As a bereaved person, how we talk about the death of a pet, and how other people speak to us, can have a major impact on whether we feel supported or even able to express our grief. 

Despite its universal nature, there doesn’t seem to be an agreed language of loss. It’s wrapped up in euphemisms, metaphors, analogies, symbolism, agreed social and cultural messages, and our own experiences.  

This can make conversations about loss extremely hard to navigate. Sometimes, words may fail us altogether. 

People often don’t know what to say to a bereaved person for fear of saying the wrong thing or causing more harm. They don’t want to remind us of our loss. Silence from our loved ones can feel extremely isolating but, equally, sometimes words intended as comfort don’t land the right way. 

When we’re grieving, emotions run high. Then there’s the fact that we all have individual preferences about language. Good intentions can get lost in translation. 

Our hope with today’s blog is that we can highlight some of the nuances around the language of loss and grief.  

If you’re the person who’s grieving, this may help you to understand more about what you find helpful and supportive. If you’re supporting a bereaved person, it may help you feel more confident about talking to them about their grief. 

Direct language vs. abstract language 

You might prefer to use direct language when talking about the death of your pet as it acknowledges the reality of the situation and allows you to confront it head-on. Direct language can provide clarity and avoid confusion.  

On the other hand, you may prefer softer, more abstract language, as it can feel less harsh and more comforting. Abstract language can provide a sense of distance from the finality of death and may be preferred if you find direct language too confronting or upsetting. 

Here are some examples of direct or abstract language: 

• Direct language: Dead, death, died, euthanised, deceased 
• Abstract language: Passed away, transitioned, departed, didn’t make it, isn’t with us anymore, slipped away 

Concrete terms vs. metaphors 

Concrete terms describe death and its aftermath in literal and straightforward terms, leaving little room for interpretation. They tend to be quite practical in nature, for example, describing what has happened to your pet’s physical body.  

Metaphors, on the other hand, use symbolic language to evoke emotions and provide comfort. While concrete terms offer clarity, you may find them too stark or clinical, preferring the gentleness and poetic nature of metaphors. 

It is important to recognise that many metaphors for death have religious connotations. The idea of being called home to heaven or to a better place can be incredibly comforting for someone with religious or spiritual beliefs. However, for someone who doesn’t believe in an afterlife, religious metaphors can be jarring. Suggesting, for example, that there’s a better place for an animal than their loving home may upset pet carers, so it’s always advisable to tread carefully. 

These are examples of concrete language vs metaphors: 

• Concrete Terms: Dead, cremated, buried 
• Metaphors: Resting in peace, returned to the earth, released from suffering, gone to a better place, sleeping with the angels, beyond the veil, lost their battle, was called home 

Closure vs. continuation 

When you’re grieving, believing that you must move through clear stages of grief until it’s over can set unrealistic expectations and pressure (here’s why it’s fine to ignore them). Grief rarely comes to a definitive end, never to be seen again. Rather, it tends to mellow or change with time, staying with us, albeit at a more manageable level.  

The concept of closure implies an endpoint or resolution, suggesting that one can neatly tie up loose ends and move on from grief. You may find solace in the idea of closure as it offers a sense of finality and the opportunity to start anew.  

However, it could be that you prefer to view grief as a continuation, recognising that the memories and impact of your pet will endure beyond their physical presence. Continuation language emphasises your ongoing relationship with them and the importance of preserving their memory. 

It can help to take the pressure off and make you more able to ignore questions such as “Haven’t you finished grieving yet?” or “Don’t you think it’s time you moved on?” 

In addition, continuation language can be helpful if you hit a rough patch in your grief or if you feel that stronger emotions associated with your loss are re-emerging. This is because grief doesn’t tend to be linear. It ebbs and flows. Anniversaries and milestone dates can trigger powerful feelings of loss, even years after the event. 

Continuation language encourages us to accept this, which can be empowering because we understand what’s happening when we hit a low patch. However, if we expect closure, it can be overwhelming when grief resurfaces. 

Again, here are some examples of closure or continuation language: 

• Closure: Finding closure, moving on, the five stages of grief, finished grieving, get over, move past 
• Continuation: Moving forward, honouring their memory, carrying on their legacy, integration/integrating the loss, grief journey 

Healing vs. coping 

There’s arguably some crossover in the language of loss between coping and healing. After all, many of us hope to cope until we can heal. 

Language related to healing suggests a process of recovery and restoration, implying that one can eventually overcome grief and return to a state of wholeness. You may find comfort in the idea of healing as it offers hope for the future and a sense of progress. On the other hand, the idea of complete healing can feel a lot like a point of closure, which, as we saw above, can create unrealistic expectations.  

An alternative is coping language, which acknowledges the ongoing nature of grief and the need to develop strategies for managing it. Coping language can be empowering, emphasising resilience and adaptation in the face of loss. 

