My sweet buddy Bovine passed may 13, 2024 after almost …

Comment on “Who am I now?” Loss of identity after pet bereavement by In loving memory of the mini cow.

My sweet buddy Bovine passed may 13, 2024 after almost 18 lovely years with him. Similar story re: brain lesion and having partial seizures throughout day. He had been diagnosed with idiopathic vestibular disease 5 days before after a vestibular event and 1 night in hospital so I was hopeful since that can have full recovery. Due to his age, they couldn’t do mri to check for lesions or anything in brain – it was a diagnosis of exclusion. He seemed to improve, until he didnt. Turns out, 5 days later, it was likely cancer/lesion, even then, that caused the vestibular event. I decided upon consultation with emergancy vet to euthanize even before anti-seizure administered – I could not stand to have him ‘awake’ to what was going on and suffer any longer. I regret that decision and question it to this day. He did pass in my arms with the assistance of euthanasia and I did feel like I had a moment of clarity with him where he gave goodbye kisses and we could say goodbye and I told him he could let go and I love him and would miss him so much and that i woukd not know how to get by without him but needed to end his suffering. The vet said it was the compassionate thing to do but why do I not feel like it. I don’t think that I’ll ever be happy again because bovine seemed to be my only source of true happiness and purpose. Anyways, day by day I guess. I do get signs from him often (never have seen so many robins in my life this last 1+ month and at such a close distance). I leave myself open to those signs and ask for them and he does not disappoint – so there’s that at least- it does bring some comfort. Writing like this helps some. There was a big heart that appeared on the ceiling from a normal cylindrical candle i light for him every night from the flame. Feels like I’ll never forgive myself for the decisions I made on that fateful day and I should have given him more of a chance to fight. Love you Bo and I miss you so much. Please keep on sending me signs.