Sleep disruption from grief

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As members of The Ralph Site community, sadly each of you knows about bereavement all too well. One commonly experienced symptom of loss is the disruption of normal sleeping patterns. So we thought it might be useful to look at how this might manifest itself, and more importantly, suggest things you can try in order to take matters back into your own hands.

Almost everyone will have problems sleeping at some point in their life – a period of stress at work, physical discomfort or worrying about loved ones can all play havoc with sleep. Usually, the disruption is short-lived, but prolonged sleep problems can negatively affect your mood, energy level and productivity at work, as well as putting a strain on relationships. Such sleep problems can be categorised as follows:

Insomnia – difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the night or waking much earlier than usual
Oversleeping
Night terrors
Sleepwalking – aside from putting you in danger of physical harm, regular sleepwalking will result in a reduction in the quality of sleep, so that you feel tired all the time

Like most sleep problems, those resulting from feeling lost and low after the death of a pet will eventually lessen with time. However, there are some simple steps you can take to hasten this process. So that your sleep patterns return to something more like normal and you begin to wake refreshed and ready to face each new day again:

Establish a routine. Wherever possible, try to go to bed and wake up at the same times every day – this will help your body associate the time between with sleep. Only go to bed when you feel tired enough to sleep. This may be later than you’re used to but if it means you fall asleep quicker, your body will benefit from the same amount of sleep without your anxiety levels rising as you lay in bed watching the minutes tick by.
Make your sleeping environment comfortable and quiet. Collect plenty of blankets and pillows in case you feel cold and remove any disturbing noises – earplugs can help if you have a partner who snores, or you may wish to move to another room altogether. Blackout blinds will keep the room dark, or a nightlight will take the edge off the darkness if that bothers you.
Relax before you go to bed. Tempting as it is to check your social media one last time, experts recommend switching off phones and tablets half an hour before retiring. Instead, why not choose a relaxing book – most people find that reading in bed soon makes them feel tired.
Catch up on lost sleep in the day. Sometimes a power nap can be just the thing to revive flagging energy levels. But take care to make sure they don’t become a regular feature at set times – this will have a detrimental impact on the normal sleep routine you’re trying to establish.
Pay attention to your diet and exercise regime. You might wish to avoid stimulants such as alcohol, nicotine and caffeine in the evenings. Also, try not to eat and drink too much after 8 pm – a full stomach can prevent you falling asleep, whilst a full bladder will wake you up in the early hours.
Keep a sleep diary. Jotting down details about how you’re sleeping can identify patterns – perhaps you have problems sleeping after eating certain foods, or at particular times of the month.
Try a herbal remedy. A few drops of lavender, valerian, passionflower or lemon balm on your pillow can help relax your body and mind into a restful sleep. Try adding a few drops to your bathwater and taking a long wallow with calming music and candlelight – that could do the trick.

Of course, prolonged sleep problems can sometimes have more deep-seated causes. For example, persistent oversleeping may be linked with underlying medical conditions such as diabetes and heart disease. Professional help may be useful in addressing and overcoming these if so.

You can find lots more general advice on how to sleep better on various websites including the NHS Choices website.

Until next time, best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

How the loss of routine makes the death of a beloved pet life-changing in every way

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One of the things that people often mention in The Ralph Site’s Facebook group following the death of a beloved pet is the loss of routine that comes hand-in-hand with their bereavement. It’s something that many of us don’t see coming and yet it can hit you like a high-speed train at a time when you already feel fragile with grief; another loss to mourn.

In many ways, the animals in our lives can shape our daily routines even more than the people around us.

It was a dog’s life

If you’ve had a canine family member, you’re probably used to planning your days around walks and dog-friendly places to go. I imagine you carry a stash of poo bags and treats in your bags and pockets, have a towel in the boot of the car for muddy days out, and never stay away from home for too long. You may default to practical clothes that don’t show up dog hair or that can withstand the weather on winter walks.

Your social life may revolve around your four-legged friend too. You’ve probably seen the same people on your morning walk for years or have struck up a friendship with a trusted dog walker or groomer. Maybe you and a friend always meet up at the weekend to walk your dogs together. Without your dog by your side, you may feel familiar faces are slipping away.