• Healing: Healing from grief, finding healing 
• Coping: Coping with loss, learning to cope

Why words matter when we’re grieving 

While there are no words that will ever fully soothe the pain of losing a much-loved pet, it’s clear that the words we do have at our disposal can be incredibly powerful. When someone speaks to you using your preferred language of loss, it can provide: 

• Acknowledgment of the relationship 

People often struggle with how to acknowledge the depth of the bond between an individual and their pet. Some may dismiss an animal companion who has died as “just a pet,” while others may fully recognise the pet as a beloved family member. Finding language that validates the significance of the relationship is essential. 

• An antidote to the stigma surrounding pet loss 

Despite the profound grief experienced by pet carers, there can still be societal stigma around pet loss. If you feel pressure to downplay your emotions or rush through the grieving process, it can be helpful to hear language that validates and normalises the grief you’re experiencing, as well as helping to combat this unfair stigma. 

• Space for mixed or confused feelings 

Pet loss can bring up complex, confused, and even ambiguous feelings. This often occurs when there is uncertainty or lack of closure, such as when a pet goes missing or when euthanasia is chosen. Language that acknowledges the ambiguity of your loss and allows space for a variety of emotions can be comforting. 

• Inclusive language 

Not everyone experiences grief in the same way, and the language used to discuss it should reflect this diversity. Some individuals find comfort in spiritual or religious language, while others prefer more secular terminology. Using inclusive language that respects different belief systems and coping mechanisms is essential because there is no “right” way to grieve. 

• Permission to grieve 

Receiving reassurance that our grief is understood can be incredibly validating. You may take great comfort from language that acknowledges the depth of your emotion and honours the unique bond you shared with your pet. 

Avoiding cliches and platitudes 

If you know someone who is grieving, be wary of platitudes such as “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, “They’re in a better place”, “At least they’re not suffering”, “At least he went quickly”, or “You were lucky to have her for as long as you did”. 

Although well-intentioned, these expressions can feel dismissive to the bereaved person. It’s important to be mindful of the language used and offer genuine empathy and support instead of relying on empty phrases. We have some pointers here to help you, as we understand that talking about loss is hard. 

Conclusion 

The choice between direct and abstract language, concrete terms and metaphors, closure and continuation, and healing and coping can vary greatly depending on individual preferences and cultural beliefs.  

Some people prefer language that directly confronts the reality of death, while others find comfort in softer, more abstract expressions. There’s no right choice, only what feels right for you.  

If you find a certain type of language unhelpful, it may be a good idea to calmly point this out by saying what you prefer. It’s completely fine to say, “I don’t find the idea of them going to a better place or being called home” helpful! Equally, if there is language that resonates, you can model this to your loved ones by using it when you talk about your grief.  

The most important thing is that your unique way of processing grief is respected and that your loved ones can offer support and understanding regardless of the language used.  

The Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group offers a safe space to talk about your grief, whatever your preferred language of loss. 

Shailen and The Ralph Site team 
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support 

Losing a beloved pet is an incredibly difficult experience, whatever the circumstances, but how do you come to terms with the belief that you waited too long to say goodbye?

People often talk about their worries around euthanasia, but it’s generally in the context of wondering if it’s the right thing to do or whether they’ll make the decision too soon. A common saying, “Better a week too early than a day too late”, provides reassurance about this.

But what about those of us who feel we were too late – be it a minute, an hour, a day, a week or longer? How do we come to terms with our feelings of guilt and regret? How do we move forward when we believe that our loved one suffered because we didn’t act soon enough?

Guilt and regret often accompany pet loss

The first thing to say is that guilt and regret are often present with pet loss grief.

One of the reasons for this is that our animal companions can’t tell us how they feel or what their dying wishes are. 

Our pets are utterly dependent on us. We determine how they live and, in many cases, how and when they die. This comes with a huge amount of responsibility.

What would our pet choose if they could tell us? Would they prefer a “natural” death without intervention? Would they prefer to say goodbye while they still have some good times in amongst the bad, or would they want to wait as long as possible?

Without definitive answers, we must act on instinct and our knowledge of our pet’s behaviour. After a pet has died, this can leave us feeling guilty that we made the wrong choice or got the timing of our choice wrong.

Euthanasia gives death a time limit

Euthanasia (meaning “good death”) is a deliberate intervention to end an animal’s pain or suffering. 

When offered, euthanasia is intended to be in the animal’s best interests. If most of the animal’s good days are behind them, the intention is to bring about a calm and peaceful death without prolonged suffering.

In this article, we’re assuming that you considered at some stage whether to euthanise your pet (i.e. have them “put to sleep”). It’s knowing that euthanasia is an option that puts death on some sort of schedule and leads to the feeling of waiting too long. 

In the end, you may have decided not to choose euthanasia, or maybe you wish you’d opted for it sooner. If this doesn’t reflect your experience, we hope you will still find valuable advice and support below.

Euthanasia is both a gift and a curse

People often refer to euthanasia as the last “gift” or “kindness” that we can give to our pets. But many of us would agree that euthanasia is both a gift and a curse (at least, for us as pet carers). 

Yes, euthanasia enables us to prevent an animal companion from enduring needless suffering (many humans are currently campaigning to have the same right over their own lives and deaths). However, knowing that euthanasia is an option means that we may feel more pressure to ensure a well-timed “good death”.

