Most people associate pet bereavement with the physical death of a beloved pet but what happens when you’re grieving for a pet that has escaped from your home, runaway or even been stolen?

A traumatic loss

When a pet goes missing, it’s so horribly unexpected that it can take time to process the circumstances and your feelings.

Bereavement experts agree that the grief that follows is very similar to that experienced when a pet dies suddenly and traumatically.

As well as the feelings of missing your pet and the life you share with each other, it’s likely that your thoughts may be running in a terrible cycle of questions, “How did this happen?”, “Are they scared?”, “Are they suffering?”, “Are they safe?”, “Has someone found them?”, “Who’s fault is this?”, “What if I’d done X, Y or Z instead?”, “Where are they now?”.

You may feel angry, helpless, frustrated and guilty. If your pet went missing because of someone else’s actions – however innocent those actions may have been – the chances are that you feel angry with that person and may even blame them for your loss.

This can have devastating consequences if that person is part of your immediate support network – a partner, parent or friend – who you would normally turn to at this time of grieving. You may find that you can’t even look at them without thinking of your lost pet.

Or what if your child accidentally forgot to shut the garden gate or close the front door? You may find yourself torn between wanting to minimise their suffering and being angry about their role in this loss, which can be challenging to manage.

How long do we wait?

There’s one feeling, in particular, that can make grieving for a missing pet even more heart wrenching, and that feeling is hope – hope that your pet is alive and well; hope that they’ll come home; hope that your family will be complete again one day.

Most of us have heard stories of cats that have disappeared, only to return months later without a care in the world. There’s always the hope that your pet could return one day too.

As someone once described it, “It’s like having an open wound that’s not allowed to heal” because, of course, all the time there’s hope, it means that the loss might only be temporary. If you have hope, you may feel that it’s not OK to grieve. After all, wouldn’t grieving be like giving up?

But many people are faced with the question of, “How long do we wait for our pet to return?” Maybe what they’re really asking is, “When are we allowed to grieve?”

There is no right or wrong answer. As we’ve said before, grief doesn’t have a timeline.

Searching for a missing pet

Most people find it helps them to be as proactive as possible about searching for their pet, especially in the days immediately after they go missing. If you haven’t already, you could:

• Initiate a search of the local area
• Let your neighbours know that your pet is missing
• If it’s your cat who’s gone missing, many people recommend putting the litter tray outside so that the scent carries
• Check with local vets and animal shelters
• Create some ‘Lost pet’ posters to put up on lampposts and community noticeboards
• Post on Facebook – many areas now have local community groups where you can post about missing pets

These actions can help to give you back a feeling of control at a time when you may feel impotent in the face of your loss

Coping with your loss and finding closure

You may feel like it’s impossible to reconcile your grief with the glimmer of hope we talked about above. It’s this lack of closure that is particularly cruel.

Some people cope by telling themselves that their pet is alive, well and loved but just somewhere else. Others decide to view their pet as having died in order to be able to say goodbye. Eventually, most people are able to say that if their pet returns, it will be the greatest gift but, until then, they have to live as if the animal has gone forever.

Again, there is no right or wrong.

There are some steps you can take to help you cope with your loss, whatever stage you are at in the grieving process:

• Remember that you – or whoever was involved – did not plan for this to happen. No-one woke up one morning and said, “I am going to make sure my pet escapes today”. Mistakes happen – they are part of the human condition.
• Blame is not productive – it creates barriers, loneliness and silence at a time when you need support.
• Ask yourself whether your pet would blame you or want you to be unhappy? The wonderful thing about animals is that they live in the moment, they give unconditional love and they don’t dwell in the past. Your pet would not want you to be sad.
• Grief is experienced one moment at a time – some moments are good, some are bad but all are OK.
• If you have other pets, you might find it helpful to plan against this kind of loss happening again. For example, you might want to ensure that your pets are microchipped or that the microchip has your latest contact details.
• Prioritise your self-care, whether that means eating well, going for regular walks, meeting up with a friend or soaking in the bath.
• Let yourself grieve – whether or not your pet finds his/her way home one day, doesn’t diminish the loss you’re feeling right now. Your grief is natural.