No more furry alarm clocks

Other animals can shape our lives just as much. You might have fed your cat at specific times or called them in from outside every night before you went to bed. Maybe you’ve been used to administering medicine to them at certain times of the day, especially if they were ill for a while before they passed away. You probably even miss cleaning out their litter tray!

An advert about pet food can be a crippling reminder of what’s missing from your shopping list and you may find yourself avoiding the pet care aisle of your local supermarket, having visited it with clockwork regularity for many years.

Perhaps your cat or dog laid beside you sleeping at night or nuzzled your face to wake you in the morning. You may have been blessed with a lap cat. The absence of them now is a constant reminder not only of the physical life that has passed but the shared life now past.

All creatures great and small

Smaller animals require commitment and dedication too, and their loss can be felt just as keenly. Whatever the species, perhaps you always cuddled your pet while you watched TV at night or spent time watching them play. Your routine probably includes cleaning out their cage, shopping for supplies, chopping fresh veg or topping up hay (or providing a more exotic variety of dinner, depending on the type of pet).

And let’s not forget that, as a pet carer, your companion will have been in the forefront of your mind for every holiday, every weekend away or evening out for the duration of their life with you. Whether you agonised about the perfect kennel or cattery, left your pet in the hands of a trusted friend or went somewhere your pet could come too, you’ve always prioritised their needs.

It’s these habits and moments that punctuate our lives as pet carers that are lost too when a pet dies, making the bereavement truly life-changing in emotional and practical terms.

Routine changes rated as major causes of stress

The Social Readjustment Rating Scale, which identifies major stressful life events, shows that the death of a close family member is the fifth greatest cause of stress. Animal lovers and bereavement experts alike increasingly acknowledge that those close family members are often pets.

But more than that, changes to your routine such as how you spend your spare time or your social activities can be significant and debilitating causes of stress.

It can be even more difficult to deal with if you feel that the people around you don’t understand how your life has changed overnight. Friends and family who don’t have pets of their own may struggle to grasp what you’re feeling. People may make clumsy attempts at seeing the bright side of the situation by saying things like, “At least you’re free to go on holiday whenever you want” or “I know you loved him/her but they were a tie, weren’t they?”
You may feel very alone as a result and, with the loss of routine, like you’ve lost the solid ground you need around you to support you at this sad time.

Dealing with your loss of routine

If you’re asking what you can do to help yourself as you grieve, you might want to try the following:

Be kind to yourself. Grieving doesn’t have a timeline, nor is it a linear process. You may have weeks or even months in the future when you feel like you’ve turned a corner and then find yourself sobbing into your cereal one morning without knowing where the tears have come from. It’s devastating but completely normal too.
Part of the grieving process includes acknowledging the routines, habits and literal creature comforts that you have lost. It isn’t just your pet who has gone but the life you shared with them.
Find an ally, someone you can talk to about your feelings. If you can’t find someone among your friends or family who understands, then you can reach out to pet bereavement services for support. The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook is a warm, supportive place where everyone understands the true scope of your loss.
Think about your pet and write down your favourite memories of them, including the routines you had together.
When a human dies, every culture has rituals to help the bereaved mark and cope with the loss. This is often absent when a pet dies. However, you could create your own rituals. Perhaps you could hold a ceremony for your lost companion or plant a tree in their favourite spot in the garden.
Create new routines or adapt the routine you shared with your pet. If you’re used to walking your dog before work every morning, you could try maintaining this habit but perhaps walk a different route or put the emphasis more on your own fitness and wellbeing.
Many people decide to bring a new pet into their home following the loss of a beloved furry companion. This helps them to maintain their routine and focus on the needs of the new addition. That doesn’t mean they ever forget their lost friend or skip over the grief but it can be a comfort.
Volunteer for an organisation such as The Cinnamon Trust (in the UK) to walk a dog or care for the pets of an older person or someone who is ill. This may help you maintain aspects of your routine.
Sit with your feelings. You may feel like the world expects you to move on from your loss straight away and that you have to ‘carry on as normal’, even when it’s your ‘normal’ that’s gone. It’s important to let yourself feel your loss so that you can begin to create a new normal.

