Have you come to this site because you’re grieving what others might refer to as an ‘unusual’ or ‘exotic’ pet such as a snake, lizard, tortoise or tarantula as just a few examples?

You might feel that no-one understands your pain and the loss you have experienced.

Animals come in all shapes and sizes, just like the humans who care for them. Regardless of their species, when they die, any animal can leave a huge hole and a tremendous amount of grief.

We want you to know that we’re here for you. The pet loss advice throughout the site applies to any animal and their humans.

We are truly sorry for your loss.

Caring for an ‘unconventional’ pet

When researching this blog, we read through forums for people who are passionate about caring for reptiles, fish, spiders and many other animals. One of the most striking things was that there were so many posts from people saying, “I’m scared you’re going to laugh at me but I’m in so much pain after losing my snake (for example) and no-one seems to understand”.

It seems that exotic pet carers can feel even more invisible and disenfranchised in their grief than people who lose more ‘conventional’ pets such as dogs or cats.

But the pain is just as real and valid.

On one forum, someone had recently lost their favourite snake. They simply couldn’t come to terms with how such a beautiful animal, their pride and joy, was no longer in the world. They had spent years learning about and caring for snakes but this most recent loss had completely floored them.

The grief of this particular person leapt out of the screen. They wanted to share photos, talk about their snake’s wonderful quirks and mourn their loss but they didn’t know who would understand.

Thankfully, many people on this particular forum had responded with empathy and understanding.

Find people who understand

Sadly, some people will never understand how we can grieve for what they see as an ‘unusual’ pet. 

Animals such as snakes, spiders, scorpions, birds or rats, for example, are often the focus of phobias, so there will always be those who struggle to see how these animals can elicit feelings of love.

But your experience is different. You know the joy of caring for one or more of these animals.

Be reassured that your tribe is out there – people who understand your loss, who know the care you took over your pet and how they shaped the patterns of your life. 

Pop into The Ralph Site’s Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook and you’ll be able to find some kindred spirits who have experienced their own losses and can offer you support at this difficult time.

Coping with pet loss grief

There are many articles on The Ralph Site blog dedicated to helping you cope with pet loss grief and the different emotions you may be experiencing. We’d like to share some of the key advice here:

1. Feel your feelings

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. People often feel embarrassed about grieving for an animal but the reality is that grief happens whenever we lose someone or something that we love from our life. You are entitled to feel your loss and all of the feelings that go with it. 

Instead of fighting how you feel or believing that you need to bottle up your grief, try to give your feelings space to exist.

2. Grief has no timeframe

In The Ralph Site support group, people often say, “I know I should be feeling better by now” as if there is a time limit on grief. This really isn’t the case. No-one else gets to say when you are ‘done’ grieving. In fact, most people find that they always carry their grief to a certain extent – it’s just that it changes shape and becomes easier to live with eventually.

3. Acknowledge what you have lost

As pet carers, our pets shape our lives. Perhaps your living room is organised around a vivarium or your usual daily routine is built around feeding or handling your pet. Maybe you’ve made friends with people who are interested in the same kind of pets or you’re an active member of forums dedicated to pet care.

When a pet dies, it’s not just them that we lose but the routines and even the relationships that we embraced because of that pet. Naturally, this adds another level to your grief and it’s important to acknowledge that.

4. Practice self-care

When you’re grieving, it can be hard to find the energy for self-care. Put a little time aside each day to eat something nutritious or to get moving. Spend time with your other pets, if you have them – caring for them and maintaining their routines is important and will hopefully help you feel better in the darkest moments.

Many people find it helpful to memorialise the pet who has died or to journal their grief. If you’re a creative person, how about making a tribute to your so-called ‘unusual’ pet?

Again, there is no right or wrong – only what feels right for you.

5. Reach out for support

There seems to be a growing understanding in our society that pet loss grief can affect us as deeply as grief for our human loved ones. Do talk to your friends and family about how you’re feeling, if you are able. 

Sometimes though, it helps to talk to other bereaved pet carers, which is why The Ralph Site exists. We’ve already mentioned our Facebook support group – please do check it out. 

You might also find it helpful to talk to a pet bereavement counsellor or the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Service. 