Reach out to pet bereavement support services or groups such as The Ralph Site Facebook group, where other people have lost their pets in all sorts of circumstances and will understand your feelings.

Sadly, you may never know the truth of what happened to your pet after they went missing. But you do know the truth of the life you shared together. It’s important to remember how special this was because that’s the story of your pet’s life and it deserves to be cherished.

Above all, do know that you’re not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the last of our series of mini-interviews with friends of The Ralph Site we heard from Christine Hallworth, who has given us some wise words of advice for anyone experiencing the loss of a much-loved companion.

1. Do you currently share your home with any pets? If so, please tell us about them.

I have three beautiful cats – Alfie, Phoebe and George. Alfie and Phoebe are sixteen-month-old brother and sister, who we adopted from a rescue centre at the end of April after losing my precious Ollie to kidney disease in February this year. They had been born at the rescue centre in June 2016 and were homed together when they were eight weeks old. Sadly for them, they had been returned to the centre a few days before we saw them because of a relationship breakdown, but we fell in love with them both immediately!

A few days later, after a home check, they came to live with us. After hiding under the bed for the first hour they soon ventured out to eat and have very much made themselves at home ever since. We adopted George from the same centre in August this year – he is a cute, mischievous little black and white longhaired boy who loves his ‘big brother’ Alfie and is kept in line by his ‘big sister’ Phoebe! Together they have made our house a home again, after the devastating loss of Ollie who had been in our lives for eleven and a half years.

2. What was the name of your first pet?

Donny.

3. Why did you choose the name?

He was named Donny after my favourite singer at the time, Donny Osmond!

4. Cats, dogs, or another species? Can you choose?! And why?

Despite being brought up in a mainly dog-loving family, I have always loved cats for their beauty, independence and unique personalities.

5. What is your favourite memory of an animal who has shared your life?

My favourite memories will always be of spending time with Ollie, as the very grateful recipient of his ‘head bumps and nose kisses’ that we shared most days. I will cherish those memories, and love and miss Ollie until the day I die.

6. Which three words would you choose to describe him?

Although three words are not enough to describe Ollie, I would choose loyal, loving and unforgettable.

7. What is your favourite fictional animal and why?

Definitely Winnie the Pooh, because he is cute and cuddly!

8. If you could be any animal, which one would you choose and why?

If I could be any animal I would be a cat – they are independent but love their comfort (as I do!) and they are loyal when they find someone who truly loves them.

9. What advice would you give to someone who is grieving for a much-loved pet?

Allow yourself to grieve in the way which is right for you, ignore anyone who tries to tell you ‘it’s only an animal’, be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to grieve for your loved one. Try and find like-minded people who really understand and will help you to cope.

10. When and how did you come across The Ralph Site? What do you think is the most important role of The Ralph Site community?

My husband, desperate to find a way to help me with my overwhelming grief as a result of losing Ollie, told me about The Ralph Site. Everyone else thought I was over it after a couple of weeks, but he could see that I was constantly in tears when we were at home and I wasn’t sleeping. Jim had phoned our vets for some advice and was told about The Ralph Site.

The most important thing was finding out that I’m not alone in my overwhelming grief; after having felt so alone, to be able to read all these comments from people who felt the same way I do was a revelation. Suddenly I could ‘talk’ to people who really understood my feelings of guilt, sorrow and sadness.

I now know it’s OK to say that I still cry every day for Ollie (including whilst I’m writing this), and probably always will. There is no time limit on grief, and losing Ollie has been as bad, if not worse, as losing my parents and best friend.

The Ralph Site community is always there for anyone to express their feelings and make them feel that they are understood – it has probably saved me from a lot more heartbreak in my own life.