Sadly, the life you shared with your furry friend is now past but it can and will be whole again. This quote from Elizabeth Kubler Ross may give you comfort:
Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Tell us in Ten with Anita Nicholson

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

At the moment I have several pets at home: a black and white cat called Jinx, a Westie called Jasper, a German Spitz Kline called Poppy, a Guinea Pig called Milly and Spot, the leopard gecko. I also have three horses and feed a stray cat!

2.What was the name of your first pet?

I lived in Thailand as a child and we took in a gibbon who I called Lucky.

3.Why did you choose the name?

My parents found the poor one on the roadside, having been hit by a car, so it was the perfect name.

4.Cats, dogs, or another species? Can you choose?! And why?

Although I have a variety of furry friends, I would have to say a dog. Cats are very independent, and at times I feel more like Jinx’s butler on call! Poppy and Jasper, however, are always happy to see me, and they give so much love and affection.

5.What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

My favourite memories are with my old German Shepherd, Shane. He was a very special dog and was always very protective. When we brought Jinx home, he washed her and looked after her. He was a ten-stone, big solid dog and very tall, but he looked after her day and night. It made my heart melt.

6.Which three words would you choose to describe him?

My whole world.

7.What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

Definitely Baloo in The Jungle Book. He’s so happy and carefree!

8.If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

I would like to be a giraffe – to be able to see for miles around must be amazing.

9.What advice would you give to someone who is grieving for a much-loved pet?

I’m probably the worst person to ask this question. In November it will be eight years since I lost Shane. On the anniversary I don’t speak to anyone, or even want to see anyone that day. When I talk about him it brings tears to my eyes. My house is covered with his photos. I’m not sure if I’ve come to terms with losing him yet – he meant everything to me. All I can say is that everyone is different, so don’t judge yourself and don’t listen to others telling you what you ‘should’ do, or how you ‘should’ feel. Just take one day at a time.

10.When and how did you come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

I came across the site by accident. At the time I felt suicidal, as no one understood how much Shane’s death affected me. I just needed to be with him and I felt that nobody understood. Then I found this community and I knew that at last, I wasn’t alone; there were other people who felt like I did. Had it not been for The Ralph Site I would not be here today – it was, and still is, a true lifeline for me.

We feature regular mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site; so do keep an eye out each month.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Masculine, feminine – neuter

Animals in the news this month (Oct 2017)

The eyes have it

Recently published research has confirmed what everyone with a dog in their life already knows – that these clever canines produce meaningful facial expressions when communicating with their humans. Scientists studying evolutionary psychology at the University of Portsmouth have discovered that dogs produce more facial movements when people pay attention to them – showing their tongues and raising eyebrows to make their eyes appear bigger (a trait us humans are known to find ‘cute’). They conclude that whilst this is not proof that our pets develop a deep emotional connection to us, it does show that dogs are sensitive to our attention. Which anyone who has ever tried to eat a snack whilst being closely watched by a dog will fully appreciate!

Penguin population plummets

Earlier this month it was reported that a ‘catastrophic breeding event’ had occurred amongst a large colony of Adélie penguins being observed by French scientists in Antarctica. In the colony of about 18,000 breeding penguin pairs on Petrels Island, just two surviving chicks were recorded; whilst sadly thousands of starved chicks and unhatched eggs were found scattered across the island. This is the second time in four years that disaster has hit the colony, believed to be due to a localised increase in the extent of sea ice that has resulted in parents having to travel much further afield to find food. Calls have been made for the urgent establishment of a Marine Protected Area, to limit commercial fishing nearby and thus shield penguins from similar problems in future.

Big cat spotted inside Indian factory

Security guards at India’s largest car manufacturing plant in Manesar, New Delhi couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw an adult leopard captured on CCTV roaming inside the factory. It took 36 hours and 200 police and wildlife officials to track down and tranquilise the big cat in order that he could be safely removed from the building. Production was shut down and workers evacuated whilst the hunt went on. The animal was subsequently released back into the wild, none the worse for his ordeal but perhaps a little more knowledgeable about the process of car assembly?!