Comment on Pet loss and self-forgiveness by Anonymous.
In 2017 I lost my dog Jacob. He was hit by a car right in front of me just a couple days before christmas, when i was about 9. I had one of my closest friends at the time over. Me, her, my brother, and her brother went out sledding. At the time i never did anything without jacob so i brought him out with me and we had fun. After a while my brother told me to bring him inside and i was like “no he’s fine out here with us” so i ignored my brother and kept jacob outside with us. I would go down the hill and he would chase behind me. I was sitting at the top of the hill talking with my friend sitting on our sleds and my brother and her brother were sitting at the bottom. I didn’t notice that there was a car coming and when i did i started yelling for jacob as he was running towards the road saying “jacob, bad dog, get back here” and then the car hit him as he was a small dog and was compeltely white so he couldn’t see him. I cant believe the last words i said to him were yelling at him and telling him he was a bad dog because he wasn’t listening to me. I remember hearing the thud and hoping he was okay and i stood up and looked and there was blood all over and i remember seeing one of his bones sticking out of his mouth. I cried so hard and immediately ran inside to call my moms work phone and tell her what had happened. I was crying so hard and i watched out the window as my neighbor had to bring my dogs dead body down and out of the way of traffic as we live on a very busy road. I also remember my brother telling me that it was all my fault that he got hit because he told me to bring him inside and i wouldn’t listen to him because i was stubborn. I was a complete mess for a while but i always tried to keep those feelings in, and about two years ago i was at the doctor and I hadn’t been sleeping well and i had been crying a lot as i just kept thinking about jacob so when i took one of those depression tests i had put that i hadn’t been sleeping much and that I had been crying quite a bit. My mom and doctor saw it and asked what i had been crying about and I told them and I just started bawling my eyes out. My mom had me go talk to this pastor about it and i was crying the whole time. After a while o thought i had finally gotten over it but every single time someone mentions it it hurts so bad or when i’m alone at night just up thinking I think about it and I just keep crying and crying, like tonight. I thought i would stop crying now but I just feel so much guilt. I was the one that brought him outside and I was the one that wouldn’t put him back inside when my brother told me to. He was my best friend and i was supposed to protect him like he would protect me and I didn’t. It’s so hard to believe when my mom used to tell me it wasn’t my fault because deep down I feel like everyone blames me. A few days after i always ended having nightmare after nightmare about him getting hit and me not being able to do anything about it, i just had to sit and watch. I still have some nightmares where i have him back or i have a chance to get him back by doing something but at the end of the dream it always ends up with me losing him somehow, mainly him getting hit by a car. I wish i could take every single thing about that day back if i could. I wish i would’ve listened to my brother when he told me to bring him inside. I think this guilt will follow me around forever, because almost 6 years later i’m bawling my eyes out about it. I just hope he wasn’t suffering when he died, and I gave him a happy and full and loving life.