Conclusion

Yes, some people may describe your pet as ‘unusual’, ‘exotic’ or ‘unconventional’ but who’s to say what’s unusual, really? Whatever their species, your pet was part of your family, your life and the security of being at home. It’s little wonder that you miss them.

And remember that grief is grief, whatever its cause. It can be incredibly hard to process what has happened when the rest of the world seems to be carrying on, oblivious. Just know that there are people who understand. 

You are not alone.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Within the worst moments of pet loss grief, it can be hard to imagine that you’ll ever function ‘normally’ again. You feel exhausted, stuck and overwhelmed. You can’t think clearly and sometimes wonder how you can go on as you’re in so much pain.

One of the most challenging things about grief of any kind is that it isn’t linear. The feeling of being overwhelmed can hit you like a crashing wave weeks, months or even years after your loss. 

So, how can you cope when you’re overwhelmed and drowning in grief? We’ve put together some tips.

Tips for coping when grief overwhelms you

1. Acknowledge that you’re grieving

It might sound obvious but the reason you feel the way you do is because you are grieving. You have lost someone truly special and now carry the burden of their absence. 

The question is, have you allowed yourself to acknowledge this or have you been trying to carry on as ‘normal’ (whatever that may be to you)?

Grief isn’t always something we cope with well as a society. We know death happens but we don’t really know how to talk about it.

With a disenfranchised grief like pet loss, it can be even harder to talk about what and who we’ve lost or to find support and sympathy. People just don’t understand how heart-breaking pet loss can be unless they’ve personally experienced it.

As a result, you may feel that you have to keep the true extent of your pet loss grief to yourself or that you’re alone.

One of the first steps towards coping with overwhelm is acknowledging the presence of grief.

2. Feel your feelings, whatever they may be

Grief is complex and ever-changing. You might be feeling lonely, sad, bereft, angry, guilty or anxious – or some combination of the above – at any given moment. No wonder you feel overwhelmed!

Although your instincts are probably to keep busy and move through your grief as quickly as possible, this response usually has the opposite effect, keeping you stuck in the moment of your loss for longer.

The truth is that the only way to cope with grief is to experience it in all of its forms. 

This means letting your feelings come and go without judgement or resistance. There is no right or wrong way to grieve but try to touch your feelings and give them space to exist. As scary as this sounds, you can only move through grief by making contact with it.

3. Find safe spaces

It can be helpful to earmark some safe spaces that you can go to when you’re feeling overwhelmed. This will look different to everyone but here are some potential safe spaces:

• A warm bath or shower where you want somewhere private to cry
• Parking your car in an empty car park on the local industrial estate when you want to scream at the top of your lungs to release your anger
• A friend or family member you can call or speak to for comfort
• Your favourite hill, beach or park when you want space to think

And don’t forget virtual spaces too. The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook is a safe space to talk about your grief.

4. Trust that nothing lasts forever

As hard as it can be to believe it, the reality is that even the toughest, darkest of moments lived in grief will eventually pass or change shape in some way. 

Trust is so important right now. Trust that you will eventually find a way back to yourself beyond these feelings of being overwhelmed. Yes, you may always carry your grief with you but, when it’s allowed space to be expressed, most people find it eventually softens and becomes easier to carry. 

5. Be kind to yourself

What you’re feeling is natural, normal and completely understandable. Your grief exists because it’s a part of love. You need time to adjust to your loss. This takes a lot of emotional energy, which is why everyday life can feel so daunting when you’re mourning a pet. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, try to pinpoint one small thing that you can do right now to take care of yourself. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing. 

Could you sit with a cuppa somewhere peaceful or read a passage from your favourite book? Is there someone you could call for a chat or even send a text saying hi?

Maybe you need to go even smaller. Can you close your eyes, take a deep breath and release it slowly?

It’s amazing how small actions can help you to cope with overwhelm, even if it’s just standing up for a few moments, walking five paces and then sitting down again to bring your mind back to the here and now.

Accessing support

If you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s important that you reach out for support if you feel able. Just knowing someone is there for you can help to lighten the burden of grief or at least to reshape it into something more manageable.

There are a growing number of dedicated pet bereavement counsellors who understand the impact of pet loss. You may also find the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Service helpful. Of course, The Ralph Site is here for you too.

Always know that you’re not alone. Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support