pet’s memorial and aftercare

None of us wants to think about the day when a beloved pet isn’t with us anymore. Sadly, if that day has already happened for you or you know it’s fast approaching then there will be decisions to make.

What would you like to do with your loved one’s body? Would you like them to be cremated or is there a suitable place for a burial?

In the UK, it is legal to bury a deceased pet in your garden if you own the property. However, it’s illegal in the garden of a rented property or a public space. An alternative option is burial in a pet cemetery or cremation, after which you can choose what to do with your pet’s ashes.

2. DO plan ahead if you can

It isn’t always possible to know when a pet’s life is about to come to an end. However, because most animals have a much shorter lifespan than us humans, the reality is that we will face end of life and aftercare decisions for our pets at some point in the future.

Knowing this, it’s a good idea to plan ahead as much as possible. Explore aftercare options in advance and make a note of what you would prefer to happen when your pet dies. Although it’s a tough thing to think about, planning in advance can help you navigate important decisions when you’re grieving.

3. DO give yourself time with your deceased pet if you want or need it

It’s okay to take some time with your deceased pet if you want or need it. Many of us take comfort from spending some time saying goodbye.

A good vet, either in their practice or performing euthanasia in your home, will offer you a chance to spend some time alone with your pet.

If your pet dies at home, you can decide to keep their body for twenty-four hours before arranging for them to be collected by a representative from your veterinary surgery or the local pet crematorium, or before carrying out a burial at home. If you do decide to keep your pet’s body overnight, it’s important to place them somewhere cool. Also, do be aware that rigor mortis – the stiffening of the joints after death – will set in after three to four hours.

4. DO ask the rest of your pet’s immediate family what they would like to do

If there are other family members living in your household then try to talk to them about all of the issues above while your pet is alive and well. It will help if you all feel like your wishes are being respected and that you’re all comfortable with aftercare decisions being made for your pet.

5. DO recognise that your other pets may grieve

If you have other pets in your home that spent a lot of time with your deceased companion then you may find that their behaviour changes as they come to terms with their loss. It’s widely accepted that many animals are capable of grief and it’s often present in a multi-pet household. Just like you, your grieving pet needs time to adjust to life without their friend. You may notice that they’re subdued or they want to eat less, for example. Naturally, if you’re at all concerned about your remaining pets and any aspect of their behaviour, it’s always advisable to get them checked over by a vet.

6. DO allow yourself to feel all of your emotions

There is a growing acceptance that losing a pet can be as devastating as losing a human friend or family member. Those of us who love animals have sadly lived the truth of this.

Unfortunately, though, many people still feel that they can’t talk about their bereavement or openly show their grief.

As we’ve explored in past articles, bottling up your feelings can lead to incomplete grief.

Do try to allow your different emotions space to exist – it’s natural to feel sad, angry, guilty and much more. It’s also natural to have happy moments. If you don’t feel able to talk about your loss with your friends and family, you could speak to a pet bereavement support service or chat to other bereaved pet carers in The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook.

7. DO encourage your children to grieve

If you have children, it’s important that they know that it’s OK to grieve for their much-loved pet. Encourage them to express their feelings, talk about your pet and create their own memorial.

It’s helpful if you can be open and honest about your own feelings as this will show your children that it’s natural to feel a whole host of emotions. Of course, their grief may look different from yours. The best thing to remember and to share with them is that there is no right or wrong way to feel.

8. DO keep your pet’s memory alive

It will probably be hard to think about the happy times with your pet for some time ahead.

Many people in The Ralph Site’s Facebook group talk about constantly reliving how their pet died and finding it hard to remember the good times. You might try not to think about your pet because it makes you too upset.

We promise you that there will be space in your memories for the happy times one day. Most of us reach a point where our pet’s life becomes bigger and more vivid than the moment of their death. It takes time though. A memorial such as a scrapbook, photo album or memory box is a powerful way to keep your pet’s memory alive.

9. DO give yourself time to grieve

Grief doesn’t have a set timeline. For many of us, it never fully goes away, although it does change over time. There are many analogies that help to explain this change.

The important thing is that you don’t put pressure on yourself to stop grieving. Equally, you needn’t berate yourself if the worst of your grief passes quicker than you expected.

Everyone is different. The most important thing is that you allow yourself to mourn your pet. You love them and they were your family – it’s natural to grieve their absence.

10. DO personalise how you memorialise your pet

Your pet had their own unique and wonderful personality that makes them wholly irreplaceable. A great way to honour this is to choose a memorial that has personal meaning and that reflects your pet’s character. There is now an incredible range of urns and caskets for pet’s ashes. You can also choose beautiful plaques, stones, grave markers and headstones. Alternatively, some people memorialise their pet with cremation jewellery, paintings, stuffed toys that look like their pet, plants and much more.