This is the last in our series of mini-interviews with members of The Ralph Site community for the time being. We hope that you have enjoyed hearing from some of the members and feel a little closer to one another.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

Pet bereavement isn’t always tied to the death of a pet – instead, you may face being parted from a beloved animal or have lost them already, due to the end of a relationship. This can be just as heartbreaking as a physical death and incredibly complicated to navigate the practicalities and your feelings.

According to the Office of National Statistics, 42% of marriages in England and Wales now end in divorce but you don’t have to be married for the end of a relationship to be just as devastating. As 46% of households have pets, it’s fair to say that a huge number of animals have their lives turned upside down when their human companions decide to go their separate ways.

Who gets the pets?

One of the big questions at the end of the relationship is “Who gets the pets?” If the animal in question was your partner’s before the relationship began, then the pet may stay with them by default.

But if your pet(s) came into your life during your relationship or if you have become the main carer to a pet that was originally your partner’s, things may not be as straightforward.
At this emotional time, it can be heart-breaking and overwhelming to have to make a decision about your pets but it is important. You might want to ask the following questions:

•  Who currently looks after the pets’ needs the most?
•  Who does the feeding, walking, cleaning, vet’s appointments, etc.?
•  Who can provide the most suitable accommodation?
•  Will your work hours change and, if so, what will happen to the pets while you’re at work?
•  Who will be better able to provide for your pets financially?

As hard as it might be to discuss these things while emotions are running high, the animal’s well-being must come first.

Dogs and cats are particularly affected by a relationship breakdown because they are excellent at reading our feelings and react to any stress and upset around them. While you work out where your pet will live, try to maintain as much as their routine as possible and minimise how much you row in front of them.

If your dog is going to have to move house with one of you, try to visit the new house and area as much as possible before the move so that they can become familiar with their new surroundings.

If you notice your pet acting withdrawn, lethargic, over-protective, aggressive or disinterested in life, it can be a sign that they are struggling with their change in circumstances and you may need to consult a vet.

Gone but still living

One of the hardest aspects of losing a much-loved pet due to the breakdown of a relationship is the knowledge that they have gone from your life but continue to live in the world without you.
Many people say that at least with the physical death there’s a sense of an ending that doesn’t come with the loss of a pet due to the end of a relationship.

Instead, you may be feeling a whole range of emotions. Your grief probably feels as raw and overwhelming as it would had your pet died. You may be mourning the loss of your dreams, your plans and the routines that shaped your life. You may also miss your pet’s special brand of comfort, companionship and unconditional love.

This can be a lonely time. Other people may not understand the depth of your grief, arguing that at least the animal you love is alive and well, even if you can’t be with them.

You may be wrestling with feelings such as guilt and jealousy. Will my pet think I’ve abandoned them? Will they be properly cared for without me? Are they missing their old life? Is someone else getting to share their life with my pet? Do they even notice that I’ve gone? At least if they had died, I could say goodbye.

These are all common and completely natural thoughts and questions. It’s tough knowing that you can’t sit down with your pet and explain what’s going to happen and why.

It can also be confusing to pull apart how much of your grief is for the end of your relationship and how much is for your lost pet. You may feel that you have to separate your feelings but the truth is that your losses – your pet, your partner, the life you shared together – are part of each other.

To see or not to see?

Whether you will be able to see your pet in the future will depend on the circumstances of your break-up.

In some cases, there is no choice but to sever ties with an ex, even if it means losing contact with a precious pet. It can also be distressing to see a pet used as collateral to score points against each other. You may decide to walk away in order to spare your pet from any further distress.

Some couples disagree so much about who gets to keep the pets that they decide to rehome the animal altogether. If you feel that neither of you is adequately able to meet your pet’s needs because of your change in circumstances, it might be kinder to find a new family for your pet, albeit a last resort.

If the end of the relationship has been amicable, you may be able to come to an arrangement about visitation rights so that you’re both still able to enjoy time with your once-shared pets. Some former couples agree to regular access or to turn to one another when they need a pet-sitter.