This creates an illusion that death is something we can control, that there is a “right time”, but the truth is that this isn’t always possible.

The death of any living being is a strange contradiction – completely inevitable and yet utterly unpredictable. 

Because our pets can’t talk to us, most of us desperately hope for a definitive moment when we know euthanasia is the right choice. Other people might have said to you, “You’ll know when it’s time” or “You’ll see in your pet’s eyes when they’re ready” but, often, this isn’t the case.

Sometimes, it takes an emergency for euthanasia to be the only choice.

It’s more common for an animal to move slowly towards the end of their life, either through ill health or old age. When this happens, it isn’t always obvious when euthanasia is the “right” decision or in the animal’s best interest.

Your pet may have had good days in with the bad. Just when you thought you were clear about it being the right time for euthanasia, they may have rallied. You may have been waiting for a sign or for your pet to give you permission to say goodbye.

In the absence of these things, perhaps you waited longer than you believe you should have done. But you only ever waited with good intentions.

You’re not alone

As we mentioned earlier, you’re not alone if you feel responsible for your pet’s suffering or the timing of their passing. With such a heavy responsibility, it’s normal to question if you made the right decisions regarding your pet’s treatment or euthanasia.

Many bereaved pet carers believe they should have acted sooner or differently. 

You may find yourself dwelling on “what if” scenarios and imagining alternative outcomes. It’s also natural to struggle with the circumstances surrounding your pet’s passing, especially if you feel that you somehow waited too long to say goodbye.

We hope we can offer you some comfort.

Guilt and regret often accompany grief

Feelings of guilt and regret are normal reactions to loss. There’s a good chance that you would wish for a different course of events or outcome, regardless of how or when your pet died. In part, these thoughts are about helping you make sense of what has happened. They also enable you to draw on your experience in the future. 

Recognise the good intentions behind your decisions

You provided love and care for your pet throughout your time together. If you feel in hindsight that you waited too long to say goodbye, you only did so from a place of love and good intentions. You would never have chosen to let your pet suffer.

Sadly, there are cruel people in the world who cause animals immense suffering, but you are not one of them.

As we’ve already highlighted, we’re often led to believe that animals somehow communicate when they are at peace with dying, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, death approaches slowly, and we must decide what a good quality of life might look like to our pets based on what they loved when they were well.

Of course, this is subjective – talk to ten different people, and they may all have differing opinions about what constitutes a decent quality of life. This is one of the reasons why end-of-life decisions on behalf of our pets are so challenging. Yes, there are quality-of-life scales that can help, but even these are subjective.

Every pet or situation is unique; you also have a unique perspective based on your life experiences. You made the decisions you did – even decisions to wait before acting – with the information you had available to you at the time, and based on what you could live with in the moment.

You couldn’t have done more.

It can be hard to see clearly when we’re in the middle of a situation. Even if people you know urged you to act sooner, remember that they had the benefit of distance and a more detached perspective.

Be kind to yourself. You did your best in impossible circumstances.

Although it’s difficult to think about anything other than how or when your pet died right now, remind yourself of the good memories and the bond you shared. This will be what your pet carried with them, and it’s in these memories that you’ll find them again.

Death from your pet’s perspective

Because we share such an intense bond with our animal companions, it’s easy to anthropomorphise them (i.e. attribute human behaviours, thoughts, or characteristics to them). However, we must remember that other animal species may not approach death in the same way as humans.

Do they fear or despair at the thought of dying? Do they wrestle with or understand the choice between a future life of suffering or a quick death? Do they want to stay alive to be with us, even if it means that their suffering will continue?

Even people who have studied the animal species we keep as pets for decades can’t answer those questions.

Many would say that while animals are sentient beings with rich emotional lives, and some species undoubtedly mourn and recognise that the dead are gone for good, it is possibly only humans who understand that death will come for us all. This means that your pet wasn’t reflecting on their mortality or even the cause of their pain. More likely, they were inhabiting their physical body with a complete focus on the moment, not the past or the future. 

When any suffering did end for your pet, just know that the relief was instantaneous.

Find ways to mourn, honour and celebrate your pet

If love could have saved your animal friend, they would have been with you forever. Sadly, though, no one is immortal. 

It’s understandable that you want to reflect on how your pet died and that you might have regrets. It can be helpful to sit with your feelings, acknowledge them and express them, but it’s also important that you don’t stay in this place of loss and guilt forever.

Your pet died, and there are things you wish you could change about this, but crucially, they lived too – and it’s their beautiful life that deserves to be remembered.

It can be helpful to find ways to honour and celebrate your pet. This can include creating a memorial, writing to your pet, planting a tree in honour of them, sponsoring another animal in their name, or any other act that feels meaningful to you.

Talk about your pet loss

The Ralph Site exists because we believe that everyone should have the opportunity to talk openly about their feelings when a pet dies.

It can be comforting to seek the company (online or in person) with people who have experienced something similar. If you post in The Ralph Site pet loss support group, you may be surprised by how many people believe they waited too long to say goodbye.