Pet memorial don’ts

1. DON’T assume your pet will have to go to the vet for euthanasia

If the circumstances allow, it may be possible for your pet to spend their final moments in the comfort and security of their own home.

Many vets are willing to perform euthanasia in an animal’s home environment. This is especially desirable if you have an anxious pet who hates visiting the vet. If is this is something you might want to happen when the time comes, it’s worth asking your vet about it in advance.

2. DON’T feel pressure to memorialise your pet in a certain way

It is entirely up to you how you memorialise your pet, even if your friends or family have uninvited opinions about the costs or your choice. Sadly, people will often say things like, “I can’t believe you’re going to pay for a cat/rabbit/guinea pig to be cremated! Why not bury him/her in the garden?” You don’t need to justify what gives you comfort.

3. DON’T bury your companion in a shallow grave

As we’ve mentioned above, it is legal to bury a deceased pet in your garden if you own the property and it’s the home your pet lived in.

The only exception is if your pet’s remains are deemed to be ‘hazardous to human health’. However, it’s fairly unclear what would be considered hazardous so if your vet does refuse to release your pet’s remains, you should ask for a written explanation before making any decisions.

Once you’ve found a suitable plot in your garden, you should aim to have at least two feet of earth above your pet in heavy soil and three feet in light soil. It’s also recommended that you cover your pet’s plot with a plant pot or some other item that can’t be easily moved. This will save you from the distress of seeing your pet’s plot disturbed by local wildlife.

4. DON’T use things like Chinese lanterns or balloons to mark your pet’s passing

As stunning and poignant as a sky full of Chinese lanterns or balloons can look, they pose a significant threat to wildlife, both on land and in the sea. An eco-friendly alternative would be to blow bubbles into the air or to release a handful of leaves on the breeze, symbolising your pet’s passing from this life.

5. DON’T feel that you’re alone in your grief

Forty per cent of households in the UK include a least one pet. That’s 40% of homes where the inhabitants will face pet loss at some point in the future if they haven’t experienced it already. You are not alone in your grief.

More than 42,000 people have connected with The Ralph Site’s Facebook page and more than 4,000 are members of the private Facebook group. This is a beautiful community of people who understand just how devastating it is to lose a pet.

Although no-one can ever step into the unique individuals and circumstances of your loss, they can sympathise and empathise with your feelings. Please reach out if you need support.

You are not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

The Ralph Site was created to offer bereaved pet carers a safe space where they could talk about their lost pet whenever and as often as needed. Our lovely community is united by the shared experience of grief, making it full of people who ‘get’ what it’s like to say goodbye to a beloved animal companion.

One of the things that make the community so special is that no-one attempts to minimise the loss each member has experienced.

Sadly, in the wider world, this isn’t always the experience of bereaved pet carers.

While our friends and family mean well, we can often feel like they are minimising our grief.

This can be deeply hurtful and lonely. If you’ve come to The Ralph Site today because you want to know how to support a friend or family member who’s grieving a much-loved pet, please remember these seven things that grieving pet carers wish you wouldn’t say:

1. “He/she was just a dog/cat/horse/rabbit/budgie*” (*insert as applicable)

Most bereaved pet carers have this supposed gem of ‘comfort’ offered to them at some point after their pet dies.

But this one sentence can have a hugely negative impact on the grieving person.

What is says is that there’s a hierarchy for grief and that the loss shouldn’t be as painful because they have lost a non-human companion and not a person.

This statement assumes the pet’s importance, the word ‘just’ minimising the animal’s significance in their own right. It also downplays the relationship between the carer and their pet.

The truth is that when someone has lost anything they love – be it a person, a pet, a job, a dream for the future – it’s not our job to say whether or not their pain is valid.

Nothing is comforting about this sentence. Your intention might be to reduce the person’s grief but that isn’t possible.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“I know how much he/she meant to you and I’m sorry for your loss”.

2. “When are you going to get another one?”

People often ask bereaved pet carers this question or a variation on the theme like, “Well, at least you can get another one”.

The implication here is that one animal is interchangeable with another – they don’t even have to be the same species!

But it’s a bit like asking someone if they plan to replace a lost sock as if the pet is a generic item that you can pick up in the local shop. Or as if the person is grieving what they have lost (i.e. the type of animal) rather than who they have lost (i.e. the personality of their loved one).

To someone who is grieving their pet, this question is as horrific as saying to a bereaved parent, “So, are you planning a new baby straight away then?”