But for many people, this arrangement is too painful. It can be difficult to keep seeing an ex-partner and to move on when you’re still in touch. It can also be heart-breaking to live on the periphery of a pet’s life when you were once the centre of their world.

Only you can decide what feels right for you. It’s OK if you need to put reminders of your pet to one side and say goodbye forever but it’s also understandable if you want to maintain contact.

Allow yourself to grieve

As with all grief, there is no right or wrong way to do it; you don’t have to follow a timeline. You may feel that you’re not allowed to grieve because your pet is still alive but a loss is a loss, no matter how it occurs.

In many ways, the nature of the loss is a footnote because it doesn’t change the nature of the pain. Like any bereaved pet carer, you need to be kind to yourself, sit with your feelings, and take small steps through the pain from surviving into coping and healing.

Talk about your grief – whether it’s with friends and family or in a group like The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook where you’ll find other people who have experienced similar loss.

No-one can ever take away the life, memories and – most importantly – the love that you shared with your pet. Over time, your grief will shift away from the pain of what has gone to gratitude for what you had but it will take time.

Planning for the unthinkable – writing a pet prenup

When a relationship is going well, it can be hard to imagine that there will ever be a time when you’re dividing up your life and moving on. It may be harder still to think that you might be at loggerheads with your current partner about who gets to keep the pets you share together.

Unfortunately, many former couples have to face this reality.

It might seem unthinkable now but one recommendation is to sit down with your partner while your relationship is in a good place and talk about what you would want for your pets in the event of a break-up. Hopefully, it will never happen but if it does and emotions are running high, it can be helpful to have a written plan agreed in happier times.

This can be done informally or more formally as part of a prenuptial agreement (before you get married) or cohabitation agreement (if you don’t intend to marry).

If you did end up having to go to court to resolve who your pets will live with, it’s important to know that they are viewed in the same way as inanimate property under UK law. If you’re not married, a court may make a custody decision using strictly legal principles, such as awarding the pet to the person who bought him/her. If you’re married, the court may be more inclined to look at who devoted the most time to caring for the pet.

Discussing these sad circumstances now could save you all heartache in the future.

Whatever the nature of your loss, do know that you’re not alone.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

When people talk about pet bereavement, the focus often feels like it’s on the loss of a dog or cat but for those of us with small pets, we know that their loss can leave a huge hole in our lives too.

Whether you’re grieving the death of a tiny Russian hamster or a house-trained rabbit, or it’s your pet budgie or snake that has passed, your companion’s size, lifespan or even their furriness is not a measure of your grief.

As we explored in a recent article, the loss of a pet can bring massive disruptions to your daily routines, adding to your sense of loss, but there are other reasons small pets matter too and it helps the grieving process to acknowledge them.

Unconditional love

One of the greatest joys of caring for an animal is that they provide a non-judgemental presence in our lives. Human relationships are fraught with risk – what if the people we love reject us? Or disagree with us? Or their feelings towards us change? Or we disappoint them in some way?

These worries can shape how we behave and how much of ourselves we reveal.

With animals, there are none of these concerns. Animals, whatever their species, live in the moment and, as such, they don’t share our anxiety for the future. We are what they know and understand and they don’t search for anything other than what we’re able to give them in the here and now. They accept us for who we are, even our flaws, which is extraordinarily freeing – the very definition of ‘unconditional love’.

Loss of companionship

As a pet carer, it’s likely that your small pet gave you companionship. It may even be that because of problems such as anxiety, depression, physical illness or even your age, your pet was your only regular companion. Even the smallest of pets can be great therapy animals for adults and children alike, providing a calm and constant source of companionship when living in the world feels lonely or overwhelming.

You may not have needed to hold your pet to benefit from their company – just hearing a hamster in his/her cage or enjoying the wheeks and chatter of guinea pigs can make a house feel like a home.

Even if you’re surrounded by people or in great health, the companionship of a pet can be just as important. Your small pet may have been an oasis of peace after a busy day at work or an accepting friend who didn’t expect you to always be the entertainer of your social group.