These conversations can encourage you to exercise self-forgiveness. What would you say to someone who is wrestling with the same thoughts as you about waiting too long?

If your guilt and regret are becoming overwhelming, you might want to seek guidance from a bereavement counsellor or someone who specialises in pet loss support. 

Healing from the loss of a pet takes time, and everyone responds differently. When you feel you should have acted sooner to end your animal companion’s suffering, it can stir up complex feelings.

Be gentle and compassionate towards yourself. Focus on your intentions towards your pet – they were only ever good.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

If you’re new to The Ralph Site, first let us say that we’re so sorry for the loss that has brought you here. We hope you find comfort and support within these pages and from our wider community.

Today’s blog is about the different types of grief and why it can be helpful to recognise them.

Isn’t grief simply grief, you might be asking? How can there be different types? Why does the type of grief matter? Is pet loss grief different from other forms of grief? Is there a right way to grieve?

These are all common questions.

Yes, when all things are said and done, grief is simply grief. It’s a collection of emotions and physical symptoms that we experience when someone or something we care about deeply leaves our life, often forever. Grief, they say, is love that has nowhere to go. It’s the love that’s left behind.

And, no, pet loss grief isn’t different than grief triggered by another loss (although it can present some unique challenges), and there isn’t a right way to grieve. 

However, the different types of grief, as defined by psychologists, can influence your experience, the support you receive, how your grief manifests, how long you remain in the early stages of loss, and more.

Being aware of the type of grief you’re experiencing can help you identify what you might be struggling with or even when you might need the support of a bereavement counsellor.

So, we thought you might find it helpful if we highlight the different grief types with links to resources here on The Ralph Site.

Seventeen types of grief

1. Abbreviated grief

As the name suggests, abbreviated grief refers to a short-lived period of mourning following a bereavement, after which a person can move forward relatively quickly.

If you’re experiencing abbreviated grief, you may feel shocked at how quickly you’ve been able to fill the void left by your pet. For some people, this can trigger a feeling of guilt or cause them to question their relationship with the loved one they lost.

Abbreviated grief often happens when a person has been through a long period of anticipatory grief (more about this below). It may be that you came to peace with your loss before your pet died, perhaps because they were elderly, terminally ill, or for a plethora of other reasons.

Remember that grief isn’t a competition. It isn’t measured by its length, its depth, how it shows up, or anything else. It’s unique to you.

2. Absent grief

Absent grief is when the bereaved person doesn’t experience the feelings typically associated with grief.

There can be many reasons for this, such as differing expectations, previous losses, shock, and more.

Experts do warn that grief can appear to be absent if we refuse to acknowledge or continue to deny a loss, and that it might, in fact, be a type of incomplete or complicated grief.

In this scenario, absent grief is about repressing difficult feelings and struggling to meet grief head-on. A total absence of grief can cause people to become stuck or for grief to surface at a much later date. 

On the other hand, grief can be absent due to religious or philosophical beliefs about the afterlife. Equally, if your pet has been suffering, you may feel that death has set them free, which can prompt relief instead of grief.

If you would have expected to feel something about your pet loss but don’t, you may want to speak to an experienced bereavement counsellor to explore this.

3. Anticipatory grief

We’ve already mentioned anticipatory grief above, and it is a grieving state that affects many pet carers. It describes the grief that you feel before your pet dies because you know you have the loss ahead of you.

Those of us who share our lives with animal companions know that their lives are much shorter and that they’re likely to die before us. Knowing this doesn’t make the end of a pet’s life any easier for their caregiver.

Anticipatory grief can make it hard to live in the moment because your mind occupies the future where the loss has happened. On the flip side, though, anticipatory grief can inspire you to make precious memories and say everything you want to your pet.

People who have been through a long period of anticipatory grief sometimes find that they’re able to accept their loss relatively quickly because they’ve done so much of the emotional processing ahead of time.

4. Chronic grief

Chronic grief is a form of complicated grief (see below) that is persistent and long-lasting and that may need professional support to address.

Symptoms of chronic grief can include a loss of identity or feeling that a part of oneself has died; a marked sense of disbelief about the death; avoiding reminders about the loss; intense emotional pain related to the death; difficulty with reintegration into everyday life (e.g., struggling to connect with friends, pursue any interests, or plan for the future); emotional numbness; a feeling that life is meaningless; and intense loneliness.

If you’re experiencing chronic grief, these symptoms will last much longer than what is expected based on cultural, social, or religious norms. 

This can be tricky to identify because, as we always say on The Ralph Site, grief doesn’t come with a time limit and, in many ways, lasts forever. With chronic grief, people tend to stay in the early stages of grief, where the loss consumes every moment and part of their being.

5. Collective grief

This is typically when a loss affects a family, a group, or a community. We often see outpourings of collective grief after a terror attack, a natural disaster, or even when someone in the public eye dies. 

In the case of pet loss, you may need to navigate your way through the collective grief of your friends and family. This can help to create a sense of all being “in it together”. Alternatively, it can sometimes present relationship challenges when everyone is experiencing their grief differently.