If you’ve never had the kind of human/animal bond that leaves you heartbroken when the pet dies or goes missing then, of course, it can be hard to understand the nuances of that relationship.

Yes, the person may decide to get another pet at some point, but it will never be a replacement for the one they’ve lost. Each pet has a unique personality, quirks, likes and dislikes. They are no more replaceable than you are.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“He/she was such a character. I will always remember when…”

3. “It’s not like losing a child/parent/sibling/friend*” (*again, insert as applicable)

This is another statement that people often believe will help a bereaved pet carer by putting their loss into perspective.

It’s a way of saying, “Things could be worse”.

But, again, this makes assumptions about the hierarchy of grief – i.e. that some losses are more legitimate than others – and about the relationship the person shared with their pet.

Who’s to say that things could be worse for the person who’s grieving?

Do any of us have the right to tell someone else how much grief is appropriate?

While we each have our own beliefs and expectations around grief, these are very much rooted in our individual experiences. But everyone’s perspectives are different. It’s not fair to compare.

Research shows time and again that losing a pet can be as hard, and sometimes even harder than losing a friend or relative.

People will often say that they grieved more for their pet than for one of their parents or when a sibling died. Other people see their pets as very much fulfilling the role of a child within the family dynamic.

Pets offer unconditional love and non-judgmental presence – no wonder we miss them so much.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“I can see how sad you are and I’m sorry for your loss”.

4. “He/she was really old anyway.”

A sad truth of life is that most companion animals have much shorter life spans than their human companions. When we bring an animal into our home, it’s with the knowledge that – in most cases – we will outlive them.

So, in that respect, pet bereavement is never fully unexpected.

People will often try to comfort a bereaved pet carer by saying, “But he/she was really old anyway”.

The intention is kind. It’s a way of saying, “They lived a good, long life”. And in some ways, maybe it is a comfort to know that a pet has lived for many happy years and has died with no questions left about what their life could have been.

But that doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“I know you had XX years together, but I also know that forever wouldn’t have been long enough.”

5. “Are you really going to spend money on a cremation/memorial/casket?”

When a pet dies, you may assume that they will be buried in their family’s garden. This was often what happened by default in the past unless the pet was a larger dog or horse.

However, times have changed.

An increasing number of people choose to have their pet cremated and then keep their ashes in a beautiful urn.

There are lots of reasons for this – not everyone has a garden or plot of land suitable for a burial; people move more often than before, or perhaps they prefer the thought of cremation.

Disposing of an animal’s physical remains can be a surprisingly costly business but, for many pet carers, it’s also an important rite, a way to say goodbye that we take for granted when a human passes.

While you may see pet cremation in terms of its monetary costs, the value to your bereaved loved one is knowing that their pet has been cared for and well-treated even after death.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“What a beautiful memorial and a way to honour your friend.”

6. “You’re not still upset, are you?”

Sadly, many pet carers are asked this question or a variation like, “Aren’t you over it yet?”

Something we emphasise at The Ralph Site is that grief doesn’t have a set timeline or expiry date. It’s not something you get over or close the book on.

Grief is a process, a journey with lots of highs and lows, U-turns and diversions. And everyone experiences in their own time.

When you care for someone who’s grieving, it’s natural to want to see them come to a point at which they’re free from pain. But grief isn’t something you can fast forward to completion.

Asking someone why they’re still upset or telling them they should be over their loss can be hurtful. It suggests that how the way they feel isn’t normal or that it’s too indulgent.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“Take all the time you need. I’m here for you if you want to talk. Is there anything you would like to do to commemorate him/her?”

7. “Let me know what I can do.”

Although this is a lovely sentiment, the truth is that people rarely follow-up on a vague offer of help. This is especially the case with pet bereavement as people often feel that they shouldn’t make a ‘fuss’ or that they should be able to carry on as normal.

Also, this kind of offer is just so open-ended that people don’t want to take liberties by asking too much.

But the reality is that when someone is grieving, they may need practical help while they learn to adjust to life without their pet. If you can offer support, it will be appreciated.

What grieving pet carers would like you to say instead:

“Let me pop some meals round later or pick the kids up from school as I know you probably don’t feel up to that at the moment.”

Finding the right words

Bereavement is a tough topic for many of us to talk about, especially when the departed loved one is a pet.

We won’t always get it right.

It’s natural to want to make a loved one’s grief smaller or to hope that you can take it away altogether. Sadly, that isn’t possible.

When supporting someone who is grieving, the most helpful thing that any of us can do is to listen unconditionally.

And, please, remind your loved one that they’re not alone.

Very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support