The passing of your ‘life witness’

Many people describe their lost pet as someone who was a witness to their life.
Your small pet may have seen you grow from a teenager to a young adult or been there to witness you becoming a parent for the first time. They might have lived in different houses with you or been in your life when you changed jobs. Perhaps you associate them with a significant relationship or event.

Of course, it’s not just the big milestones that our pets are there to witness. Perhaps it’s even more emotional that they are simply part of our everyday lives, part of the fabric of our days and years within the comfort of our own homes.

A member of the family

Many adults share their lives with small pets and are grief-stricken when their comparatively short lives come to an end, but your small pet may also have been important to your children. In fact, for many young people, it’s the death of a family pet that is often their first introduction to death and bereavement.

If you have a child who’s struggling with this loss, you might find our article about helping a child through the grieving process helpful, especially in terms of some age-appropriate tips.

Your grief is allowed

People often talk about pet bereavement as a disenfranchised grief because our society doesn’t always recognise the impact that the death of a pet can have.

Those of us mourning the loss of a small pet can feel particularly lonely in the face of other people’s apparent lack of sympathy. You may feel that, in other’s eyes, because your pet only had the prospect of a short lifespan, you should have expected their death and been prepared for it. Well-meaning friends may say, “It was just a degu – why not get another?” or “It costs more to take them to the vet than it does to replace them” (yes, this has been said to members of The Ralph Site) as if the animal you loved was just a commodity to swap and change with another.

If you are mourning a pet commonly associated with phobias – rats, mice, snakes and tarantulas all spring to mind – it may feel like other people are struggling to understand your attachment.

Whatever the circumstances, your grief is allowed. You don’t have to justify it to anyone and you don’t have to get over it overnight. The same advice applies to bereaved small animal carers as it does to those with cats and dogs – give yourself time, be kind to yourself, commemorate your lost companion, talk about them, celebrate them and remember that, while their life may have been short, it still mattered.

There are some lovely small pet carers in The Ralph Site’s Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook so please do remember that support and an understanding ear is out there if you need it.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

In the last week of every month we take a look back at the crazy creatures and amazing animals that have made the headlines in recent weeks. Here’s a reminder of what November’s headlines told us about some of the animals that share our planet:

New Zealand’s ‘first cat’ tragically killed

Sad news from down under this month, as Paddles, feline companion of New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, was hit by a car outside her home. Paddles had become something of a social media sensation once her mum was elected in October, as she was polydactyl (having opposable thumbs). She also unwittingly took part in the congratulations call made to the official residence by President Trump, mewing loudly in the background throughout! The cat had previously been adopted from the Royal New Zealand Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and her family are encouraging donations to the charity in her memory.

Red squirrels return

Happier news from Scotland this month, as we learn that red squirrel numbers are enjoying a healthy increase throughout northwest Scotland. The native population had been badly affected for many years by disease and competition from the grey squirrel, prompting the introduction of 85 red squirrels into three sites early last year. Ongoing population monitoring shows that the steady rise in numbers seen in recent years continues. It is believed that there are now around 138,000 red squirrels thriving across Scotland. Historical records suggest there were once as many as 3.5 million red squirrels in the UK, with numbers falling to an all-time low of just 27,000 in 2007. It’s great to see the conservation focus paying off, as this beautiful native species goes from strength to strength once more.

Perils of plump pooches

A survey published this month finds that 90% of Brits do not know how many calories their dogs should be eating each day. Inadvertent overfeeding and treating pets without reducing their daily food intake accordingly are causing an obesity problem that threatens dogs with increased risk of developing arthritis. Thirteen percent of carers also admitted being more than a little vague with the facts when asked by their vets about how much their pet eats! Vets warn that, depending on the breed, overfeeding can take as much as four years from a dog’s lifespan, as well as bringing on diabetes and other health problems. If you want reassurance about your pet, don’t forget that your local vet practice will be happy to give advice on his / her ideal weight, and the nurses can help devise diet regimes to keep your dog happy and healthy.

Until next time, very best wishes from Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support