6. Complicated grief

We’ve mentioned complicated grief above. It’s a phrase generally used to describe grief that deviates from what psychologists would see as “the norm” or “typical” when someone suffers a loss. 

Complicated grief can include chronic grief, absent grief, or delayed grief. It can leave the mourner feeling frozen in the moment of loss, unable to connect with the loss at all, or unable to function for a prolonged period due to the loss overshadowing everything else.

7. Cumulative grief

If you’ve experienced other bereavements in the past, you may find that your recent pet loss has brought those other losses to the surface, too. 

Cumulative grief is often a factor if you’ve experienced multiple losses within a short time period as you may not have had a chance to process your feelings about one loss before being faced with another.

8. Delayed grief

As the name suggests, delayed grief can take its time to show up. This often happens if you have other things to deal with, such as a significant life event, which means you must put your feelings on hold to cope.

People experiencing delayed grief may look as though they’re reacting disproportionately to their current situation because others fail to recognise that they are finally feeling the loss they suffered at any earlier time.

9. Distorted grief

Distorted grief tends to be characterised by overwhelming anger that the bereaved person desperately needs to direct somewhere, be it at another person or people, the world at large, or even at themselves.

If you’re experiencing distorted grief, you may feel permanently angry, show hostility towards others, use self-harming behaviours, or seek conflict. It is important to seek support.

10. Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief happens when the bereaved person feels that their pain and loss aren’t recognised by our wider society. 

Pet loss sometimes falls in this category because people don’t understand the depth of feeling or, having not experienced it themselves, diminish the loss by suggesting, for example, that an animal companion can be replaced.

Bereavements such as a miscarriage, the death of an ex-partner, or the loss of a much-loved colleague often fall in this category, too.

We talk a lot about disenfranchised grief here on The Ralph Site because it can make bereaved pet carers feel unseen or isolated, and it’s vital that we recognise it.

11. Exaggerated grief

Exaggerated grief is also known as “persistent complex bereavement disorder”. According to Love to Know, it “refers to a group of symptoms that persist in high intensity for at least six months after a loss is experienced and with an individual also experiencing difficulty with acts of daily living and functioning”.

When someone is experiencing exaggerated grief, they’re likely to exhibit noticeable and disruptive behaviours that can include substance abuse, thoughts of self-harm and suicide to return to the loved one, hyper-focus on the deceased individual and the circumstances surrounding their death, prolonged feelings of shock, or extreme and unusual fears.

Depression and PTSD are often associated with a complex bereavement disorder, and it is important to seek professional support.

12. Incomplete grief

Bereavement experts say that it can take people anywhere from six months to two years to move through the most debilitating aspects of grief. With incomplete grief, the bereaved person’s emotional state gets stuck at some point. This makes it difficult to come to terms with the loss. 

If you find yourself reliving your pet’s final days on a loop or becoming depressed, anxious or hypervigilant, it could be a sign that you need support in order to adjust to life without your loved one.

13. Inhibited grief

Grief is deeply personal and can be difficult to express. Many of us live in societies that find death hard to talk about, and people are often scared of saying the wrong thing, so they don’t say anything at all.

Inhibited grief can come about when you make a conscious effort to keep your grief private. Instead, you present the outward appearance that everything is fine. This might be because you want to make other people feel comfortable or because you don’t want to worry your friends and family.

However, it’s important to recognise that grief wants to be felt and experienced. There is a risk that hiding grief can repress and prolong it.

14. Masked grief

Masked grief happens when you try to ignore or suppress your feelings in the hope they’ll go away of their own accord. You may be experiencing masked grief if you’re desperately trying to carry on as if nothing has happened.

The problem is, as we mentioned with inhibited grief above, that a bereavement demands to be felt. All that love you have for your pet is still there, wanting acknowledgement and acceptance. 

If you’re experiencing masked grief, you might notice physical or emotional symptoms that don’t obviously seem connected to your loss. This is because the grief is still there behind the mask as it’s trying to push its way into your reality.

15. “Normal” or “healthy” grief

We’ve put the words “normal” and “healthy” in speech marks here because we don’t want to imply that there is a correct way to grieve and that if you don’t fall into this grieving type, you’re somehow getting things wrong.

What this phrase means is that grief is the most natural response in the world to losing someone you love. It’s something we’re all destined to experience. The only way to avoid grief is to avoid making emotional attachments with anyone or anything.

And because loss is an inevitable part of the human condition, we’re surprisingly capable of experiencing it, processing it, and eventually finding a way to move forward and find satisfaction in the life that comes after a loved one dies. That doesn’t mean we don’t care or that the love we feel diminishes in anyway; it’s just that we’re hardwired to adapt.

The common and typical symptoms of grief include:

• Strong feelings of sadness or sorrow
• An inability to focus and a temporary disconnection from everyday life
• Consuming thoughts of who or what you’ve lost
• Feelings of a loss of purpose or intention in life
• Denial of your loss
• Sleep disruption
• Changes to appetite

With “normal” or “healthy” grief, the bereaved person will go on an emotional journey that will enable them to come to terms with their loss eventually. 

