Comment on Pet loss and self-forgiveness by CMMG.

I’ve read through these comments, but I think I’m really truly guilty. 3 days ago I went out to check my mail & left my 4 month old puppy in the house bc I was driving to the mailbox. It was so hot in my car I figured I’d leave her inside the house bc by the time I got the car cooled down I’d already be back. I was gone 3 min maximum. She was very tiny, 2lbs. I used to take her with me EVERYWHERE. When I came back in she was whining, which she usually didn’t do as long as I was in her sight. I was sorting through the mail & noticed that she had started to go to the bathroom on the floor instead of her potty pad. I took her to her potty pad & was telling her to potty like a good girl on the pad. She knew the routine. She was typically excited to do this bc it always meant a treat. This time she was struggling to stay on the potty pad. I’m so stupid bc I thought if I got her to stay on the potty pad she’d get a treat & be happy. She liked to jump a lot & I told her no, & pushed her back. Her potty pad was in the corner. She fell back & hit her head. I picked her up worried she was injured bc I heard her tiny head hit. She was alive when I picked her up. I swaddled her in her blanket & talked to her with my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat. Her heartbeat was fine, but suddenly it just stopped. I have told people about this, even professionals. They say they don’t think that a bump on the head would kill her & that it’s not my fault, but I know that it was. I was there & saw it for myself. I loved her so much. She literally went everywhere with me & did everything with me. I feel sick with guilt & grief. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over it, & I’m not sure that I even deserve to. At night I wake up having severe panic attacks thinking I’m having a heart attack, & honestly I feel I’d deserve it if I did. I can’t do anything at all. All I can think of is her, the sound of her head bumping the wall, & knowing I killed her. I have so much love to give & I gave her all of it, but now… now I’ll never never get another dog, or any pet, so that I can’t make any kind of horrible mistakes that could injure them. Also, it’s a punishment to myself to never allow myself another pet. I feel like that’s the only way I can make up for what I did to my puppy.