Normal grief also enables us to find a way to maintain an emotional connection with a beloved pet after their death.

16. Secondary loss

Secondary loss is perhaps best seen as a type of cumulative grief. It describes the kind of grief that happens when the initial loss triggers other losses, too. Dog guardians, for example, may find that they lose the routines or parts of their social life that revolve around their dog, as well as grieving for the dog themselves. 

Losing a much-loved animal companion can also trigger a loss of identity. Again, this is a secondary loss that only adds to the pain of the original bereavement.

17. Traumatic grief

As the name suggests, traumatic grief is the result of trying to process losing a loved one to a horrifying, violent, or sudden death. It can lead to the bereaved person experiencing flashbacks or feeling guilty for surviving or not being able to prevent the loss of life.

If you are experiencing traumatic grief, you may benefit from speaking to a trained bereavement counsellor.

Conclusion

Grief is a universal experience and yet so deeply personal that it can look and feel completely different from one person to another.

You may feel like the types of grief labelled above are irrelevant to your own grief. On the other hand, maybe you find it reassuring to know that there’s a name for what you’re feeling.

As we mentioned in our introduction, it can be helpful to know when you might need support from a trained bereavement counsellor, especially if you’re using harmful coping mechanisms.

Grief is messy, common, and yet exquisitely unique. We want you to know that you’re not alone, whatever your grief.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

How long does pet loss grief last? If you’ve experienced a bereavement, you may be asking yourself this question a lot, wanting to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

This question has no straightforward answer because grief is, in many ways, an everlasting presence in our lives. Why? Because it’s a manifestation of love, and if love can never truly die, then neither can grief. 

We can reassure you though that pet loss grief eventually becomes manageable. 

It changes, ebbs and flows, and sometimes it’s more intense than at other times. But, with time, you will be able to enter the next stage in your life and experience happiness and good things once again.

In this blog, we’ll explore the enduring nature of grief, its manifestations, and the signs of incomplete grief to be aware of.

Grief as a manifestation of love

Grief is often described as the price we pay for love. It’s an emotional response to the loss of someone or something we deeply care about. Pet loss grief falls under this umbrella.

The profound pain and sorrow you’re feeling is a testament to the love you had for your lost animal friend. Just as love has no expiration date, grief too, is not bound by time. It’s a reflection of the love that we carry within us.

Endless love, endless grief

The idea that grief is forever may sound daunting, but it can help to recognise it as a natural part of the human experience (and the experience of many other sentient beings).  

That doesn’t mean we have to like it, of course, but it does mean that we can try to accept it.

The only way to live a life without grief is to avoid making any attachments or caring about anything. And that is a loss in itself. 

Recognising the universal and yet deeply personal nature of grief can help us to sit with it rather than thinking it’s something we have to cure or exorcise. 

Sitting with grief can help us to see that when we lose someone or something we love, our love doesn’t suddenly vanish. It transforms into grief, taking up residence in our hearts and minds. Grief doesn’t simply fade away, but it evolves into something different over time. 

In this way, perhaps it’s better to think of it as “endless grief, endless love”.

The ebb and flow of grief

The good news is that grief rarely stays at the same intensity forever. It might sound trite, but life goes on. As it does, grief has to learn to coexist and make space for other feelings too. Sometimes it pushes to the front, but other times, it manages to sit quietly in the corner of your mind.

In this way, it resembles an ocean. Some days, it might feel like a gentle, manageable tide, while on others, it might surge like a tsunami. 

The intensity of grief varies from person to person and can change from moment to moment. It’s unpredictable, and it’s OK to have good days and bad days.

Signs of Incomplete Grief

It might sound contradictory when we’ve said that grief never entirely ends, but it is possible to become frozen in the more intense early stages of grief or to experience something known as incomplete grief. Another term is complicated grief.

These concepts refer to an ongoing, prolonged struggle to express, confront or even experience the feelings related to loss.

Bereavement experts say that if you recognise these signs in yourself or a loved one more than six months after your loss, it might mean that you need to seek further support and healing:

• Persistent feelings of sadness that disrupt your everyday life

If your sadness remains unyielding, engulfing daily life and disrupting your ability to function, it might be a sign of incomplete grief. 

• Social withdrawal

It’s very common for grief to make people withdraw from their social circles. You may have experienced the isolation of pet loss at some point. It’s important to recognise that if this withdrawal persists over an extended period, it may be a sign of unresolved emotions.

If you’re struggling to connect with your friends and family or even work colleagues, you may need to seek pet bereavement counselling or let a trusted person in your circle know how you’re feeling.

• Intense anger or guilt

Unresolved grief can manifest as intense anger or guilt towards oneself, the deceased, or others involved in the situation. Again, we’ve talked in past blogs about guilt and anger being part of pet loss grief. It’s if these feelings aren’t subsiding or being less invasive over time that you might need to talk them through.

• Physical symptoms

Grief can sometimes lead to physical symptoms such as chronic headaches, digestive issues, or sleep disturbances. When these symptoms persist, they may be related to unresolved grief. 

• Inability to find joy

While it’s natural to feel sad after a bereavement, an ongoing inability to experience joy or happiness, even in small moments, can indicate incomplete grief.

• Excessive avoidance

If you find that you’re avoiding places, people, or activities associated with your pet, it may be another sign that you’re frozen in your early grief. Facing these triggers is an important step in the healing process.

• Overwhelming preoccupation with the deceased

Continuously obsessing over your pet may hinder the healing process. Of course, it’s hard to define when this becomes problematic. After all, most bereaved people are preoccupied with who or what they have lost. You may find yourself playing out different scenarios, thinking about your pet’s final moments, worrying about where they are now (physically or spiritually), and more.

Again, a sign of incomplete grief is when these thoughts stay at a high level of intensity for a prolonged length of time to the exclusion of other thoughts and feelings.

• Difficulty in moving forward

If some time has passed since your pet died or went missing, and you’re struggling to adapt to life without them to the extent that you cannot set future goals or make plans, you might need support to move forward.

Finding ways to manage your pet loss grief

Although grief may be eternal in some form, it can become more manageable over time. Here are some strategies that may help you to cope with your pet loss grief:

• Seeking support

Connecting with friends, family, or a support group can provide a safe space to share your feelings and gain emotional support.

• Professional help

Grief counselling or therapy can provide you with tools to cope with your loss and navigate the grieving process. 

If you’re in the UK, you might want to call the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Helpline to talk about your feelings. If you’re outside of the UK, Google should be able to point you to local counselling and bereavement services.

• Self-care

Prioritising self-care is essential during times of grief. This includes taking care of your physical and emotional wellbeing. Sometimes, it can be beneficial to simply sit with your feelings and let them come without judgment about how you “should” be feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

• Honouring memories

We frequently mention this in our blogs (for good reason!), but you may find solace and acceptance through creating a memorial, keeping a journal, or finding meaningful ways to remember your pet.

• Allowing time

Grief is not something that can be rushed. Allowing oneself the time to heal and not putting pressure on the timeline is crucial. 

• Setting small goals

Gradually setting achievable goals can provide a sense of purpose and direction. This is especially important if your grief is having a prolonged impact on your ability to function and experience life in all of its richness. 

Make your goals small and break them down into even smaller steps if you need to. 

• Accepting change

Grief transforms the way we perceive and live life. As much as you want to return to a time when your pet was alive and well, accepting this change can help in finding new meaning and purpose. This lights a path to brighter days ahead, even in the darkest moments of loss.

The ever-present but ever-changing nature of grief

Grief is a complex and enduring emotion that cannot be neatly confined within a specific timeframe. While it may never completely fade, your life will eventually grow around it, so you’re able to carry it in a way that feels less painful.

Indeed, many people come to see grief for the love that it truly is. In this way, it becomes a companion who carries precious memories rather than something to ignore or run from.

While it’s important that you don’t put pressure on yourself to have grief “done and dusted” by a specific deadline, do keep the signs of incomplete grief in mind as time goes on. Seeking support and employing coping strategies are integral steps in healing and finding a new sense of normalcy.

In the end, grief may be an eternal companion, but it can also be a reminder of the love we once shared. It’s a testament to the deep connections we form in our lives and the enduring impact those connections have on our hearts and souls.

As always, please know that you are not alone.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support

If you’ve recently lost a pet or are facing an imminent loss, you probably recognise that grief can be all-consuming and isolating in its nature. In many ways, this is because we all experience and express grief differently, which can make it hard to connect with people who are outside of that experience.

Pet loss is often described as a disenfranchised grief because our wider society doesn’t always recognise its impact. There may be people in your circle who have never shared their lives with an animal companion or who have but didn’t have the same connection, and therefore struggle to understand how much you have lost. 

Other people may not know what to say.

Indeed, the latter is common. People often find grief uncomfortable and confronting. It’s a reminder that life ends. You might find that your friends don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say or because they don’t want to say the wrong thing. Or you might find that, when people try to comfort you, it doesn’t offer comfort at all.

This can all add to the sense of being isolated and unseen in your grief.

This blog, however, seeks to recognise that having the support of your friends and family is incredibly important when you’re grieving. It will help you to feel loved, accepted, and grounded at a time when you may feel anything but these things.

So, today, we want to explore ways that you can encourage your friends and family to support you at this difficult time.

Understanding grief

As much as we wish there was a secret formula to understanding and curing grief, the reality is that it is unique to everyone and that it isn’t an ailment to cure. 

Your feelings about the loss of your animal companion will depend on many things, from the relationship you shared to your routines, stage of life, past experiences, personal circumstances, and so much more.

Grief can cause a vast array of emotions – often several emotions at the same time! – including sadness, anger, depression, guilt, anxiety and even relief. What you feel can change from one minute to the next. You may feel distracted, exhausted, physically depleted, tearful, numb – there’s often no way to predict what will come next.

No one else can know your grief, but they can create a space for it.

Why friends and family sometimes struggle to support us

In the face of the uncertain and unique nature of grief, people often find it challenging to know how to provide effective support. 

As we’ve mentioned above, sometimes it’s as simple as being frightened of saying the wrong thing. 

Other times, there’s a lack of understanding about the grieving process. People who haven’t experienced a bereavement before often imagine that grief looks like tears and obvious sadness and may not recognise other emotions as grief. 

The mistaken idea that there are fixed stages of grief means that people in your circle may expect you to move through your emotions in a pre-determined order and then find it jarring when you don’t. This can feed into the idea that you’re someone doing grief in a ‘wrong’ way (which you aren’t!).

People can also feel very uncomfortable around grief. Your loss might remind your friends and family that they will lose their own animal friends one day too. Death is also a stark reminder that life is short, and this can be a frightening prospect. 

Communicating your needs

At this time, we’d encourage you to use open and honest communication with your friends and loved ones. They don’t have to share or understand your loss in order to show empathy.

The important thing is to be clear about what you’re feeling or what you need in order to feel supported.

In the maelstrom of grief, it’s easy to assume that other people will instinctively know that you need support and exactly what that support looks like but often that’s not the case. Even though it’s exhausting to do so, it can be helpful to be clear and definite about what you need. 

A simple statement like, “I would really like to talk about my pet. I don’t need you to try to minimise my pain or fix things because that isn’t possible. I just need you to listen” can open the door to a heartfelt conversation.

Educating your support network

Your friends and family may find it helpful to learn a bit more about grief. You could encourage them to read some of the blogs here on The Ralph Site as they talk about the emotional and practical impact of pet loss.  

There are also many fantastic books and podcasts about grief, as well as pet loss grief.

What friends can do to help when you’re grieving

Of course, only you know what support you would find helpful. However, below we’ve listed some ways that friends and family can typically help when you’re grieving. Hopefully, these ideas might help you to start a conversation:

• Listening without judgement

This is probably the number one thing that anyone can do when supporting a bereaved person. We humans often have a desire to fix things, but grief isn’t fixable. There aren’t short cuts; it won’t magically go away. 

The kindest thing your friends and family can do is simply be with you and listen without judgement.

• Offering practical assistance

Grief is exhausting and it can be all-consuming. Practical things like eating well, exercising or managing a home can be challenging. Let your friends and family know if you need someone to step in and cook a meal or help you in some other practical way.

People will often say, “Let me know if I can help with anything” but most of us never follow up on this kind of offer because it’s too vague. Equally, people may not step in to help if they don’t understand what help is needed. It can be really useful to say to your friends, “I need X, Y or Z”.

• Being present and available

It can be hard to ask the people around you to be present and available because, of course, everyone has commitments, and you may be worried about being seen as a burden. 

There’s no denying that grief can make a relationship feel off-balance. You may feel like you’re constantly off-loading on your friends or that they’re getting bored or frustrated with you. Do let your loved ones know that their support is appreciated and that you value them showing up and being available at this time.

Coping with insensitive remarks

Despite their best intentions, people may sometimes say hurtful things.

When a pet dies, it’s sadly very common for people to say things like, “When are you going to get a new one?”, “At least it was just a cat/dog/guinea pig, etc.”, “At least it wasn’t a human” or even, “Are you still upset?”

The fact that so many people use the word “it” to talk about a sentient being unfortunately speaks volumes about the fact that people see pets as possessions or commodities that can be easily replaced.

Thankfully, your animal friend has given you the lived experience to have a more empathetic perspective.

And hopefully, this perspective can help you to forgive unintentional mistakes. It’s very unlikely that your friends and family mean to say something hurtful. They’re probably just trying to provide a fix because they don’t know how else to make things better.

Seeking professional help

If your friends and family aren’t able to offer the support you need to come to terms with your loss, you may find bereavement counselling helpful, especially talking to an experienced pet bereavement counsellor.

In the UK, the Blue Cross has a dedicated pet bereavement support service. If you’re outside of the UK, a Google search should help you to find support more locally.

We created the private Ralph Site Pet Loss Support Group on Facebook to give you a safe space to talk to other bereaved pet carers. The people in this group understand how distressing pet loss can be. 

If you are struggling to find support from your friends and family, then we urge you to reach out. You will find other bereavement resources on The Ralph Site.

Conclusion

According to the American Psychological Association and other experts, people are better able to come to terms with a bereavement if they have a good social support network. 

It can be a steep learning curve for everyone. You’re trying to learn how to exist in this new place of loss, while your friends and family are learning how to support you. Patience is needed as everyone is learning to navigate this challenging journey together, whatever their role in your life.

If you’re struggling to tell your loved ones how pet loss grief is affecting you, please do direct them to this website or our public Facebook page so that they can learn more about how life-changing pet loss can be for bereaved pet carers.

If you’ve found ways to connect with your social circle during a time of grief or you’ve supported a friend after a bereavement and have tips to share, we’d love you to leave a comment.

As always, please know that you are not alone.

Shailen and The Ralph Site team
The Ralph Site, non-profit pet loss support